


Therapy with the Undead

by DeamonQueen



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Friendship, SpikegetsTherapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 21:16:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 54,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6536590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeamonQueen/pseuds/DeamonQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after "Dead Things".</p><p>Dawn finds Spike right after Buffy beats him up in the alley. The younger Summers woman nurses him back to health but then tells Spike that needs more help than just getting his physical injuries healed, and so she forces him to see a demon psychiatrist for his problems.</p><p>Read and find out how Dr. Miranda Grey helps our favorite vampire deal with his countless issues, and how her help can also help Spike get through to the Love of His Unlife, and possibly get the girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1st Session

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
>  
> 
> A story that I have been dying to write ever since I saw it as a Challenge. It peaked my interest and summoned my inner psychologist. This is something I will be doing alongside my other fic, "Tales of the Unknown Champions" so hopefully I can give it weekly updates. Anyway, hope you guys will enjoy it.
> 
>  
> 
> And before I forget. Special thanks to my Beta djellibabe for helping me with this. She was so kind and offered assistance to a new writer like me...

**(O.O)**

**Dr. Grey**

 

Client no. 2091

Name: _William James Pratt aka William the Bloody or Spike_

Species: _Undead_

Class: _Vampire_

 

\--

 

Session 1

Time: 11:47 pm

Duration: 2 hours and 30minutes.

Remaining time left: 1 hour and 22minutes.

 

\--

 

Tonight's the first out of 12 sessions that I will be having with my newest client, William, or as he preferred to be called, Spike, and it seems he was running a bit late. Though I wouldn't put it past him if he were to miss this session of ours. He was after all among the creatures that I would least expect to come to my facility and seek my kind of help. I had already been surprised when he came accompanied by a human girl and signed up for an appointment in the first place. But for him to actually show up is just not something I would expect from a vampire, especially one with a reputation such as his.

 

 

For those who do not know what my clinic is for, I shall try to enlighten you to pass the time as I wait for Spike's arrival. You see, my clinic is very special and deals with patients with supernatural, paranormal and mystical origins. I deal with a variety of patients from faes, to ex-gods and demigods, to demons and to a limited variety of human warlocks and witches. I have helped fix the emotional and spiritual problems of these creatures all with the help of my Doctorate Degree in Psychology and a mini crash course in Theology. You might find it strange that I am doing this in the first place and believe me you are not alone. Most of my family and friends do not understand why I do this, but that is because they do not see the beauty and wonder of what I am doing for these unique and misunderstood individuals. They cannot understand why a garden Dwarf would feel a deep seated hatred towards flowers, or why a destructive Fryarl demon would be seen crying for breaking her tea cup. They do not see the point in learning the ways or the behaviours of these particular creatures nor care in the first place about them, and that is their problem and also what differs me from them. Because unlike the others, I truly and genuinely do care for these creatures. I care for the reason for each tear, each tantrum and each destruction that these beings do or cause and I wish to help them find that reason and help them live with it or at least get through it.

 

 

This is my calling and I am happy with it. For why wouldn't I be? Each sessions with my patients I get to learn something new about them and their species every time I help them learn something new about themselves. It is a joint experience, and one that never ceases to amaze me. I have been through a variety of patients: the dwarf and the Fryarl demon are just among the few of them.

 

 

I've done a lot of good for these entities or beings. I have assisted in healing a traumatized but very powerful warlock, and have conversed with creatures that could only be seen in books and fairy tales and was able to help them solve their problems. I also have been able to calm the most destructive of demons and allowed them see a better kind of lifestyle for themselves. Overall, I have helped a lot of creatures and I continue to help more. I do not turn away anyone that needs my help, nor do I abandon them should their problems exceed far more than what I have ever encountered. I try to help in the best way I can, with everything I can give. Perhaps that is why I am well known and well liked, because I actually care about them, and that is more than I can say for the families of these beings that I offer my aid to. However, do not begin to think that no one despises me for what I do. In fact, over the years since I started this job, I have accumulated quite a number of haters. Families, friends and even creatures of the same race of the beings that I help have all had their turn at ways of showing how they dislike what I do for my patients. They've tried to have me killed numerous times, some were even almost successful. But a little danger in my life never stopped me from doing my job, in fact it only seems to motivate me more, because if I am being threatened then that means I am a threat to them in the first place. It means I am changing something that they do not want changed, and I like to think of that as a good thing.

 

 

_Oh, it seems I have gotten too caught up in my tale, that I have failed to notice how much time had already passed._

 

 

12:00 am.

 

 

Alright, my vampire patient is now officially an hour and thirty minutes late, and I have given up all hope of him turning up for our session. Of course, it wasn't like I was expecting him to come in the first place, because as I said earlier, a creature such as a vampire is the last kind of creature that would ever need my assistance. I am not saying that they have no problems that would need my help, but what I am saying is that they just don't want my help to begin with.

 

 

Now, if you are surprised by that, don't be. Vampires are a pretty generic type of demon. They want, they take, they have. They are motivated by their previous human desires with the added desires of the demon. Most of the time all they ever think about is blood, sex and destruction, and very little of anything else. But when they do think about something other than those things, it's twisted in this dark sort of way that is horrible for everyone else around them. They are also selfish creatures. They think only for themselves and wouldn't give a single thought towards others or even care what those others think about them.

 

 

And that's is why I had said that vampires wouldn't want my help, because why would they? They don't care about what people think of them and if they do, because of some remaining desire from their past human selves, then they would seek to kill or destroy that person or persons that had allowed them to care in the first place. In other words they simply solve their own problems in their own wicked and twisted way. What use would I be to them then?

 

 

So knowing all this puts to question the reasoning of my current absentee client on why he would actually seek my help. Truth be told, I had thought that this particular vampire had ulterior motives for coming to my clinic. I had thought he was there to kill me when I first saw him and signed the appointment form. But then I saw the young girl with him and heard how adamant she was to get the reluctant vampire to actually come to my sessions, it was then that my curiosity was peaked.

 

 

I then became excited for our upcoming session, and had immediately scheduled him on my Friday's last appointment. Of course, after I did my research on this particular vampire, I began to lose all excitement in our upcoming meeting. I had seen nothing special about him in the history books. I mean, sure he killed two Slayers and had been extremely loyal to his Sire, but aside from those two things nothing about him stood out. He was just your regular vampire with a big reputation.

 

 

Yet I can't seem to help but remember how he interacted with the girl that night he set his appointment. He teased her and insulted her, ranted about how he would kill her for getting him to come, yet his tone as he said all this was light and sometimes forced. It was obvious that he didn't mean a single word he said to her. He'd looked annoyed at the girl, yet at the same time he was protective of her, which was seen by how he would glare at my other clients if they so much as looked at his companion. It was a curious thing to see a vampire, with a reputation such as his, protecting a human child and allowing himself to be hauled by the said human to see a psychiatrist. What was even more mind blowing  about the entire encounter was that the girl seemed to genuinely care about the vampire too. Sure, she bossed him around and insulted him just as much as he insulted her, yet she was gentle with him, even hovered over him as he limped from one counter to the next, mindful not to touch the his injuries, that were very well concealed underneath his coat. She was careful not to hurt him any further or have anything hurt him.

 

 

The scene was just so new to me that it particularly caught my interest, and made me want to find out more about the vampire.

 

 

And that is why I had convinced myself tonight to stay in my office until the hours for the session is over because, despite a small chance that he might still show up, some deeper part of me believes that this vampire was definitely different from the others and I really wanted to know about that difference.

 

 

A sudden knock on my door brought me out of my musing.

 

 

"Come in," I told whoever was behind it.

 

 

The then door opened and a dark leather clad vampire with bleached platinum blond hair entered my office. He stopped by the door's entrance and openly stared at me. It should've made me uncomfortable but I wasn't because I knew that he was just assessing me. Though whether it was to check if I looked delectable enough for him to eat or just to examine the kind of person I was, I did not know, nor did I care because I was used to being stared at in that kind of way by some of my previous clients. So what really matters to me at that moment was that Spike has finally arrived and we can at last start our session.

 

 

"Good morning, Mr. Spike. You're a bit late but I guess it can't be helped. I'm sure you have a very good excuse for that. But for now, how about you take a seat so that we can start."

 

 

**(O.O)**

**Spike**

 

 

I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. Hell, I don't even remember why I agreed to come here in the first place. But what I do know is that if I didn't come tonight the Bit would nag my arse off tomorrow and drag me back here by the hair as soon as the sun goes down. The bossy bint's even worse than her si--No, not gonna think about her. Not gonna try to think about how much I miss her coming to my crypt for our nightly trysts. Not even gonna think about how I've already forgiven her for nearly dusting me a few night ago 'cause I was trying to stop her from ruining her life because of something we now know she had nothing to do with. Not even gonna-- Dammit! Now I'm thinking about her. Oh, Buffy, my goddess, my Light, my Slayer. Oh, how I miss--Fuck! I am a right ponce. A bloody pansy.

 

 

 _The Bit's right, I really do need therapy._ It's why she dragged me here a couple of nights ago for an appointment, after she hauled my injured arse back to my crypt and nursed yours truly back to health. She stayed with me that day, despite how I told her that her big sis wouldn't like it. She had only replied to me in that haughty tone of hers.

 

 

"She did this to you, so I'm obligated to help you. Besides she wouldn't even notice that I'm not there." I tried to tell her that her sister cared about her and such shit, but then she added, "Also, you're my friend, Spike, and I'd care if anything happened to you."

 

 

She spoke with such sincerity and love that I hadn't strength to protest anymore. I was rarely on the receiving end of such gentleness that my entire body just shut itself up and allowed the girl to stay and let her try to fix me up.

 

 

We spent the entire day together, with her cleaning my wounds and dressing them too. The Bit has gotten awfully good at that stuff, probably learned aboug it from Joyce or read about such like in her books. Girl likes to read, she does, and then we talked. Talked about a lot of things: mostly about her school, her bad taste in music and all other things in her life that we used to talk about but stopped once Buffy came back. I know I hurt the girl for staying away, but her big sis didn't want what we had to be anywhere near her sister. And after that night in the alley, I finally believed her reasons.

 

 

Dawn shouldn't be anywhere near the kind of violent relationship her sister and I shared. She may have already seen a lot of bad things in her life because her sister's the Slayer but she doesn't deserve to witness the kind of bad her sister and bestfriend have together. It would cause emotional scars that even I know would be hard to fix.

 

 

Speaking of fixing stuff, the reason the Bit took me here was because after our talk she started telling me that I had co-dependency issues, and it's why I let her sister and everyone of the Scoobies walk all over me because I had wanted to belong in their group and didn't care what kind of hurt I had to go through as long as I was with them.

 

 

_A load of bull that was! I don't have co-dependency issues. And I certainly do not want to belong to a bunch of self-righteous, ungrateful, do-gooding white hats!_

 

 

But then she started listing the behavioural traits of a person with co-dependency issues from her book, which she had hidden inside her backpack, and apparently I checked out with each and every one of them!

 

 

 _Bloody hell, where did she get the damn book in the first place. Those kinds of shit shouldn't be seen or read by a fifteen year old. Maybe it had belonged to her big sis or the witches from college or something._ I noted in my head to tell Buffy about it once I saw the bitch again.

 

 

Anyway, going back, Dawn listed the traits and me having each and every one of them was the reason she argued that I needed to see some therapist about it. She said that if I didn't then I'd continue living by how other people want me to live, not how I wanted to. She also said that I'd never be able to be my own man if I continue to live the way I did.

 

 

Another load of bull. I had argued back and told her that I lived my life the way I wanted and not in the way her sister and her friends want me to.

 

 

"Nuh-uh, you're so totally living how other people believe you should. Sure, you still do stuff you want but there a lot of other stuff that you stopped doing because it doesn't fit in with what we, the _white hats_ , are suppose to do," she had said acting all knowing and annoying.

 

 

Like what?! I had stupidly asked. Of which earned me another list of things that I either started or stopped doing ever since I had begun hanging out with Buffy and her lot.

 

 

"Well, first there's helping Buffy and the Scoobies out without asking for payment, then there's the part where you stopped stealing from humans most especially from Anya at the Magic Shop. You now pay for the stuff you use, Spike. And don't deny it, I saw you buying some stuff from the department store, stuff I know you used to just _knick_ without asking. Then there's patrolling on your own, I know you're looking for a spot of violence before bed but you can get that violence at demon bars by starting bar fights. So you're deliberately patrolling Sunnydale for the sake of protecting its people. You're being kind to Willow, Tara and Anya and no longer snarking or insulting them. You listen to Giles' orders and even let Xander bully you and sometimes let him win on those rare times he allows you to play pool with him. Face it Spike, you've been acting differently from how you used to act, and don't start blaming the chip for it either. The chip may have got you on this path but it wasn't what dictated you to do all those things. You've been changing and that's a good thing but some of the things you started doing are not of the good for you and your self-esteem."

 

 

Although most of what she said had some truth in it, I still had thought that what she had been saying was nothing but bull. But I didn't voice that out, because I was growing tired of arguing with the Bit in her Psychiatrist phase. So I simply asked her what she had wanted me to do about it.

 

 

Of course, it was a stupid thing to say to the girl because she seemed to think that I needed the help of an actual psychiatrist. I tried to argue but she cut me off and instead dragged my arse to this place, which she had heard from Clem was a place where a good shrink was found. She had booked me 12 appointments with some doc by the name of Dr. Miranda Grey. 

 

 

And so here I am, in front of the office of the so called Demon Psychiatrist, for my first appointment.

 

 

Truth was, I had no plan of coming tonight. In fact I was more than an hour and a half late for our session and I did that on purpose because like I said I didn't want to go. But here I am anyway, which puts me back to the question: "What the hell was I doing here?"

 

 

I know that it was useless to come here because one, I still don't see a problem of how I was currently living my unlife, no matter how miserable I seem to be sometimes, and two, because even if there was a problem with it I see no way it could be solved by talking to some doctor who fancies herself a demonic psychology expert.

 

 

I turned back again to exit the building but as I neared the door, I hesitated. I remembered the things the Bit said and took time to really consider her words. I can't say for certain that I don't have issues, because bloody hell everyone has them. But I do know that lately my life hasn't really been all that great. The chip aside, I did notice that most of what I do no longer resembled the Master Vampire I once was, and most of those things I did were done out of my own volition. From helping the bloody Scoobies, to taking care of the Bit, to falling in love with the Slayer, I did each and everyone of those things with little complaint and even without anything in return. I don't know if it was indeed because of the so called "Co-dependency Issues" that the Bit said I had or if I simply became a bloody ponce after I got the chip. But what I do know is that really do need help. Whether it was to identify what was wrong with me or actually cure what I already know was wrong with me, I don't know, but the gist of it is that I need help.

 

 

So I turned back towards the doc's office, raised my hand and attempted to knock, but again I hesitated.

 

 

 _Bloody hell, I'm not really doing this, am I?_ One part of my head asked me. I shook off that thought immediately.

 

 

"Man up already, you wanker! We both know we need the help and we've already made the decision to do this since we're already here. No sense in acting like a coward and backing out now!" I verbally scolded myself, before knocking at the door and waited for someone to answer.

 

 

"Come in," was the muffled reply on the other side.

 

 

I took a deep and unnecessary breath. Well it's now it never, worst comes to worse, I'll just walk out on this bint and never come here ever again. I opened the door and surrendered myself to possibly an hour of torture via talking.

 

 

**(O.O)**

**Dr. Grey**

 

My client simply stared at me upon my greeting before he shrugged and closed the door, then he approached one of the leather couches and sat on it, he lifted his feet on the coffee table, and leaned back on his chair.

 

 

"So, doc, how do we start this thing?" he asked in a nonchalant tone.

 

 

I simply smiled at his attempt to fool me. He may look like he was bored and unaffected with the situation, but I knew better, that it was all an act. His posture may looked relaxed but some parts of his body were twitching, which signifies that he was forcing himself into that position. Aside from that, his fingers were fidgety, and played with the armrest of his chair, and he was avoiding making eye contact with me. All of these were telltale signs that he was nervous.

 

 

 _Of course, I wouldn't want that. Nervousness does not make up for a very cooperative client._ So I started by building up a rapport.

 

 

"How about we start by trying to get to know each other," I said as I collected my pen and notepad, stood up from my desk and transferred to the vacant seat in front of him. I felt his eyes on me as I did this but I ignored it.

 

 

"Thought we're gonna talk about how I can get over my problems. So what's the point in trying to get to know each other? It's not like we're gonna go on a date or something," he said, averting his eyes away from me again was I settled in my seat, while his hand continued to play with the chair's loose fibers.

 

 

"You're right, we're not on a date nor do I think we will be in the near future because it is highly unethical to do so. However, I do not think you would be comfortable with telling your deepest darkest secrets to a complete stranger now, would you?" I told him with challenging tone, that seemed to get him to finally look at me.

 

 

"You're right. I'm not comfortable with it," he agreed, dropping his feet off the table and sitting straighter. He was now looking directly at me again, but this time he wasn't being analytic or apathetic. This time he looked angry, and it took everything within my power not to cower from his gaze. I had to remind myself that the wards in this place were still set and that he couldn't hurt me even if he wanted to. "In fact, I'm not comfortable with any of this in the first place!" he said standing up and towering over my seated form.

 

 

His glare intensified but I simply swallowed my fear and answered him with complete calm and focus. "I know. No one is comfortable with all of this the first time. But remember, you came to me for a reason. You came because you needed help, and that's something that I am sure took a lot of courage just to admit." I told him with a smile. "You're here now, Spike, and I am here too. 'Here to give you all the help you need. You just need to trust me first."

 

 

I paused to look up at his reaction, and saw that he was deeply contemplating what to do next. I can understand what he is going through, he needs help, wants it even, but he's just not used to asking for it. It probably takes short of dying before he actually decides to ask help from others. He was not that at the moment so he was being indecisive. I am glad that he is taking his time to make the decision though. Usually his kind would have done something violent to me already just for making them feel this way, but since he hasn't done that then that means he's serious about all this and also proves that he isn't like the other vampires I've met. He's planning on talking things through with his mouth rather than with his fist and fangs like most of his kind do.

 

 

And it's quite a remarkable development for a vampire, if you ask me. This vampire was really starting to intrigue me, and my opinion of him increased more than a little.

 

 

He suddenly turns his head away from me and looks at the door and I immediately guessed what he was thinking.

 

 

"If you want to leave, then you are free to leave, Spike. I am not going to force you to stay here." I told him. But when he started moving towards the door, I hurriedly say, "But if you do, then you will never be able to solve whatever it is that's bothering you. You will spend the rest of your unlife living the same way you always do with the weight of this problem on your shoulders. If you are truly satisfied with that life Spike then you can leave... If not, then there is no harm in staying and finding out if whether or not I can help you lift that burden."

 

 

I waited patiently for his answer, knowing quite fully that should he choose the first one there is nothing I can do to change his mind. He paused by the door, his hand on the knob, making me think that he was really going to leave. But then he turned around and went back to sit on the couch he previously occupied.

 

 

"Alright. I'll give this a shot," he said then took a deep breath before he released it and continued, "So how are we gonna do this 'getting to know each other' part? Do we start talking about our likes and dislikes, hobbies and what not?"

 

 

I let out a small giggle at his callous way of describing what I do, before answering him. "Well, how about we start with introducing ourselves."

 

 

"The hell for? You already know my name, used it four times already and I sure as hell know yours because of the damn plate on your office door. What's the point for introductions?"

 

 

_Rude but straightforward. Oooh, I am really liking this vampire._

 

"Well, it's common courtesy to introduce ones self upon meeting someone, never mind if that that particular someone already knows their name.  Here, let me start. Hi, I am Dr. Miranda Grey, but you can call me Mira or Dr. Grey. It's very nice to meet you!" I said enthusiastically offering my right hand for a handshake.

 

 

He stared at my offered hand before he took it into his and gave it a light shake.

 

 

"Name's Spike, 'tis a pleasure to make your acquaintance." He let go immediately after saying this.

 

 

"See? That wasn't so bad. Now, how about we each tell something about ourselves. I'll start again. I'm a single thirty five year old woman who graduated at Princeton University. I took my doctorates at UCLA, and then transferred here to Sunnydale, where the Hellmouth is located, to practice my profession." I saw his eyes widened as I said this.

 

 

"Wait back up. So you're trying to tell me that you went to get all that special education just so you can be a shrink for demons?" he asked.

 

 

"Well, not just for demons but for any entity, being or creature that belongs in the supernatural and paranormal realm. I became a 'psychiatrist' so I can help them."

 

 

"Lady, you're barmier than I ever pegged you to be. Why would you want to be a shrink for those type of folks?"

 

 

I couldn't but laugh at his incredulous look.

 

 

"I know it may sound crazy but it happens to be quite a sensible and profitable occupation. If you think about it, there are far more supernatural beings with psychological problems than there are with humans, and there aren't many doctors who would willingly help them," I answered.

 

 

"So, that it? You're doing this for profit?" He questioned with a knowing grin.

 

 

"Well, not really. I do this because I love it. Getting a lot of money for it is just a consolation prize," I replied with a shrug.

 

 

"So you genuinely want to help demons?" He asked.

 

 

"If they want my help, then yes, I do," I said with conviction.

 

 

"Huh," came his only reply. We sat in silence for a couple of minutes before he opened his mouth to talk again.

 

 

"Well, guess it's my turn to say something about myself." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I was turned around 1880, by my Sire Drusilla, we lived with her family for a couple of decades before the two of us went solo after her Sire got all soulled up and left. I dedicated my entire existence to her for nearly a century before she dumped me for some Chaos demon all because she thought I had betrayed her by helping the Slayer stop the world from ending with her in it."

 

 

My eyes widened when I heard this. I had no idea that had happened because it wasn't in the books about this vampire. But he continued with his story and didn't seem to notice my surprised expression.

 

 

"I am a Master Vampire, who has killed two Slayers. I had came here to Sunnyhell to get my third and to heal my Sire. I completed the latter of the two but I failed the first one. After my breakup with Dru, I came back here again to finish the job of killing the Slayer, but instead I got captured by some secret government group called the Initiative and they experimented on me and put some microchip in my head that prevents me from harming humans. I ended up asking for help from the Slayer and her friends for protection and when I found out I could hunt and kill demons, it wasn't long until I started helping the Slayer and her lot. First in exchange for payment and then because I suddenly found myself in love with the Slayer, which did me no good seeing as she only views me as her mortal enemy and doesn't see me as anything but a _thing_."

 

 

I couldn't help but noticed his visible resentment and obvious contempt as he said that word, and I noted that in my pad.

 

 

"Then I became friends with her sister and her late mother after being frequently assigned to protect them from a hellgod who was our current enemy at the time. Anyway, I fought alongside them again to stop the said hellbitch from ending the world and ended up being the unofficial babysitter and protector of Dawn after the Slayer died in that battle. I fought alongside her friends all summer and protected the Hellmouth with them until the time when they resurrected the Slayer, without telling me despite the many times I had saved their worthless arses from getting killed over that summer. Then they just cast me out like trash and made it seem like what we shared that summer was nothing noteworthy for them upon Buffy's return from, get this, Heaven!"

 

 

More resentment and a slight disappointment and hurt can all be heard in his voice this time. But the vampire continued, not noticing how I was scribbling everything he was saying.

 

 

"But luckily for me the Slayer seemed to trust me with her secret upon her return. She confided in me of her pain, hardship, and unhappiness of her being here. We had formed a short tentative friendship at the time, until it was ruined by some freak accident involving a demon who made everyone sing their innermost secrets."

 

 

_Oooh, I remember that incident. Frankly, I doubt I'd forget it because seeing a two hundred ton On'shnk demon sing and dance during our session is not something anyone would forget._

 

 

"The demon got her to tell her friends where she had been. After that I had thought that our friendship would end there because of that big reveal, but instead it evolved. You see at the end of that freaky night she had kissed me, and not in those stupid friendship kisses on the cheeks, it was a real, mind blowing, passionate kiss that got me so bloody hard I had to wank and come three bloody times that night."

 

 

I blushed at his vulgarity.

 

 

"It was that kiss that made me believe that she had wanted to start something with me, something wonderful and amazing and--" He stopped himself and sighed, before finishing, "Anyway, it wasn't long until we started having the most amazing, passionate, mind blowing sex. It happened every night when we were together and in every way we could possibly think of. And I got to tell you that woman's an animal in bed, insatiable that's what she is. Fuck! We once lasted five hours straight! Bloody hell, should've seen us _literally_ bring down an entire building!" He looked proud and I can say that even I was a bit amazed at that feat.

 

 

_A building huh?_

 

"The only downside of our relationship was that she wouldn't admit it was a relationship," he said sullenly, quite a contradiction to his earlier behavior while he was bragging of their sexual endeavors. "In fact she had been so adamant to keep our relationship or whatever we had a secret from her friends that she threatened to bloody stake me if I told anyone!" He raised his voice at the last part which made me jump in my seat in surprise at the sudden change of his mood.

 

 

_Quite a roller coaster this one is._

He looked angry as if he was remembering something that seemed to pissed him off. Whatever he had been remembering it was clearly upsetting him because he was just glaring at the table in front of him and was completely lost in his own thoughts. Then as fast as his outburst came, he took a deep breath again and calmed down, before he said the next words, devoid of any emotion. "Then there was the incident in the alley and the Slayer nearly beat the life out of me when all I did was try to save her. She left me there to die and I knew I would've had Dawn not come and found me that night. The Bit nursed me back to health, and even apologized for what her sister did to me. I told her that it wasn't her fault and that her sister wasn't at fault either because she was just in a bad place. But the girl would have none of it, and then she started talking. about some rubbish about my co-dependency sickness or some shit like that and forced me to see a psychiatrist. And so here I am. Ready to be psychoanalyzed and get the solution to my problems." He looked up again at me with such an expectant and sad look that broke my heart.

 

 

_Such an expressive creature._

He immediately turned away from me and focused his attention on the wall of my office.

 

 

I took a few seconds to sort out my thoughts and all the information I had suddenly received from my patient. It was a lot more than I expected to get out of him tonight and a lot more complex than I had expected from a vampire of his reputation. It wasn't hard to guess that he had live a very awful and miserable existence, surrounded with heartaches and disappointments. Fate had obviously been against this vampire of late and the humans that he surrounds himself with didn't seem to help ease these negative feelings, if not they seemed to have worsened them. And on the top of it all his problems were his feeling of love for the Slayer. Usually love's not a bad thing but for this vampire it was, especially when it seemed that the love he has wasn't reciprocated or acknowledged by anyone other than himself. But it was hardly surprising, from what I deduced he had tried to kill the girl once upon a time ago.

 

 

Then I sat back and considered the idea further.

 

 

A Vampire in love with a Slayer... The idea itself was absurd, but at the same time it sounded so amazing and tragically romantic. It was totally better than Shakespeare or any television soap opera can come up with. But that's just in my opinion, for in reality it is obviously something that could destroy the said vampire should he continue with pursuing his feelings, which for me should be enough to tell him to abandon all his feelings for the woman.

 

 

Although it was still too early to assume that his love was what was making him miserable, even though I bet that it held a lot responsibility for it too, but I knew that there were still a lot of things that he hadn't yet told me about himself, so I couldn't jump to the conclusion that turning his back on love was the solution to his problems.

 

 

Then I realized another thing.

 

 

Co-dependency..

 

 

That was what his young friend said he had and was the reason she wanted him to seek my help in the first place. And I believe that the young girl wasn't that far off. I had indeed noticed how he seemed to be hung up on the feelings of belonging to this particular group of humans and saw his disappointment and pain as he relayed each moment when they would cast him aside or under-appreciate his efforts to help them. He seemed obviously affected by these humans' views of him and has been constantly trying to change those views, whether it was conscious or not. And so once again I noted that co-dependency is among the issues we would be addressing in our future sessions.

 

 

"That was a very informative," I told him earning back his attention. "And a lot more than I expected to get from you tonight. But I am guessing you must have wanted to get all that out for quite sometime now, haven't you, Spike?" He looked at me with a surprised expression that told me that I was right. "It's alright. The entire reason you are here is to help you get all that burden you've been carrying off your chest. And you have successfully done that tonight in one session. Tell me, how do you feel at the moment?"

 

 

"Confused, but only because I really did tell you all that stuff about myself and my current life."

 

 

I smiled. "That's understandable. What else do you feel?"

 

 

"I feel lighter, like some weight was lifted from my undead heart," he told me with a small smile.

 

 

_Aww, he looks even more handsome when he smiles. Gotta remember to get him to smile more often in our sessions in the future._

 

"That's good, and hopefully it will be what you will always feel after the end of each of our sessions," I said as I stood up and and gathered my things. He looks up at me with a surprised expression, then turns to look at the clock on the corner and read it.

 

 

1:00 a.m.

 

"It's that time already?" he stated in astonishment, "I didn't even noticed I'd been here that long."

 

 

"Not many do, especially when we get caught up talking," I told him as I moved back to my desk and arranged the stacks of files on top of my table. "Although, we would have had more time had you come at the designated time, Spike." I gave him a reprimanding glare.

 

 

To his credit, the vampire looked sheepish as he stood up. "Yeah, 'bout that.. Sorry. I really had second thoughts earlier about coming here."

 

 

"Think nothing of it, I'm just glad that you decided to come. Although I just wish that next time, you will try coming on time, that way we can have more time to talk to each other."

 

 

"Yeah, me too, I am glad I came. But as for the part about being on time, all I can say is that I'll try to do it the next session, but no promises on that," he stated as he approached me at my desk and reached out a hand to me. "Anyway, thanks for listening, doc. It really helped."

 

 

I smiled at him again, and took the offered hand into my own. "You're welcome and it was an honor, Spike." I let go of his hand and waited for him to turn around and exit the room.

 

 

When he was almost out of the door he stopped. "Good night to you, doctor, see ya at the next session and again thanks for the help," he said giving me a side glance and a half wave of his hand before he shut the door to my office.

 

 

I didn't say anything else, and simply smiled again and continued packing my belongings intomy bag.  In my mind I was dancing for joy at the prospect of seeing the unique vampire again and having another chance to deal with his very interesting case.

 

 

_An interesting case, indeed._

**TBC**

**(O.O)**

 

 

 


	2. 2nd Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after "Dead Things".
> 
> Dawn finds Spike right after Buffy beats him up in the alley. The younger Summers woman nurses him back to health but then tells Spike that needs more help than just getting his physical injuries healed, and so she forces him to see a demon psychiatrist for his problems.
> 
> Read and find out how Dr. Miranda Grey helps our favorite vampire deal with his countless issues, and how her help can also help Spike get through to the Love of His Unlife, and possibly get the girl.

**(O.O)**

**Dr. Grey**

 

Client no. 2091

Name: _William James Pratt aka William the Bloody or Spike_

Species: _Undead_

Class: _Vampire_

 

\--

 

Session 2

Time: 10:29 pm

Duration: 2 hours and 30minutes.

\--

 

 

It's Monday, and it's the day of my second session with my newest favorite client, Spike. I was reading his file, the one I was able to obtain from my other demon friends and contacts, when the knock on the door was heard.

 

 

"Come in!" I called out.

 

 

The door opened and revealed to me the demon that I had just been thinking about.

 

 

"I'm not late, am I?" he said with a smug grin that indicated that he actually knew the answer to his question.

 

 

"Spike! It is very good to see you tonight and no, you are not late. In fact, you are just in time. Now come inside and have a seat," I told him as I stood up and went to the seat I had occupied in our previous session and at the same time I glanced at the clock.

 

 

10:30 pm

 

 

Once the two of us were settled in our respective chairs, I asked, "So how was you're weekend?"

 

 

"Good," he answered with a shrug, "I saw Buffy again. Well, actually I went to see Buffy. It was her birthday and such and I kinda invited myself in it. Brought a friend with me though, so the crazy bint wouldn't kick me out just because she felt like it."

 

 

"That's good to hear."

 

 

 _It wasn't really, because someone in you're position shouldn't really have to find ways to get themselves invited or allowed to stay at their girlfriend's birthday party._ But I didn't voice that thought out loud, and instead asked him to elaborate what happened at the party.

 

 

"Well, it was kinda funny because--" I smiled as I listened to his tale as he regaled the happenings of the party and observed his expressions.

 

 

He was smiling and was really happy as he told me the kinds of things they did at the party. It had been good to hear that the vampire wasn't always treated as an outsider all the time, as I had thought, and that there were rare occasions when he was viewed as a friend by these so called Scoobies. But what I didn't like about his story was his obvious attempts in regaining the Slayer's attention the entire time he was there. He really shouldn't be the one to try to make up with her since she was the one who beat him up a few days back. But again, I didn't voice that thought, because he was not ready to hear his flaws on how he's handling their relationship, nor do I think he was ready to hear her flaws either.

 

 

"--Cornered the girl, I did, and asked her if she wanted to give her friends the slip--" He continued with his tale and raised his eyebrows at me suggestively. "--went all stuttering, hot and bothered, she did. Then the silly bint thought she could make me jealous by saying how sweet, that Rico bloke, or was it Richard?" He shook his head. "Anyway, she told me how sweet he was. Hah! As if I'd be jealous of a wanker with floppy hair!"

 

 

 _But you sound jealous to me._ I added mentally with a smile.

 

 

I continued to listen to his tale and again noted the important details that we could perhaps discuss later in our sessions. I also commented occasionally to clarify some of his accounts.

 

 

"Then Cecily broke the spell she did on the house, 'cause the bitch was stupid enough to get caught up in her own curse. And then we all went home and--"

 

 

"Wait, hold on. I thought her name was Halfrek. Why are you calling her Cecily?" I asked after hearing his disgust and disdain as he said the name and talked about the woman who had granted Dawn's wish.

 

 

"Oh, that's right. I didn't tell you yet about dear bitch Cecily," he said and then paused, looking as if he was considering whether to tell me about the woman or not.

 

 

When his thinking took a little too long for me, I decided to give him a slight push.

 

 

"If you don't want to tell me about her it's okay, Spike. I was just really curious about her since it sounded that you two were close friends," I said trying to sound uninterested but at the same time goading him to tell me about the woman.

 

 

"Friends?! Hah! I'd rather dust than to be called friends with that woman!" he said loudly.

 

 

I forced a surprised look on my face and suppressed the smile from appearing because of my success in getting him to talk about her.

 

 

"You're not friends? But it sounded like such. I mean, she did call you William," I pointed out while dawning a more genuine surprise expression.

 

 

"We are not friends, maybe once upon a long bloody time ago we were, but not anymore. Bloody bitch thought herself to be too important to be friends with a man that was beneath her," he stated angrily and spat the last words of his sentence. This sounded really personal to him. "Don't know how she turned into a demon or if she had always been one the entire time but she was a royal pain in the arse and a fucking man-eater. She loved being the center of everyone's attention but wouldn't think twice about breaking the heart of a young inexperienced poet who declared his love for her!"

 

 

The word poet caught my attention. "Poet?" I repeated, looking questioningly at him.

 

 

This seemed to shut him up from his ranting and looked extremely alarmed at his slip of that information.

 

 

"Uh-well, yeah. I mean, she just doesn't respect people with unique passions," he said looking embarrassed and avoiding my eyes and I swear that if he could blush this vampire would've been competing with a tomato.

 

 

Now I really have to know who she is, and the story behind them. I'm beginning to think she isn't just an ex for this vampire since she seems to be able to garner such reactions from him. But I have to really make him open up to me about her first.

 

 

"Spike, you have nothing to be afraid of," I reassured him and at the same time I tried to make him understand that it was okay to open up to me here about this sensitive topic, "Whatever history you have with this woman, whatever embarrassing truth you will reveal about her and about yourself will stay within the confines of this room. So you don't have to hide anything from me for the fear of being judged or made fun of. I won't do any of those things to you, Spike, not only because you are my client but because you are my friend." He looked surprise at that word. "Yes, you heard right. You're my friend, because even though this is only our second session and that we didn't spend that long together in our first one, we still know more about each other than other people do with their own co-workers, who they spend an entire day with and I know more about you than any of those humans you associate with. You're my friend, Spike, and I really want you to trust me."

 

 

I don't know if it was because of my speech or the sincerity of what I said but Spike's demeanor changed and he looked serious all of a sudden.

 

 

"Alright, fine. I'll tell you everything," he said as he sat up straighter and his accent suddenly changed in to an upper crust British accent and relayed to me his story as a human. "As stated in the books, I was born in the Victorian times. But unlike what most of those authors and researchers about me think, I actually grew up in a well off family." My eyes widened at this.

 

 

_Well I guess that explains the posh accent._

 

 

"Surprising, isn't it?" he stated with a smirk upon seeing the look on my face.

 

 

"A bit," I said with a sheepish smile, "But I should've known better than to judge a book by its cover, especially a book as good looking as you."

 

 

He chuckled at my harmless flirting, which made me happy because he seemed to lose the uneasiness he felt because of the topic about his past.

 

 

Shaking his head, he continued. "Anyway, I was an English gentleman in a high end society that were governed by rules of manners and etiquette. Names and status of living was the most important thing for everyone in that time, and let's just say, that besides our fortune, my family was not that outstanding, we just had nothing to show for our name." He paused and took a deep breath before continuing. "I was once a poet who spent most of his time either writing god awful poetry or taking care of his sick mother more than attending the social gatherings that were so important during those times, and because of doing all these things I wasn't at all respected by my peers, if you can call them that, and was often made fun of either because of my poems or the fact I had nothing to contribute to society. But I never cared for what people thought of me, nor did I care for the many times my works were insulted. I was a dreamer and a romantic and a classic pacifist. I preferred seeing the beauty of things and always thought that my time was better spent in creating such beauty. I was a right ponce really, a bloody pansy," he said the last part in a depreciating tone.

 

 

"I don't think you were a ponce, Spike, or a pansy. I think you were a gentle and sweet soul, and those so called high class gentlemen you were with were all rude and illiterate ruffians," I tell him with sincerity and the last part with angry conviction, earning me a boisterous laugh from the vampire.

 

 

"You're right about the illiterate part. Most of the young Lords at the time used their money to finish school. Like Lord Winsley, who graduated by buying off every professor he had. I tell you he spent more of his family's fortune trying to pass mathematics than buying himself new sets of trousers! Bloke wore the same bloody pair every bloody day!"

 

 

He was smiling again and was laughing at the memory. As I said in our last session, he's an emotional roller coaster. One minute he could be angry and depressed, the next minute he could be happy and playful. I really preferred the latter, because his smile not only made him look younger and more handsome but it was just so contagious that I couldn't help but be happy along with him.

 

 

He shared a few more scandalous stories about his peers during that time and all I can say was that Victorian gentry wasn't as sophisticated and elite as most books pegged them to be.

 

 

"--And he had the audacity to call her a harlot, when he was the one sleeping with older women of a higher stature than him!"

 

 

I laughed hard with him as he told his stories. We were having fun reminiscing and talking about the people from his past, and I really wanted to continue doing so, but these sessions weren't meant for making my clients feel temporary happiness, they were made so they can deal with all their issues and then finally feel genuine happiness and contentment with their existence.

 

I took a deep breath before finally addressing the real issue at hand.

 

"Spike," I called his attention, his smile slowing disappearing as she saw the look on my face. "As much as I love these stories, I think we should now focus on the issue at hand. So jokes aside, how about you tell me what your real relationship with this Cecily woman was."

 

 

**(O.O)**

**Spike**

 

Annoying shrink. And here I thought we were having so much fun. Why the hell would she still want to talk about Cecily? It's not like there's anything to talk about. The girl and I were ancient history. So there was no sense opening old wounds and rubbing them with salt.

 

 

 _That bloody bitch has obviously moved on. Hell, I've moved on!_ I inwardly screamed at the memory of my first love.

 

 

While I glared at the damned doctor to let her know that I wasn't happy with her sudden need to change the subject, especially when she was changing it to this topic. But it seemed my glare didn't even faze her, and instead she returned it with a challenging look.

 

 

_God damn her!_

 

 

If I wasn't already in love with Buffy, I'd really find that look of hers extremely sexy and attractive. Not that she wasn't attractive in the first place. Oh, believe me, this doctor was definitely easy on the eyes.

 

 

She had fair skin and a wonderful posture that showed she had discipline and poise, her dark and somewhat curly hair that fell a little past her shoulders cupped her face in a way that accentuated her beautiful features, her smile was radiant and infectious, and finally her brown eyes, which always showed kindness and understanding and at the same time revealed her wisdom and experience, easily made blokes like me open up to her with little complaint. So yes, she was indeed an attractive and fine woman.

 

 

But I think the good looks were just a cover to hide the conniving little snake inside. She believes that I hadn't notice how she had led me to the conversation about my human past earlier and how she's currently goading me to reveal my history with Cecily. But god damn her again because it was actually working.

 

 

Her challenging look was inciting the fighter in me to do what she wanted and prove to her that I wasn't afraid of anything nor was I hiding anything from her. And I am hating her for that, because I just don't like it when people try to pull my strings and make me do the things they want.

 

 

She suddenly sighs, breaking our staring contest and making me curious as to what was the reason behind it.

 

 

"I don't want to force you to tell me about her, Spike," she told me.

 

 

_Yeah, right. And what you've been doing since earlier was just your way of saying you weren't interested!_

 

 

"But I really have to know. Not because I am curious about her, though believe me I am. But more because I believe she holds one of the keys in finding out the story behind one your issues."

 

 

_Oh, please not that again!_

 

"I don't have co-dependency issues," I stated angrily.

 

 

"Perhaps. But you know you have issues, and we can never know for certain which one of them is causing you problems that result in your unhappiness. So it's why I need to know everything there is to know about you, and the best way to do that is not about just finding out who you currently are now, though that's also necessary, but more on who you once were. I need to find out all there is to know about your past, Spike: may it be your human past or the time you spent with your Sire and her family, in order to learn about who you are now. I need to know why you are the way you are so I can find a suitable way to help you," she explained calmly, countering my aggression, "You see,Spike, there's a process in what I do. And that means that there's always a reason for everything that we do and talk about here, and that reason would be what could give way to either a solution to your issues or answers and realizations about yourself that could help you get through your issues. That's why I am always asking you to trust me, because the only way for me to help you is to let me do my job without you always doubting me and thinking I have ulterior motives. I already told you, Spike, that all I want to do is to help you. So please help me too."

 

 

Her sincerity was one of the things that I noticed that I hate about the woman, because it had the ability to affect both the man and demon inside of me in a way that made them want to comply with what she wanted.

 

 

"I already told you about my relationship with Cecily. If you were listening to my rant earlier you'd know already what I had with that woman," I informed her.

 

 

"I did listen to your rant, but I need specifics, Spike: like how exactly were you two acquainted, how did you act around her and what did she do to break your heart, that kind of information is important." I opened my mouth to ask why but she cut me off before the words even passed my lips. "Because it will help us figure something out about yourself that you would not have noticed before."

 

 

I still didn't understand why she wanted to know about Cecily, but she was the doctor and, as she had said earlier, I needed to trust her and do what she asks so she can help me.

 

 

_Guess there's no better time to do that than now._

 

"Cecily and I were childhood friends," I admitted as the memory of our first meeting came to mind. "Our fathers were best mates and business partners and they sort of introduced us to each other. I was a shy and quiet young lad while Cecily was a very spirited little girl. The two of us couldn't have been any more different, yet we were able to form a friendship like no other." I smiled fondly as I remembered how she was the one who approached and befriended me while I was sitting in the corner of the room reading a book. "She had such an amazing imagination and made so many fun games for the two of us to play. She was kind, gentle and very caring. She loved music and art, and in fact it was her who got me interested in poetry. She had everything good in the world all rolled up inside of her, and I really loved and enjoyed her company very much." I paused as I thought of what had happened that changed all that we had between us, then took a deep and unnecessary breath before finally continuing my story. "Of course our relationship changed when my father sent me off to boarding school. We tried to keep contact by sending letters to each other but were unable to because we both got busy with each of our own studies. When I reached twenty-one, on the exact day of my college graduation I heard word that my father had passed away. Consumption, they said was what he had. I came back home for my father's funeral and, for the first time in many years, I was finally able to see Cecily again, and what a wonderful surprise it had been. She had grown so much in the few years we'd been apart, into a very fine young woman, but at the same time she still retained her usual kindness and gentleness that she had always exhibited towards me. It was at that moment I realized that I loved her. We rekindled our friendship and became close again. It didn't take me long to realize that I wanted to profess my love to her and ask her to be my wife, but circumstances got in the way. My mother became ill with the same sickness that took my father, and so taking care of her then became my top priority and proposing to Cecily just had to wait." I paused again but this time it was because I remembered my dear mother and the suffering she had to undergo because of her illness. I remembered the sleepless nights I stood by her bed, watching helplessly as she was attacked by one of her severe coughing and praying to God not to take her yet. I remembered how the beautiful woman who had loved and raised me slowly withered and died each passing day. Then I remembered how I ended her torment not once but twice and the pain that came along with it.

 

 

_Whoever said that vampires can't feel any emotions were moronic sods who had no clue what they were writing about._

 

"Spike?" the doc's voice pierced my thoughts and took me out of my musing. "Here," she said handing me a box of tissues.

 

 

_What the hell's that for?_

 

 

I was about to ask but didn't when I felt some wetness on my face.

 

 

_Fuck! I didn't even noticed that I was crying._

 

I took the box and pulled out a couple of tissues from it and wiped my eyes with them.

 

 

"Sorry. I just get a tad emotional when I remember my mum."

 

 

"Don't worry about it, Spike. I'd shed a few tears too when I am reminded of my sister, Taly, who died in a fire back when we were kids." I saw the tears start to show in the corner of her eyes, proving to me what she just said.

 

 

"Here," I handed back the box.

 

 

She took the box and used the tissue for herself. She wiped clean her tears before composing herself.

 

 

"Thank you," she said with a grateful smile. "Well, how about we put that little drama behind us and go back to your story."

 

 

I really didn't want to tell the next part of my story because it was the part of my life that I both hated and loved. Hated because I had my first love crush my heart into a million pieces and loved because it was because of what had happened that I met Dru that night.

 

 

"I had told before that I spent most of my time taking care of mother and writing bad poetry, but what I didn't tell you was that most of my poems were written about one person. Cecily. I still hadn't forgotten that I wanted to marry her, but like I said I had my mother to worry about, so my happiness had to wait. Six years later, I was still taking care of mother and again Cecily and I grew apart. Oh, we still met up when she would come and visit my home and talk with my mother and she would still listen to my poetry and tell me what she thought of them. She was the only one besides my mother who loved my work. Even the ones that I knew were awful, she'd still had nice things to say about them." I paused again to get my thoughts together so I'll be able to tell the next and final part of the story. "But that's the limit of our friendship, because on the rare occasions that I would come to social gatherings and meet up with her, she would seek to avoid me at all cost and would choose to ignore me like the rest of the ladies that were around at that time. I was gullible and hadn't notice these behaviors from her and only thought they were there because she didn't want people to harass me any further because I was friends with her. I thought she was protecting me by avoiding me. Idiot. That's what I was. Should've known that wasn't the reason for the girl's avid avoidance of me." I stopped again and tried to compose myself. I was angry now, though not at Cecily but at myself.

 

 

How could I had been so stupid at the time? The signs were so obvious even back then. Had I noticed, I would've been spared of the heartache and embarrassment that happened to me that night.

 

 

 _Stupid, stupid, lovesick fool! And you wonder why women in your life don't love you back. It's because you're always expecting too much of them, you read their actions wrong, and that's what gets you in these situations with women. That's what gets you--_ I stopped my inner rant as I felt a hand land on my knee.

 

 

I looked up and saw the doctor looking at me with sympathetic eyes.

 

 

"There's no point in blaming yourself for whatever happened between the two of you," she said. "It's in the past, Spike, you don't have to be so hard on yourself. And you said it yourself that you were in love with her, and love, especially our first loves, makes us blind to the harsh truths about them."

 

 

She was right. I shouldn't blame myself for what happened, nor should I still blame Cecily. It was in the past and there is nothing I can do to change that, and even if I could I wouldn't because that would mean I would change who I am and miss out on the people who I know now.

 

 

But despite how I know all of this, my anger towards Cecily hadn't ebbed even a little. Her harsh words that night, didn't only break my heart and love for her but it also broke something deeper that we had since we were young. She had broken our friendship and I don't think I can easily forgive her for that.

 

 

"Cecily showed her true colors at Lord's Henry's homecoming party. I came only to appease my mother, who kept nagging me to come to these petty celebrations. I believe she was finally trying to get me to find a woman for myself, and I couldn't agree with her more. But there was only one woman that I had wanted to be with and she was at the party so I had decided to come and finally tell her the depths of my love for her. I wanted my confession to be unique so I wrote to her a poem, but I also didn't want to use a poem that she had already read from me, so I wrote to her during the party. I was on my way to give her the poem when Mr. Prinscot and the others took it from me and read my poem out loud so that everyone in the room heard. They all made fun of me, and called me my most hated moniker, William the Bloody, for my Bloody Awful Poetry. I shrugged them off and ignored their harsh words, as usual, and continued my approach towards my friend..." I paused yet again as I felt my unbeating heart constrict from the pain of the memory. I closed my eyes as I relayed the final moments I remembered of the last night of my human existence. "She asked if the poem was about her, and I told her that every syllable was indeed about her. I saw the horror in her eyes that I had never thought I'd be able to place there and I knew even at that time that she would reject me. But I had to try, I had to let her know the sincerity of my feelings, the depth of them. So I begged her to consider me, told her that I was a good man, asked her to see me as she had done so many countless times since we were children..."

 

 

 _"I do see you--"_ I heard her voice in my head and replayed what she had said to me that night. _"--that's the problem. You're nothing to me, William. You're beneath me."_

 

 

"I was beneath her... Those were her exact words. My only friend rejected my love and at the same time rejected my entire existence all in one night. Heartbroken, I fled the party and cried in an old stable where I met my Sire and had my entire life turned around as I was reborn into the vampire I am today," I concluded my story.

 

 

There was a moment of silence that followed as we sat and took in everything I had said tonight. In those few minutes, I realized that again, in a few hours of this session of ours, I had revealed so much about myself that I never would've told anyone before, and again, like the last time, I felt relieved that I was able to get that off my chest. It seemed that that night with Cecily had been one of the things that still continued to bother me even after all this time, and now that I was able to talk about it, the pain I still kept feeling every time I remembered that night was slowly disappearing.

 

 

I know I was still angry Cecily for what she did, breaking my heart and our friendship, but I no longer blame her for doing what she did. She was just acting like everyone else in that time, and I know the depths of what peer pressure can do to a person, what it can force them to do for the sake of their friends. I know it very intimately because I saw the same thing happening to Buffy countless times. So I couldn't fault the girl for it now.

 

 

I looked back up to the doctor to see what she was doing and what she had to say about everything I just told her, and saw that she was simply staring at me with those shining brown and all-knowing eyes that seemed to stare right past my soul, if I had one.

 

 

"What?" I asked, feeling uncomfortable under her gaze.

 

 

"Nothing," was her only answer as she continued her staring.

 

 

"If it's nothing then why are you staring at me like that?!"

 

 

"Like what, Spike?"

 

 

"Like you're studying me or something. Stop that and spit it out already, I don't like being looked that way. Reminds me too much of those Initiative doctors."

 

 

She giggled and it irritated me even further. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. But I was just thinking of something and how I should ask you about it."

 

 

"If it involves how you can help me just ask it already. It's not like I have much of a choice but to answer your questions."

 

 

"You always have a choice, Spike. As I keep telling you I won't force you to tell me anything, but I would prefer you would so that we can make progress in getting through your issues."

 

 

"Whatever," I said, "Just ask the damn thing already!"

 

 

"Very well. I wanted to ask you what you think was the reason why Cecily rejected you that night."

 

 

_The hell?_

 

 

"What the bloody hell are you talking about? Why on the earth would you want to know why Cecily rejected me that night?! And why the hell would I know the reason? I haven't exactly gone back to talk to her about it."

 

 

"Spike, calm down. I was simply asking what you think was her reason for rejecting you. I'm not asking why she rejected you, but what you think was her reason," she clarified the question.

 

 

"The hell if I know. Peer pressure, maybe. Bint was always the center of everyone's attention and she always had a lot of suitors, so she had an image to maintain. It wouldn't have done her any good if she were found out that she and I were close friends, much worse if they learned that I fancied her. So yeah, she rejected me and showed in front of everyone how she put me in my true place."

 

 

"And you don't find that strange?"

 

 

"I already told you earlier that name and status were important at that time and age, Cecily rejecting me for those reasons weren't as strange as you believe them to be."

 

 

"No, Spike. What I am trying to say is that your best friend, the one who takes the time out of her day away from her high class friends just to continuously visit you and your mother and admire your bad poetry, would suddenly reject you just like that with no explanation why. Don't you find anything strange about that behavior?"

 

 

"No, 'cause like I said she was--" But I couldn't finish that sentence because now that I was thinking about it, the Cecily I knew wouldn't have rejected me as cruelly as she did that night. Even her suitors more lower than me were properly turned downed, but that night she was especially cruel to me and why was that.

 

 

I look back at the doctor in confusion hoping she can give light to Cecily's reason for her behavior that night.

 

 

She shook her head. "I don't know her reasons, Spike, nor will you find out by simply sitting here and speculating about it. The only person who can answer you now is Cecily herself."

 

 

"I'm not gonna go and talk to that bitch, tonight," I stated angrily both because I hated the thought of seeing her and because I was frustrated that I couldn't find a reason behind her behavior of that night.

 

 

"I'm not saying you should go tonight, Spike. But I do think you should consider going to her and asking her about it while she is still in town."

 

 

"Why?" Was what I had wanted to ask. But I didn't because I knew the answer to the question and I actually agree with it for some crazy reason.

 

 

I had to know why she did it because if I didn't I would continue to be hung up with the events of that night, because, even though I no longer feel pain, remembering that event, the words she told me that night still rung constantly in my ears and always reminded me of what a failure I was as a man and how undeserving I was of any woman.

 

 

_"You're beneath me."_

 

 

I had to know, no, I need to know.

 

 

"Damn, I should've just let Cecily talk to me last night and let her explain, then I wouldn't have to be the one to broach the subject," I muttered irritatedly.

 

 

"What was that you said?"

 

 

_Damn, I forgot she was still in the same room._

 

 

"Nothing, important," I said but still told her my accounts of the night before and how Cecily came to my crypt and asked if she could explain what had happened that night many years ago. "I just wish that I'd have let her talk to me last night and had let her explain her actions instead of turning her down and insulting her. Now I have to be the one to go to her and apologize for my rudeness and have her explain to me her behavior of that night a long time ago.  Though now, I doubt that she'll be as willing as she had been last night." I sighed.

 

 

The doctor giggled again. "I don't think you have anything to worry about, Spike. I think she will be more than willing to answer your questions even after whatever insult you gave her last night."

 

 

"What makes you say that?"

 

 

"Well, because she wouldn't have come to you in the first place if she too didn't want to tell you about her version of that story. She must've been expected your reaction in some way, and yet she came anyway. So if you give her a chance then I believe without a doubt that she would take that chance with no hesitation."

 

 

She had a point and that comforted me a little to know that I wouldn't be rejected again by that same woman.

 

 

"Oh, dear look at the time."

 

 

I glanced up and saw the reason for her surprise.

 

 

1:00 am

 

My eyes widened as I realized that once again I hadn't noticed that two hours and thirty minutes had actually passed.

 

 

"I guess we just have to continue this discussion in our next session," she told me as she stood up.

 

 

"Wait, we're done? But we haven't even gone to the discussion about my problem, whatever it is, and how to solve it."

 

 

"I know, but we've run out of time," she states, "But don't worry, at our next meeting we'll tackle those things immediately. But for now, I'm gonna give you an assignment that you need to do before our next session."

 

 

"An assignment?" I grimaced. I haven't done assignments since I was in school. I don't think I'd be fond of such a thing now that I was a vampire.

 

 

"Yes, but not the kind you are thinking. It's just something that you need to do before our next appointment."

 

 

"Alright, what is it?" I asked not seeing anything wrong about having to do something for the woman who was currently helping me.

 

 

"Well, your assignment is your talk with Cecily."

 

 

_Wait, what?_

 

 

"I want you to talk to her before our next session and ask her about her reason for why she did what she did to you that night, because in our next session we will be talking about what you two talked about before we go to the point where I tell you about your problem and advice you of a possible solution to it," she said this as she walked towards her desk and started organizing her table and packed up her belongings into her bag. "Do you understand this, Spike?"

 

 

I nodded. "Yeah. But I don't think I like this assignment."

 

 

She simply laughed at my displeasure. "A lot of my clients don't like doing their first assignment but I assure you the end results will be extremely satisfying. If not it will at least be enlightening." She picked up her bag and walked beside me. "Come on, I'll walk with you outside."

 

 

I followed her until we left the building and walked to where she parked her car in companionable silence.

 

 

"Well, this is me. Do you need a ride to that cemetery of yours?"

 

 

I smile. But declined the offer. I wouldn't want to be the reason she gets hurt because she thought it was safe to drive a vampire to his home in the cemetery.

 

 

"Alright, suit yourself." She got in her car and opened a window and called out. "Are you sure you don't want me to drive you home?"

 

 

I had to laugh at her persistence. Loony bint can be as stubborn as the Slayer. "I'll be fine, pet. You can go along your way and I can make it home to mine in one piece."

 

 

"Alright. If that's what you want, goodbye then Spike. I hope to see you in our next session," she told me as she turned on the engine.

 

 

"Goodbye to you too, doc and I'll try to come early again to our next meeting."

 

 

"That's good to hear. I'll be seeing you then!" She called out as she drove off on the empty streets of town.

 

 

Once the doctor's car had disappeared from the intersection, I then slowly made my way home. As I walked, I thought about tonight's session and the assignment the good doctor gave me. I had realised a lot about myself tonight but most importantly I had realised some things with regards to Cecily. I know that I still had feelings for the girl, though not as strongly as before but I still do love her enough that I really am willing to take a leap of faith and actually give her a chance to explain herself to me. As the doc said if not to satisfy my curiosity but also to enlighten me in some way or another.

 

 

As I neared my crypt, I finally made the decision to find Cecily tomorrow and have that chat with her.

 

**TBC**

 

 

**(O.O)**


	3. Everyone's View Outside of Therapy part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after "Dead Things".
> 
> Dawn finds Spike right after Buffy beats him up in the alley. The younger Summers woman nurses him back to health but then tells Spike that needs more help than just getting his physical injuries healed, and so she forces him to see a demon psychiatrist for his problems.
> 
> Read and find out how Dr. Miranda Grey helps our favorite vampire deal with his countless issues, and how her help can also help Spike get through to the Love of His Unlife, and possibly get the girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is everyone's views of what happens to Spike, after his every therapy sessions. I hope that you will enjoy it all the same...

**(O.O)**

**Buffy**

 

I hate research and I hate it even more when I have to partake in it. Giles used to be the one who did all this research stuff while I did the slaying stuff. But since my Watcher had decided to leave me to _grow up_ and has gone back to his mother country, I have no choice but to offer my two cents to the research workload.

 

I am currently at the Magic Box with my sister and all my friends so we can all work together to find a demon that's said to bring in the apocalypse this week. Well, Dawn wasn't really included in researching, but I couldn't leave her alone in the house again, especially not after what happened at my birthday party. Anyway, it's already 9pm and we still had no clue what this demon is, and someone, namely me, is starting to get really frustrated.

 

"Gah! What was Giles thinking when he called us about this prophecy foretelling a demon that would appear some time this week from some other dimension to destroy this one and not help us stop it? He could've at least given us an idea what kind of demon it was but noo, he just called, told us the prophecy, asked us to stop it and hung up. He didn't even greetedme a Belated Happy Birthday. I mean what kind of father's he? Well, he's not actually my real father, but he's the closes thing I have to one, and yet he couldn't even spare a measly two minutes of his time to ask how I was doing? How Dawn, and everyone else were doing? And he wondered why I was angry when I talked to him this morning. He didn't even care less about any of us when had drop the next apocalyptic bombshell on us," I ranted in my head as I flipped the page of the book I was currently reading. I didn't really understand what the book in front of me was saying but hey, at last I was helping.

 

A few more pages of senseless flipping and my mind wondered again. This time my thoughts came up with a positive thing that is brought on by this apocalypse, and that was the fact that I now had a reason not to go running off to see a certain bleached blond vampire. I had been avoiding him lately because I didn't want to have a conversation with him about what I did to him a week ago.

 

I did something that I wasn't proud of and I didn't want to be reminded of it by having to see him and have him talk to me about it. So I avoided him like plague, and tried to ignore and forget the entire thing.

 

_Too bad that it's not an easy thing to do._

 

I'm still haunted by the memory of what I did to him, even without having him nearby as a reminder. I remembered how I felt awful after it had happened because not only did I beat him up to a bloodied pulp but because of the fact I did the deed in the first place. I had known that I was in a bad place but I also knew that it didn't excuse what I did to a defenseless creature.

 

_Defenseless, my ass. He could've fought back had he wanted to._

 

And that's another thing that bothered me about the what had happened because he didn't want to fight back. He just sat there and took all my beatings, harsh words and he did all of it because he thought he was helping me.

 

_A soulless monster accepting punishment because he thought he could help, how mind boggling was that?_

 

But it wasn't as mind boggling as the fact that he did help me and almost paid a great price in doing so.

 

I closed my eyes as I tried not to think of the possibility of what could've happened had he not been able to move after what I did to him and tried not to think about just how close he was to dusting that night because of me.

 

_He's fine, Buffy. No need to think of those things anymore._

 

But I couldn't help it and I couldn't help but consider the possibility of Spike dusting that night and think about the scary thought of what really losing him meant to me, which opens up the gates to major Wigginsville. I mean, why would I be afraid of seeing Spike die? I've been trying to get rid of him for a long time and him dying would've been the best solution to that. But then I'd start to imagine what it would be like when he's really gone and for some reason I get this undeniable feeling of loneliness inside me. It was in that instant I'd realized how much the blond menace had began to mean to me.

 

I shook my head and prevented myself from further entertaining such thoughts of Spike meaning something to me. He's a vampire and one would think that I'd have learned my lesson by now not to invest positive feelings for undead bloodsuckers.

 

An image of another vampire came to mind in that particular instant: the tall, broody and soulled kind, and it was that image that served as a reminder just how wrong it was for me to feel anything good for Spike.

 

_He doesn't have a soul. There's nothing good or clean in him. He's dead inside and can't feel anything real. He's nothing but a thing so that means he doesn't deserve my attention and is only there for my comfort nothing more. I shouldn't feel sorry for what I did nor should I feel sorry for him. He's nothing to me._

 

I told myself this like a prayer each time my thoughts would venture to the territory of Spike's place in my life or anything good in relation to him. I have to do this because if I didn't my life would get even more complicated than I need it to be.

 

_And I so don't want to deal with anything complicated at the moment. So I better stop thinking about all this right now._

 

But of course just as soon as I decided to stop all thoughts of Spike, fate decided to kick me in the behind because just then the bastard walked into the Magic Box through the front door.

 

"What the hell are you doing here, Spike?" Xander was the one who took the words out of my mouth. So I settled with glaring at the blond vamp.

 

"Shut up, whelp. I'll leave just as soon as I'm done," he told my friend then purposefully walked towards the table that Anya and her vengeance demon friend were occupying.

 

"We need to talk," he said to the vengeance demon, Haleck, or Halfeck, or was it Halfrek?

 

"I thought you didn't want to have anything more to do with me?" she asked him.

 

"I didn't." He glared at her. "But something happened and now I've decided to hear you out."

 

"And what if this time it's me who doesn't want anything to do with you? What are you gonna do about it, huh?" She raised a challenging brow.

 

Spike glare intensified as he said the next words. "Don't fuck with me, Cecily. I couldn't care less about what you want. I'm only here cause someone told me to give you a chance and hear what you have to say. But if you want to be stubborn and stupid about it, fine, because I'm not gonna force you, although you need to remember that this will be the one and only chance you get to be heard, and there won't be a next time. So you better make up your bloody mind right now, 'cause I don't like waiting."

 

She stared back at him and contemplated his words before nodding her head in agreement. "Fine, we'll talk," she stated, standing up from her seat and grabbing her coat.

 

He nodded back at her. "There's a café a couple blocks from here. We can talk there," he informed her as he made his way to the door.

 

"Anyanka, it seems I won't be riding home with you and your estranged fiance tonight. I'll still be seeing you at your apartment though so we can finish deciding the maid of honor's dress," she told Anya before walking out with Spike, who opened the door for her. "Such a gentleman as always, William." I heard her say as they made their way out.

 

"Shut up," came Spike's reply as the door of the shop closed behind them.

 

Silence was left in their wake. No one was sure what we had all  just witnessed,by then Xander was the one who once again spoke what everyone was thinking.

 

"Uh, what the heck was that about?" Xander he asked everyone, who shared the same confused look as he had, "Since when does dead boy junior go on coffee dates with demons?"

 

"Um-he didn't really say that he was going on a date with her," Willow pointed out.

 

"Yeah, but he still only came here to ask her out, and what's up with that?" he asked.

 

"What's up with what, Xander? Spike came here to talk to Halie and they went out to talk at the café a few blocks from here. How is that suspicious to you?" Anya, who had stopped flipping her bridal magazine, asked her fiance.

 

"The part where he came here to talk to a demon, honey, a vengeance demon at that," he told his future wife, who cast an incredulous look at her future husband.  Xander choose to ignore the look and instead turned to face everyone else in the room. "I mean he just came in here to see the demon and didn't even stop to ask what we were doing, which, you got to admit, is not a Spike thing to do. We all know that he's usually the first one to come here and inform us of the next big bad just to score good points with Buffy. But he didn't even do that! Hell, he practically ignored Buffy all together, which is again not a Spike thing to do!" he exclaimed, pointing out several valid points for everyone in the room. I especially had to agree with the part that Spike indeed ignored me earlier. "Something must be up. I mean, this is Spike! And the fact he's meeting with a vengeance demon, I think it should be enough to make us all cautious, don't you think?" He asked the last part while looking at me, actually expecting me to agree with him.

 

I was taken by surprise at suddenly being asked about my opinion regarding Spike's odd behavior and wasn't sure what to say with what he was implying or what he wanted me to say in the first place, but luckily for me, I didn't get a chance to say anything because Dawn, who had been in the shop's corner studying, was the one who spoke next.

 

" _Please_!" she said, rolling her eyes at the same time as she joined in the conversation. She stood up from her chair and faced my friend. "Xander, I think you're over thinking this. I mean, just 'cause Spike decided to come here and talk to someone that is not us, doesn't directly mean he's plotting something evil against us. Because--seriously, this is Spike! He's the guy who spent the entire summer with us, protecting me and the Hellmouth together with you guys. He's saved our butts more times than we can count and you people really think that just 'cause he decides to have coffee and a serious conversation with someone who's possibly an old acquaintance of his, that he's already plotting our demise?! Come on! You guys should know better than that!"

 

Dawn looked angrily at us, but that wasn't what caught my attention in her outburst. It had been the way she said the word old acquaintance that made me think that perhaps my little sister knew more about the subject than she was letting on. I was about to ask her about it but Xander beat me to it.

 

"Dawn, I understand that you think that Spike wouldn't hurt us because of what happened last summer," Xander told her placatingly, "But I think you're forgetting the fact that he's a soulless vampire and that means-"

 

"You're a poophead, Xander Harris!" she cut him off, "If you or any one of you would even think that Spike would still want hurt us because he's a soulless vampire then you are all dumber than I thought you were! He's been with us for a long time now, fighting on our side! He's been tortured by Glory, thrown off a tower while trying to save me! He guarded the Hellmouth with you and babysat me all summer and he hasn't even asked for anything in return for his services." Xander opened his mouth to say something to dispute Dawn's statement but she didn't let him say anything. "And don't you say he did it to get into Buffy's pants, Xander, because you know that Buffy was gone that summer, and he could've left but he didn't and instead he stuck around and did all those things for us, despite how many times you insulted him and downgraded his deeds, he still stayed! So don't you dare say that he's gonna do something evil now 'cause he's a soulless demon, because you and I both know that he's different from Angel!"

 

I flinched at the mention of my ex-boyfriend's name, but no one seemed to noticed because my friends had just started to arguing back at my sister about what a bad influence Spike had been on her and that her trust wasn't rightly placed on the aforementioned vamp. So I just sat silently in my chair and watched, like Anya and Tara were doing, the exchange between my sister and my two oldest friends.

 

Dawn stood strong with her beliefs and made even more valid arguments regarding how much Spike had changed over the years. When her points weren't accepted, she started telling hard and painful facts about each and every one of the Scoobies and started using their own mistakes against them to defend her friend.

 

"Like when you called on that Song and Dance demon, Xander? Or when you summoned a troll, Willow? You two did all that and hurt a lot of people, but did you two even stop to think about the consequences of your actions? How many people were hurt or killed by them? No, you didn't! You two just went on with your lives like it was nothing, like those you hurt didn't matter. Yet you guys have the audacity to say that Spike's a murderer and never fail to condemn him for his sins! You guys are a bunch of hypocrites!"

 

"It's different for us, Dawnie," Willow said, "We never meant to hurt anyone while Spike--"

 

"Never meant to hurt anyone? But you still did! And just 'cause it wasn't your intent to do it, it doesn't make what you did okay. At least Spike had a reason for doing the things he did, because hey,he was evil! But what about you two? What're your excuses?"

 

My friends were stunned to silences after that. While I couldn't help the feeling of pride swell inside of me at the wonderful sight of my baby sister going all smart-and-logical-girl on everyone, even though she was doing all this to defend a soulless monster. I simply watched as Dawn stood straight, her hands on her hips, breathing heavily, her nostrils flaring as she glared at my friends while she waited for them to say their next big Spike-insult. When nothing came, she spoke up again.

 

"Just so you know, Spike isn't planning anything with Halfrek. Believe it or not they are just gonna be talking. I know this because, Spike told me this morning."

 

After hearing this confession though, it was my turn to look angrily at Dawn.

 

"And when exactly did you have this conversation with him this morning?" I asked finally joining the conversation. I couldn't help but notice the relieved expressions that crossed on both of my friends' faces as I stood up and waited for my sister to answer.

 

She winced, probably because of her little slip of tongue, before answering my question.

 

"I may have visited him before I went to school today," she said in a low voice that she thought I would miss.

 

"Didn't Janice's mother say she was gonna take you straight to school?" I asked and narrowed my eyes at my lying little sister.

 

She flinched and took a step back as she answered my question. "Yee-aahh, but I might've told her that you had changed your mind about that and asked her to drop me at home instead."

 

"If she dropped you home, how the hell did you talk to Spike?" I questioned, gradually getting angrier at her deceit.

 

"Well, I kinda ran to his place after Janice's mom left," she admitted looking sightly sheepish.

 

"You ran from our house to Spike's place?" I asked to clarify, and when she nodded, it was then that I lost the last of my control. "Dawn!" I cried angrily. "Do have any idea how dangerous that was?! What the hell were you thinking?! No, you weren't thinking, as always!"

 

"Hey, that is so not true! I do know what I was doing! And it wasn't even that dangerous because, hello? It was seven in the morning! There was a lot of daylight during that time!"

 

"It doesn't matter! You still shouldn't wander alone in the cemetery at any time of the day!" I told her. "There are still demons who can walk during the day and they could've seen you and you could've gotten hurt or worse, killed!"

 

Fear gripped my heart at the thought of something bad happening to Dawn. I hated the feeling and there was only one person I can blame for making me feel such a thing.

 

"This is why you shouldn't stay friends with vampires, they don't think about these things!"

 

"Hey, don't blame my recklessness on my friendship with Spike! It doesn't have anything to do with it!"

 

"The hell it doesn't, Dawn! If you weren't friends with that stupid vampire you wouldn't have to go and visit him in the first place!"

 

"I wouldn't have to visit him if you hadn't banned him from seeing me! He's my friend, Buffy! Do you really think you can keep me from seeing him just like that?!" she shouted at me.

 

"Yes!" I screamed back at her, louder than I intended, but it was enough to shut Dawn up. "Yes, I am gonna keep you from seeing him, Dawn. In fact I don't want you seeing him anymore."

 

It wasn't a good decision but it was the only thing I can think of that could keep Dawn safe.

 

"You can't do that--"

 

"Yes, I can," I told her with conviction. "From now on, you will not leave the house without me, Willow or Xander to accompany you, and if you are at Janice's, I want you to stay at Janice's. No more lying where you're going. No more morning visits to the cemetery. No more talking to Spike!"

 

"But he's my friend!" The desperation rang heavily in her voice but my decision didn't waver.

 

"Then it's time that stops now! Xander and Willow may have their flaws, Dawn, they weren't wrong about Spike. He's a killer, a soulless monster. The only reason you are not dead is because of that chip in his head, if that stops working he will kill again. And guess who he'll kill first? You. The overly trusting human girl, who happens to be the Slayer's kid sister."

 

"No, he wouldn't do that! Spike cares about me! Even if the chip stops working he wouldn't hurt me!"

 

"Cares about you? He's a vampire, Dawn, a soulless one at that. He doesn't feel anything. Whatever illusion that got you to believe that he is capable of feeling emotions should stop now. It's not real. He's not real. The sooner you realize this the easier it is for you to understand my point."

 

"That's where you're wrong, Buffy. Just because Angel doesn't love you without a soul doesn't mean Spike can't! He stayed, Buffy! He stayed even when you were gone! He stayed to protect your sister and friends! He stayed because he promised you he would! To the end of the world! That's what he told you! And dammit, he did just that and more! How can you still tell me that he doesn't care? How can you still tell me that he isn't capable of loving?! When he was willing to undergo torture for you not once but twice, just to protect you!" I was confused at the last part of what she said.

 

_When did he get tortured again for me, because besides Glory, I know no one who did such a thing to Spike because of me._

Dawn must've saw the confusion in my face because she told me what she meant. Of course, I wished she hadn't though.

 

"I talking about last week, at the alley by the police station," she said glaring at me.

 

Realization dawned into me, along with rage. Rage against the vampire who told my sister what happened and couldn't keep our encounter a secret.

 

"Don't you dare get angry at him," she warned me. "I went to the station to try and stop you one more time, when I saw his wounded form in an alley nearby. I asked what he was doing there, he said he was trying to stop you, but he never told me who did that to him. He tried to tell me that it was a demon who did that to him, but Spike could never lie to me to save his life. Of course after that it wasn't hard to guess what had happened to him, Buffy. I knew you had been there, because it would've been impossible for Spike not to have come to see you before you turned yourself in. I also know how stubborn you two can be and how violent you are towards him when he annoys you enough or when he proves you wrong. So I put two and two together and guessed everything that happened. How could you be so cruel to him, Buffy? How can you be so cruel after everything he has done for you?"

 

It was my turn to be speechless. My sister found out about the subject I had been avoiding and now I am forced to face it with her instead of Spike.

 

Spike. The fucking bane of my existence. This was all his fault. Dawn, wouldn't have found out if he just went home after I left him there. At that moment, I didn't care that he had been too injured at the time to even go back to his crypt on his own. Or that he didn't actually tell Dawn the entire story of what had happened. I just couldn't give a fuck about him at that moment because--

 

"It doesn't matter," I whispered in a low voice so that Dawn couldn't hear.

 

"What?" she asked, "What do mean it that it doesn't matter."

 

_Guess she heard after all._

 

"It doesn't matter what he's done, Dawn, or what I did to him. It's none of your business anyway."

 

"None of my business? He's my frie--"

 

"That doesn't matter either, because whatever you have with him ends now. I was serious when I said that I don't want you seeing him anymore, Dawn. He's a danger to you, not only because of the possibility of the chip no longer working but because danger follows him wherever he goes and I don't want you getting caught in it. So staying away is the only solution to that, this is the only way I can protect you."

 

"Danger follows him, huh? Wow, that's funny coming from you, considering you're the Slayer, and danger and you are best buddies."

 

_Okay, should've seen that one coming._

"Whatever, Dawn. Like I said none of that matters now, because you are still no longer seeing Spike."

 

"That's so unfair!"

 

"Life is never fair, Dawn! And I would know because I became a Slayer, died twice, lost my mother at a young age, got pulled out of Heaven by my friends and now I have to work at a stinky fast food restaurant so I can pay the bills and raise my ungrateful little sister, who doesn't understand the dangers of being friends with a soulless vampire!"

 

Shock became evident on my sister's face, then it was replaced by hurt. I felt guilty for putting it there but I didn't want to. It was all confusing and I am hating everything.

 

"God! I don't need this now!" I told her after seeing the tears in her eyes. I turned to face my friends, who all looked just as surprise as Dawn. "Will, can you take care of Dawn. Make sure she gets home and would be asleep before I get back?" My witch friend nodded tentatively. "Good. I need to go and see Spike. Xander's right, it is suspicious that he would decide to hang out with a demon, a vengeance one at that. I'm gonna check them out and then find out what he knows about this demon of ours too. You guys can go home now. We'll continue this research about this demon tomorrow."

 

I didn't wait for them to answer and just headed outside and walked towards the café where Spike said he was gonna talk to that vengeance demon friend of his. Once I got there I immediately saw them at the table in the corner of the café through the shop's glass window, and my heart immediately constricted at the sight that I was seeing.

 

He was smiling. And it was not in that predatory kind of smiling he always showed when I was with him and he wanted to either have sex with me or eat someone. No, it was not that kind of smile he was currently wearing. This one was a genuine, gentle, kind and human looking smile, that made him look ten times younger and cuter. It was something that he has never shared with me, the woman he claims to love, and it was making me angry that he was giving it to a demon ho-bag that ruined my party last Sunday.

 

_Who the hell is she?! And what the hell was he thinking seeing that woman, who obviously doesn't hold a candle to me?!_

 

I was angry and didn't care about how unreasonable I was being, nor about the fact that I shouldn't feel this way towards someone I claimed not to love.

 

_I don't love him but that doesn't make it okay for him to make goo goo eyes on Miss Slutty of the Month! Ugh! Is she touching his hand? Bitch! That's my vamp your feeling up!_

 

I couldn't help it anymore, I wanted to rip that woman's hand off for that contact, and I was gonna do exactly  that. I marched towards the cafe and was about to go inside and tear those two demons apart but stopped after what I saw next.

 

His eyes. I knew that look he was using. It was the very same look I know I had when I stared at Angel. If Spike was using such a look at the woman in front of him, it meant that she wasn't just any ordinary woman he planned on flirting with. No, it wasn't. It seemed their relationship ran deeper than that, and I didn't think I wanted to get in a way with such a thing because even I wasn't that cruel.

 

I took a step back and walked away from the pair not even taking notice anymore how Spike moved away from her hand when it was about to touch his cheek. I just kept walking, walking as far away as I could from the reality that I had again driven away another man from my life.

 

**(O.O)**

**Spike**

 

It was late and I was on my way back to my crypt from my meeting with Cecily. I found it funny how I had been too reluctant to meet with her then ended up talking to the woman for nearly three hours until it was the shop's closing time. But it was understandable that we had spent that long talking to each other, we had nearly a century and more to catch up with on each other's past.

 

Speaking of the past, I had found out tonight that Cecily hadn't really meant what she said to me that night of my death. Apparently her father, my father's best mate and business partner, had threatened her that if she didn't destroy our friendship and turn down my pursuit he will take all of my family's fortune for his own and leave me and my mum with nothing but the clothes on our back. He had wanted Cecily to avoid me and my family because it had not been good for their reputation.

 

Cecily said that she had been sorry for what she did to me and that she had wanted to explain things to me but I hadn't come home because I had died that night. She had been devastated by my disappearance and would've locked herself up in her room because of depression had her father not done what he did to her next; her father had betrothed her to Sir Kingston, a mean, rude but rich and old business man from America.

 

Anger and resentment towards her father drove her to make the man suffer for what he did. Cecily, who had apparently used to dabble in the dark arts during our time away from each other, had placed a Curse on her father making the man extremely unlucky. Slowly her father lost all of his fortune and became sick with a terrible disease that made him suffer for a very long time before death finally claimed him. It had been because of this that she had caught the attention of D'Hoffryn, Lord of all Vengeance Demons, and was turned into one herself.

 

After hearing her story and apology, I had forgiven Cecily for what she had done to me, because I saw no sense in blaming her for what she was forced to do. But when she suggested that we were to rekindle our love again, I declined. As much as I cared for Cecily, I knew I was no longer the same man who had been in love with her. I was different now, and my heart now belonged to someone else. I thought that she would be angry but again she surprised me by telling me ho much she actually understood me and that she would be happy for me just as long as I was happy.

 

We spent the remainder of the evening reminiscing both our human pasts and demonic achievements and I have to say that the sweet little girl I once knew was quite an amazing and creative demon, because aside from that little slip up at the Slayer's house last Sunday, she made quite a name for herself, not as great as Anyanka, but she still carried her own greatness. At the end of the evening we said our goodbyes, but not before she offered to give me a vengeance wish that would've taken the chip out of my head.

 

I had to pause then and really consider the gravity of her offer. I could be who I was again, kill who I wanted. No more pig's blood, no more living off scraps and playing poker for money to buy my fags, no more insignificant humans insulting me and calling me impotent, no more Dawn and Buffy... It had been the last two that really got me to say no. I knew that if I no longer had the chip Buffy would never let me touch her again, and Dawn--why she wouldn't be allowed to see me. I would lose two of the most precious people I have in my unlife if I had taken Cecily up on her offer. So I told her no, and thanked her for offering in the first place. She had been surprised at first but accepted my decision an respected it. She then kissed me on the cheek, bid me goodnight and promised to see me again before disappearing in a ball of smoke.

 

As I walked to my crypt I couldn't help but feel happy at tonight's outcome; which was the rekindling of my friendship with Cecily. Because even though I was no longer in love with her, I still cherished our friendship, more so now because she knew me as a man and knew the changes a demon brought to me. She could understand me on a level no other could, and such a thing was precious to a bloke like me. Tonight I gained a new confidante and it is one I shall treasure through out my entire existence, and I have the good doctor to thank for it.

 

She was the one who had pushed me to see Cecily and find out the entire truth of what had happened on the night of my death. She had told me that what I would learn tonight would either be extremely satisfying or enlightening and instead I got both. A smile slid to my face as I thought of what we would talk about in our next appointment.

 

The silly bint's probably gonna go all I-told-you-so on me the next time I meet up with her.

 

But I didn't think I would mind if such a thing did happen.

 

I then suddenly paused at my crypt's door as a wonderful smell assaulted my nose.

 

 _She's here!_ I thought excitedly. _This night just keeps getting better and better by the hour._

 

A smirk graced my lips as I opened my crypt's door and entered to search for my special guest. Using my vampire enhanced eye sight, I scanned the crypt for her and found her standing in the middle of the room with her back to me.

 

"I see you've finally decided to stop avoiding me, haven't you, pet?" I said as I slowly approached her. My tongue sliding on my teeth as I thought of what would be happening tonight.

 

I was but a few steps away from her when another scent hit me.

 

_Tears?_

 

"Buffy? Luv, are you crying?" I asked gently as my hand reached out to her shoulder and slowly turned her to face me. When she was turned to me, I saw the most heart breaking look in the face in the woman I love. "Bloody hell! What happened? Who did this to you, pet?"

 

"Are you leaving me now?" she suddenly asked looking at me with beaten and defeated eyes.

 

"Wha--who the hell gave you that idea?!" I demanded, wanting to know the wanker who hurt my Slayer.

 

"You..." was all she said, draining all my anger and replacing it with confusion. "I went to see you earlier while you were with Anya's demon friend. I saw you two together and I saw you smiling at her, giving her the look that I used to look at Angel, and I thought--I thought--" she couldn't finish her sentence as she cried even harder.

 

But she didn't have to, it didn't take a genius to figure out what she thought after seeing me with my old friend. It flattered me  no end that she would cry at the thought of losing me but at the same time I was crushed at the fact that she still didn't know me enough to know that I wouldn't ever leave like that. I had wanted  to berate her for even thinking such a thing, but I didn't because I knew that wasn't what my girl needed at the moment.

 

"Shhh, hush now, pet. No need for those tears, old Spike here would never leave you. I love you too much to let you go," I told her while taking her in my arms.

 

"B-b-but wa-what about that demon, Havek? You looked so happy when I saw you with her earlier." She looked up at me with such a broken expression.

 

"First, it's Halfrek, and yes I had been happy when we were talking earlier, but it wasn't like that the entire time. You only saw the near end of our encounter and you weren't there when I was threatening to kill her earlier in our talk," I told her, cupping her face with my right hand and wiping the tears that attempted to fall again from her eyes. "But, luv, even if I had been happy meeting with Ce-Halfrek the entire evening, I never would have gone with her and left your side, because, whether you believe it or not, I do love you and I am never the type to leave the woman I love. I'm here to stay, Buffy. You need to believe that."

 

She continued to stare into my eyes and in that moment I thought that I had finally got to her, that I had finally got her to believe that I love her.

 

The searing kiss she gave me afterwards though was unexpected, but definitely welcomed.

 

**(O.O)**

**Buffy**

 

I kissed him after that confession of his. Kissed him like my life depended on it. I wanted him to know that I was better, that I deserved his loyalty, that his decision to stay with me wasn't wasted. In that moment, I simply didn't care about the smaller details. Details about a soul, Dawn, Halfrek, or even me not actually loving him back, in that moment I didn't give a damn about all that. What had been important to me in that time was the fact that I wanted him to feel me as I wanted to feel him.

 

He began kissing me back with the same intensity. Rolling his tongue inside my mouth and sucking the air out of me, he was devouring me whole and I was letting him. His arm, that had been wrapped around me, slid lower towards my waist and brought me closer to him. Close enough that I was already feeling his steadily growing erection, and so I moved my hips and rubbed against the bulge in his pants eliciting a growl from him. The sound only encouraged me to continue with our coupling. I started removing my shirt, while my mouth continued its assault on his. He did the same thing and removed his own clothes. Once all articles of clothing were removed we continued our sexual dance.

 

We continued our kissing before I pushed him down on the cold crypt floor. I straddled his waist before pushing myself on him with no warning. He arched his back as my folds wrapped around him.

 

"Fuck, Buffy!" he screamed.

 

His hands went to my hips to steady me, but I grabbed them before they could and pinned them to the side of his head while my mouth went back to his, tasting every inch of him. I clenched my legs, feeling him swell inside of me.

 

"Bu-Buffy, move, pet," he begged as he tried to move beneath me.

 

I ignored his plea, while burying him deeper inside of me, and focused on my continued assault on his mouth before slowly moving to his jaw line down to his neck, then nipped my way towards his ear.

 

"Do you want me, Spike?" I asked, whispering on his ear.

 

"Yes--god,yes! Buffy!" he said loudly, nearly screaming the answer.

 

"Do you promise not to ever leave me?" I asked, biting his ear.

 

"Fuck! No--I mean, yes! Never, luv! Never gonna leave!"

 

"Good." I said before I slightly pulled myself out and buried him again.

 

In, out, in, out. I rode him in a steady but fast rhythm. He moved along with me, meeting my push with his thrust, and when we were close, I engulfed him deeper inside of me and arched my back as we came together. I shuddered as the last bit of my cum left me before I fell on top of him. We were breathing heavily, savoring the aftereffects of our orgasm. I suddenly felt him shift beneath me and I noticed that his left arm wrapped itself on my lithe frame, while the other moved to my head and began stroking my hair affectionately.

 

I knew that I should stop what he was doing, because he would again take it as me accepting his feelings, but I was too tired at the moment. I was tired of everything going on with my life and I just wanted one moment of peace and the feeling of being loved, even if that love wasn't really real for me. I wanted to be swallowed in that illusion for a moment before I get thrust back into reality of all things dark and evil and bad.

 

So I allowed us to lay there in each other's arms, naked and still covered with sweat and each other's fluids, until we fell asleep.

 

I woke up in the morning naked, lying on something soft and arms wrapped tightly around me. I looked around and found out that I was in some underground cave on a very soft bed and that the arms around me belonged to Spike. At first I was confused, not knowing where I was and how I got there nor did I understood why I was allowing such an intimate position between me and the vampire, but then the memories of the night before came rushing back as my mind started to wake, so I immediately wiggled out of his grasp, waking him up in the process.

 

"What's wrong, pet?" he asked, his voice still groggy from sleep.

 

"This was a mistake," I said out loud, "I shouldn't have let this happen."

 

"Great! Should've known last night was a fluke," he muttered to himself before sitting up to face me. "What happened to the girl who had been crying to me last night at the thought of me leaving her?"

 

"Again a mistake. A moment of weakness that will never happen again." I stood up from my bed and started looking around for my clothes.

 

"A mistake? Why would you say that?" he asked, standing up to approach me. "Last night was no mistake, luv. Last night was the first time since you came back that you had ever been honest with yourself. You were afraid of the thought of me leaving you because you needed me here and you wanted me here. That much was clear from last night, so why the bleeding hell would you say that it was a mistake?!"

 

"Because it is! I don't need you, Spike, and I don't want you! You're a soulless evil thing, with nothing good inside!" I screamed at him before continuing my search for my clothes.

 

"So we're back to that, huh? Me being a soulless, evil thing? Please, Slayer, sing me a new one because that one is getting old and an obvious lie. Last night was the proof that denies that statement!"

 

I was getting angry and frustrated because I knew he was never gonna let this one go. I hastened my search for my clothes because I really wanted to get out of there and away from him and his confusing and complicated reasoning and implications. When I had remembered that I had removed them upstairs, I walked towards the ladder leading to the upper part of his crypt. But then he grabbed my arm and stopped me from leaving.

 

"We can be good together, Buffy," he told me, "You just need to give us a chance. Give me a chance."

 

_God there he goes again, saying those things to me, making me even more confused! I really hate him for making me feel this way!_

 

"No, Spike," I told him, taking back my arm away from him. "We'll never be good together. You'll never be good for me, because you're not good, you're an evil vampire, for Christ sake! You're always forgetting this fact and have been fooling yourself into thinking that you can amount _us_ to anything good! I'm sick of you and Dawn always thinking that a soulless vampire can be a good person, because they can't! The mere thought of that is just wrong and impossible!"

 

"Impossible? You're looking at impossible, pet! I've been trying so hard here, doing good by you, fighting the good fight, protecting your friends and your sister while you were gone! How can you still deny the possibility of a vampire changing its nature for you when I'm standing right here in front of you!"

 

"I'm not denying, Spike, I'm stating facts! All the things you've been doing? All those so called good deeds you've done, you only did it for your own selfish reasons! You only did it to make me like you! And as for protecting my friends and sister? Well, you sure did quite a good job at that considering some of them still got hurt under your so called protection over the summer, and Dawn? You say you've been protecting her? How is it protecting when you're the one who's endangering her in the first place!"

 

"What the sodding hell are you on about? What do you mean that I'm endangering the Bit?"

 

"What I mean is that I know that you let my sister visit you here yesterday morning and most probably been letting come to your crypt anytime she wants!" The surprise and guilty look on his face was enough to prove to me the truth of my accusations and assumptions of what my sister and this vampire were doing behind my back. It made me even more angry at him for deceiving me all this time "Do you have any idea how dangerous that is? How many demons can get to her because of what you two have been doing?" He looked like he was about to answer but I didn't let him. "Do you have any idea what the consequences of you're recklessness can do to her? Of course you don't! God! And you expect me to believe that I can trust you with my heart when I can barely trust you to keep my sister safe!"

 

"How can you say that to me after all I've done for Dawn?!" he yelled at me.

 

"You've done nothing for her but endangering her by letting her hang out with you!" I screamed as I answered him. This seemed to finally get him to shut up. He glared at me with an intensity that I had not seen since that time I had threatened Drusilla. It should've frightened me or at least made me take a step back, but I didn't, because if I backed down now I'd never be able to say what I wanted to say next. So I strengthened my resolve and stood straighter to look more dignified and serious, despite my naked appearance, and told Spike what I told Dawn last night. "So that's why I've decided to ban Dawn from seeing you."

 

"What?!"

 

"I said I'm banning Dawn from seeing you," I repeated. "And unless I ask you to, you're not allowed to see her either."

 

"Bloody hell, you can't do that!"

 

"Yes, I can, Spike, because she's my sister and it's my responsibility to raise her. So if I decide that I don't want her hanging out with you, then you two are no longer allowed to hang out with each other."

 

"Slayer, you know that I care about the Bit and she's like family to me, she also sees me as her friend, so why the bloody hell would you do that to us?!" I asked. "If this is because you are angry at me for making a big deal out of last night, then I am sorry. I won't mention it again, but don't take this out on my relationship with Dawn!"

 

"This has nothing to do about what happened between us last night, because I was serious when I said that what happened was a mistake. But the reason for banning you and Dawn from seeing each other is that I want my baby sister to have, as much as possible, a safe and normal life and she can't have that having a vampire for a friend..." I explained to him. "I'm sorry, Spike, but you can't be a part of Dawn's life anymore."

 

I turned away from him to avoid seeing whatever expression appear on his oddly expressive human face, and slowly walked to the ladder. I paused for a moment and waited for whatever excuse he'd come up with next. But when none came, I climbed up the ladder to the upper levels of the crypt, searched for my clothes, got dressed and left without so much as a goodbye to the vampire below.

 

**TBC**

 

**(O.O)**

 

 


	4. 3rd Session

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after "Dead Things".
> 
> Dawn finds Spike right after Buffy beats him up in the alley. The younger Summers woman nurses him back to health but then tells Spike that needs more help than just getting his physical injuries healed, and so she forces him to see a demon psychiatrist for his problems.
> 
> Read and find out how Dr. Miranda Grey helps our favorite vampire deal with his countless issues, and how her help can also help Spike get through to the Love of His Unlife, and possibly get the girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and I hope to read reviews and opinions of what you think so far of this fic. Thanks again. See you in the next one!!! Bye for now!

 

**(O.O)**

**Dr. Grey**

 

Friday had finally come and it was time again for me to meet up with my favorite client, Spike. Too bad I was running a bit late. I looked at my watch for the time.

 

 

10:35 pm

 

 

_Shit!_

I drove even faster most probably breaking the speed limit, which is stupid since this is a small town and I could hit someone on the small street.

 

 

Anyway, you must be wondering why I was currently running late. Well, it is because I had been with another client a few moments earlier. He had asked me this morning to have his appointment done in his home dimension and I had agreed to it because I saw nothing wrong with it and had always been okay with taking house calls especially if my client couldn't come into one of our sessions. I had used my special door, that had the magical ability to teleport me to anywhere I like, and had gone to visit him. Everything had been alright at first, my session with the client went smoothly right until the end when I had to leave. Apparently, my client had failed to mention to me the time difference in his home dimension. It had seemed that time in his world moved more slower than in my dimension, meaning that an hour in his world was six hours in mine. It had been at that moment that I had realized that I had been missing for more than twelve hours. So I hurriedly left his world to find that twelve hours had indeed passed by and that I had missed the appointments of seven clients in the span of time I had been in his world, and was about to miss my meeting with my current favorite client, Spike.

 

 

As I was driving to the clinic, I looked at my watch yet again to check the time.

 

 

10:37 pm

 

 _Dammit! I really hope he doesn't decide to leave._ I prayed as I drove even faster.

 

 

When I got there, I haphazardly parked my car.

 

 

_No one will give me a ticket this late at night._

 

And dashed inside. The clinic's lights were still on, signifying that a few of its employees and doctors were still around.

 

 

What, you didn't actually think I was the only doctor around now, did you? Of course not! It'd be impractical.

 

 

There are actually three active psychiatrists in the clinic. But I am the only one of the three that's human, the other two were of different race and species. But I am not gonna discuss them now because as I said I am running late!

 

 

"Good evening, Dr. Grey," my receptionist Agatha, who happened to be a forest elf, greeted me.

 

 

"Good evening, Aga," I replied as I approached her desk.

 

 

"I'm so glad you were able to join us this evening," she said as she handed me Spike's file. "I rescheduled most of your appointments that you missed today."

 

 

"Of course, I would come. I happen to really like this vampire," I told her as I examined the file she gave me.

 

 

\--

 

 

Client no. 2091

Name: _William James Pratt aka William the Bloody or Spike_

Species: _Undead_

Class: _Vampire_

 

\--

 

 

Session 3

Duration: 2 hours and 30 minutes.

\--

 

 

I closed the folder and looked back at my receptionist. "As for rescheduling my clients' appointments--thank you. It is very much appreciated. Is he still inside?" I asked, sounding a bit hopeful.

 

 

"Yes, doctor. He came in really early and even though, I told him that you might not show up, he didn't care. He simply asked to wait in your office."

 

 

I smiled at my receptionist as she relayed my client's story. Not one week ago, he had been reluctant and almost didn't come into my session, now he's willing to wait for me just to have one. It's quite an improvement in his view of me and what I do, if I do say so myself. But of course I knew deep down that his eagerness to see me wasn't really a good sign, in fact I get the feeling that it is of the bad variety, and that something must've happened to him within the course of the week and now he was really eager to unload that story.

 

 

I entered my office and found Spike opening the drawers of my desk as if he was looking for something.

 

 

"I usually keep my liquors in the secret compartment in one of those sofas," I pointed to the sofas in the corner of my office with a smirk on my face.

 

 

"What makes you think I was looking for your secret stash? What if I was just being a snoop and wanted to see the kind of person you are?" He raised his scarred brow questioningly.

 

 

I gave him wry smile before I answered. "Because if you had only wanted to know the kind of person I was through my things, you would've checked the smaller drawers in my desk first, not the cabinet in the corner." I looked pointedly at the cabinet beside my desk that had been left slightly ajar.

 

 

"Fair point. But you can't blame me for looking around for it, considering I've been here for nearly two hours waiting for you to get here. A bloke like me just can't last that long without his drink."

 

 

"If you put it that way, perhaps I should schedule you for a demon version of an AA meeting too."

 

 

"That won't be necessary,pet. Because first, I ain't an addict. I just like to drink when I am upset. And secondly, vampire here, I can drink all the liquor in a bar and would still be sober enough to get home to my crypt. Fast metabolism and all that rot."

 

 

"Remind me then to introduce you to a friend of mine, Dionysus, who happens to be the god of Wine. I'm sure the two of you can be real good drinking buddies," I told him dryly as I approached my desk and dropped my things there.

 

 

"You know the Greek god of Wine?!" he asked as he took a few steps away from my table, shock evident in his face.

 

 

"I know a lot of Greek gods. Most of which have severe emotional problems," I answered in amusement at his surprised expression, before taking out my pen and notepad.

 

 

"Huh, you sure get around a lot, don't ya doc?"

 

 

I merely smiled before gesturing at out seats. "How about we finish this discussion at a later time, and start tonight's session. I believe we are running a bit late on that one."

 

 

"Not that I'm to blame for that. I did come here early," he told me, giving me a pointed look while he walked to his usual chair.

 

 

I felt chastised by it, and apologized for my tardiness. "I'm sorry about that. I was doing a house call for a client who failed to tell me the time speed difference of his world to ours," I explained, settling into my seat.

 

 

"You do house calls too? And in different dimensions at that! You really do get around a lot," he stated before shrugging. "Well, don't matter really how late you are just as long as I don't get to pay for your tardiness, everything's fine by me."

 

 

"Don't worry. Your session's duration doesn't change. We still are set for two hours and thirty minutes. We'll just be ending a bit later than usual," I informed him, at which he just shrugged and settled more comfortably in his chair. "Alright, shall we begin?"

 

 

"You're the doctor here, doc. You decide when we start, or how we start for the matter."

 

 

I smiled at him.

 

 

_Callous as always._

 

 

"Very well. How about we begin by you telling me why you came here early."

 

 

"You want to know why I came here early? How is that relevant for this session? I mean, I thought we would be discussing about my issues with Cecily."

 

 

"Spike, by the way you said her name and how contrasting it is to how hateful you said it before in our last session, I can tell that whatever issues you had with her were already resolved, and all I have to do is point them out. But before I do that, I want to know what happened that had you coming here an hour or more earlier than usual."

 

 

He clenched his fists and his body suddenly tensed, his lips thinned as he glared at me. It made me realized that I had been right in my earlier assumptions of him coming here was because something bad happened to him this week. But I choose to ignore his reaction and I waited patiently for his answer. It didn't take him long to realize that what he was doing wasn't affecting me in the slightest, so he let out a heavy sigh.

 

 

"You know, it's really annoying how you seem to know what I am thinking or that something's bothering me for the matter," he said, "Are you sure you're a hundred percent human and not some mind reader?"

 

 

I laughed at that. "Yes, I am positive I am human with no special powers. I'm just really good at reading people," I told him before looking more serious, urging him to answer my question.

 

 

But instead of answering, he stated the next words with a smile, "Trained yourself for it, didn't you? You might've made a good spy or somethin'."

 

 

"I don't know about being a spy, but yes, most of what I do I learned from school, though the rest I got through experience."

 

 

"Good for you then. What I learned from school is used to translate old texts, though I highly doubt that's anything special compared to what you do. I mean, even though what I do is used to find out how to kill particular demons and such but hey, it's not really that great of a skill, if you ask me--"

 

 

"Spike," I called his name to stop him. "You're babbling and clearly avoiding the subject." I tilted my head to the side and my gaze softened as I watched him shift uncomfortably in his seat. "Spike, we talked about this already. You need to trus-"

 

 

"Buffy has banned Dawn and me from seeing each other." he said in a rush that I almost missed his words.

 

 

I was shocked.

 

 

_Okay, that is not the truth that I was expecting._

 

 

"Wa-what happened? I mean, how did this happened?"

 

 

He sighed deeply, again, and his eyes began to moisten with unshed tears as he stared into my dark brown ones. At that moment, my heart once again broke for him especially as he told me his story.

 

 

"I-I don't know what happened. The night before she had been crying to me about not wanting me to leave her alone, so I had promised her that I would never leave her side. Then we had sex and afterwards we cuddled, which is a first for us. But then the next day she started telling me that what happened the night before had been a mistake, and when I argued with her, she started calling me a soulless evil thing again, even told me that I had nothing good inside of me and that what I did for her and her friends was for nothing because I did everything for selfish  reasons. Then she started spouting stuff about how I still got her friends hurt while I protected them and that I was reckless with Dawn's safety. Apparently she found out that Dawn came to my crypt last Tuesday morning to talk about what happened in our previous session. I told the Bit what you told me, that I needed to talk to Cecily and whatnot. The silly bint was actually on Imy side, telling me not to seek out my old friend. We had a few conversations about useless things before she left for school." He chuckled but it sounded forced and hollow. He eyes looked away from mine and they settled on his fisted hands on his knees. "Anyway, the Slayer found out that she was sneaking in to my crypt to see me and kind of blamed me for it, 'said I was endangering her by letting her visit me. 'S why she told me I was no good for Dawn, why I was no longer allowed to see her." Tears were falling from his eyes now. "I-I don't get it. Ha-how can she be so cruel? Never, never had I endangered the Bit-- Okay, there was that time with her mom's resurrection spell, but that's it!" He looked up at me and this time anger reflected in his blue orbs. "After Glory, Dawn became my first priority. I always put her safety first. Sure, she was visiting me in my crypt all by herself, but she always did it when the sun was up, so no vamp would attack her. I also made sure that every demon knew that the Bit was off limits so none of the local resident demons would try to harm her. I protected Dawn, and I continue to protect her, even now. What the bloody hell gave her the idea that I was a danger to her?! I mean, I know I m a vampire, a monster and a former killer, I never hid what I was from them nor what I did, and it's true that I reminded them of that countless times, but she should've at least known that after all these years I have been with her and her group, that I was never the type to hurt those I care about nor did I want to be the reason that they got hurt. Plus, I definitely care about Dawn! I love her like the sister I never had. So why can't the bloody bitch see that?"

 

 

Hurt. Resentment. Betrayal. Anger.

 

 

He had too many negative emotions rolling off him at this moment that was caused by this woman, and I knew more will come because I need to open this very current memory of his in order to find out what was really wrong with him.

 

 

"I don't know, Spike. I don't know the answer to any of your questions, because I don't know this Buffy well enough to give you an answer to them. But--"

 

 

"You want to know about Buffy?" He cuts me off. "She’s a cruel and manipulative bitch with a martyr-complex and serious abandonment issues. She clings to her friends like they're her bloody lifeline but she never notices how much they're actually holding her back from being happy because she cares too much about their bloody opinions to actually think for herself. She claims to want a normal life but she's too fucking noble to abandon her duties as a Slayer. She misses Heaven but she wouldn't end her life to go back there because she knows her sister and friends still need her. She's too bloody selfless; always putting other's needs before her own, and is too damn forgiving! She never held her friends' mistakes against them but they always wave in her face the mistake she made when she fell for that wanker Angel! She should know by now that that bastard was the one at fault! She was a bloody child at the time, a fucking innocent, and he used her, hurt her and fucking left her when everything was going too tough for him! She still blames herself for Angel leaving. Bloody hell, she blames herself for every man that left her life, when in truth they were all worthless gits to abandon her in the first place! Now, she's shut herself off from those she loves and finds comfort in the arms of a dead man, but she never lets that man get any closer to her for the fear of once again making the same mistakes as she had before--" He pauses, realization itched itself in his face. "That's it, isn't it?" he asked me, but he didn't wait for me to answer because he immediately continued. "That's why she's keeping me away. It's why she's trying so hard not to let me in, when it's obvious that all I want to do is to love her and protect her and those she loves. She's afraid that I'll end up like sodding Angel! Betray her and kill off everyone of her friends the first chance I get when I get this chip out off my head! Bloody hell!"

 

 

He suddenly stood up and roared as his face changed releasing his demon. He started pacing back and forth inside my office, talking to himself about being a monster and belonging in the dark and not being good enough for the girl. He ranted about how Angel always got things first and how he was always the one who picked up the broken pieces that were left behind, then he started listing disturbing ways to torture the being known as Angel.

 

 

While he continued his pacing and ranting, I simply sat in my seat and watched him and listened avidly to his rant and discreetly wrote down the details about Angel that I believed were important and that concerned Spike. Apparently, my assumption was right and that this Angel fellow was indeed the ensoulled version of Angelus, his Sire's Sire, and one of the vampires in his family that I had planned to be among the central topic of the evening. He's the vampire that I believed is the main source and reason behind most of Spike's issues and problems with himself. And from the information I had gathered about my client and his family and how they treated each other, combined with the information I got out of his ranting, I was able to positively conclude that he was indeed suffering from severe issues of Co-dependency that had been developing since that night of his turning.

 

 

In that moment I tried remembering my school days and what I read about a co-dependent person.

 

 

**_Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity._ **

 

 

_Low self-esteem? If you look beyond the arrogance and false bravado, check. Drugs, alcohol intake and nicotine usage? Not sure about drugs but by the smell cigarettes and vodka coming off him, that's another check. Workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity? Well not sure about Spike being a workaholic and a gambler but indiscriminate sexual activity definitely gains him another check._

I remembered the other stuff pertaining co-dependency in my head, and noted exactly how correct my diagnosis was.

 

 

**_They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need; often covering for their faults or accepting their abuse with thoughts that they are helping the individual heal._ **

****

****

The memory of how he dismissed his current lover's abuse towards him, making it seem that what the Slayer did to him in the alley was nothing and being willing to go through with his relationship with her, despite the incident happening, had brought to mind  these words.

 

 

**_The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent  develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it._ **

****

****

From the memory of what I had studied of co-dependency, I realized exactly what I needed to do to help Spike. It made my job easier now that I knew where to focus my efforts in helping him. Now, if only I can convince him to follow my lead for the treatment and actually accept my diagnosis, then things would be even more simple.

 

 

**(O.O)**

**Spike**

 

 

"That wanker Angel! He always made my unlife miserable and even when he's no longer there, he's still fucking with me! First with Dru, now with Buffy! I'm always compared to him and I can never win against him! I'll always be his second, always caught in his fucking shadow! Damn him! Damn him to all the nine circles of hell!" I screamed, and then finally stopped pacing and my face reverted back to its human visage as a strong sense of defeat suddenly washed over me.

 

 

It's pointless, this pursuit of mine. I realized at that moment. Buffy will always view me as a monster 'cause that's what she'll always see 'cause Angel couldn't fucking love her without a soul.

 

 

_Why? Why? Why?!_

 

 

"Why what, Spike?" a voice penetrated my thoughts, bringing my mind back into the shrink's office and making me realize that I had said that last part out loud.

 

 

I turned around to see Dr. Grey looking at me with those ever kind and understanding eyes, and it broke my heart looking at them.

_Why can't "she" ever look at me that way?_

 

"I asked you a question, Spike. Earlier you were asking _'why'_ , what did you mean by that? Why what, Spike?" she repeated, her gaze steady and unwavering looking straight in to my eyes.

 

 

I didn't want to answer her because I thought that the answer I would give her was private and too personal. But a part of me believed that if I did tell her about it there's a huge chance I could get the answer to my own questions.

 

 

I took a deep, unnecessary and steady breath then answered her question.

 

 

"Tell me, doc, why do I always fall for Angelus' throwaways? Why can't I just love a girl who loves me back instead of getting stuck in a relationship with women who are still hung up on fucking-Angel?! I mean, what the hell is wrong with me?!" I turned away from the doctor and started pacing again. "And I don't mean to sound like a brag but I'm a good looking bloke, I got a body to die for and a killer accent that would make both men and women wet themselves in their pants, and yet I can't find someone that would interest me enough to pursue them! I know that I could get anyone I like. I can even make them fall in love with me. And yet I still end up falling in love with someone who's heart still belongs to Angel!" I stopped again and turned back to look at Dr. Grey. "So tell me, doc. Please. Tell me why I am like this."

 

 

I stared in to her eyes and waited for her to answer. She gave me a contemplative look and shifted in her seat, sitting up straighter, before she opened her mouth.

 

 

"Spike," she started, "You ask me why you always fall in love with women that came from Angel, but there's just no easy way to answer that question that wouldn't either hurt you or make you angry. So I'm gonna answer that question in a roundabout fashion by asking you a question. "

 

 

I was confused about what she just said at first and then I became angry.

 

 

_What the hell do you mean that you'll answer my question with another question? I was asking you the question in the first place because I couldn't answer it, now you want me to answer another one?!_

 

For the first time since I started this therapy stuff, I had really wanted to sock the stupid doctor, and if it weren't for the chip, I really would've done it. So I went to the next big thing to hurt this woman. I started to open my mouth to insult the living hell out of the irritating doctor, only I didn't get a chance to because she continued.

 

 

"Why do want to be like Angel so much?" she suddenly asked.

 

 

I was startled and practically paused with my mouth hanging open. Once the question finally sunk in, an indignant rage overtook me.

 

 

"I'm not trying to be like bloody Angel!" I yelled at her. I was about to say more when she followed up with another question.

 

 

"Then why would you say that you love women who came from him? I mean you said so yourself that you can get any other kind of woman, or man at that, to fall in love with you if you so wanted, and yet why did you still choose to love this Drusilla or this Buffy?"

 

 

I paused, yet again, and contemplated her questions. I know for a fact that I am not doing anything to be like Angel, bloody hell, I want to be anything but like the bastard. So then why would I want his women?

 

 

"I don't want them because of Angel," I started to say, "Hell, I don't love them because I am trying to take away Angelus' women as he told me many times in the past. If I was doing that, then I would've fallen for Darla too." Realization finally sank in.

 

 

 _Damn, this reverse psychology crap actually does work._ I thought as I realized that she was simply using that method on me to help get to the conclusion that Angel had nothing to do with me falling in love with Buffy and Dru, hence the answering my question with another question.

 

 

"In other words you don't love them because they once belonged to Angel, that's just circumstantial, but it does open the question on why you love these women in the first place."

 

 

I snorted. "Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment," I told her.

 

 

"And are you? A glutton for punishment?"

 

 

"No!" I answered loudly, before lowering my voice to say the next words with a hint of uncertainty. "At least I don't think so."

 

 

She gave me a satisfied smile. "You're right, Spike. You're not a glutton for punishment, although I am sure you enjoy your fair share of dominance games, but you don't enjoy getting hurt."

 

 

I let out a small smile when she spoke of such sex games, but it disappeared just as soon as I heard her next words.

 

 

She was right, yet again. I don't like getting hurt. Even though I kept telling Dru and Buffy that I didn't mind a little pain in my relationship with them, it didn't mean I enjoyed feeling hurt with the way they rejected and always compared me to my bastard of a Grandsire. It's just that I really wanted to make us work that I allowed them to break my heart as many times as they please just so we could stay together.

 

 

_Yeah, and look where that's gotten you now? In a room with a shrink that you're paying to keep you from accidentally offing yourself._

 

 

When Dru's affair with that chaos demon happened, I'd had had enough of having my heart broken by her. And so I left her, but I knew that deep down I still loved her. A new wave of pain overtook me.

 

 

_Is that what would happen to Buffy and me? Am I doomed to suffer the same fate with her as my relationship with Dru?_

 

 

A sudden feeling of dread took over me.

 

 

I didn't want that. God, I didn't want that. I didn't think I could survive if such a thing happened.

 

 

"How about you tell me why you love Drusilla and Buffy in the first place, Spike, before you jump to those kinds of conclusions?"

 

 

I look back at her, teary eyed and surprised that she was able to read my negative thoughts and absorbed her question before answering.

 

 

"Well, for Dru, it's because she's my Sire, my sweet plum and dark princess. She was my world and, when Angelus and Darla left, in her own insane little way, I had been hers. We only had each other and that had been the best years of my unlife. I had a sense of purpose, a mission to take care of Dru and to love her and be anything she wanted me to be."

 

 

"So you loved her first out of gratitude and obligation, and then when you were left alone with her, you loved the way it felt to have someone to take care of. You loved the sense of completion she gave you when you were able to either make her happy or contented with living with you, which are feelings you believed she never felt while she had been with Angelus. It had been rewarding for you when you felt needed."

 

 

_Well, if she put it like that, it does sound that I never really loved Dru at all._

 

 

"But I also love her long hair, her beauty and grace, and sometimes I find her childish behaviors endearing," I told her.

 

 

But I knew it was a sad attempt to disprove her previous words but I had to try. Otherwise, I'd be forced to deal with the reality that I wasted a century of my unlife on maintaining a relationship with a woman that I subconsciously loved out obligation and pity.

 

 

"I'm sure you did, Spike. But I know you know that those details about Drusilla are not what made you stay with her all those years," she said with a sad smile.

 

 

_Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!_

 

"Don't get angry or blame yourself, Spike," she stated.

 

 

"What do you mean _'don't get angry or blame myself'_?! Of course I'd be angry and blame myself for it! I'm the one who wasted all these years doing all those degrading, infuriating, insulting things for a woman, who didn't bloody love me, for nothing because I didn't even love her either!" Hot tears started falling from my eyes again, this time they were from anger and hurt and regret for all those wasted years. "I've always lived up to her every expectation and did every insane whim of hers. I-I accepted her insults and sexual tortures just to please her. I've changed my entire image, created Spike, just for her, just so she would accept me; accept the monster I was so she'd stop comparing me to bloody Angel. And-and now--I-I"

 

 

I couldn't finish. I had been too overwhelmed with pain. Mourning for all those years that I've lost and all those opportunities that I'd missed. I don't know how long I just stood there and cried my bleeding eyes out like a bloody ponce in front of the good doctor nor did I care, because for once, since I became a vampire, I finally let go of the big bad image and simply reverted to the silly little romantic and sensitive poet I had once been, and just wept.

 

 

I was still crying when I suddenly felt the doctor's arms wrapped around me. She lay my head  on her shoulder and rubbed my back while comforting me with words that told me that it was alright to cry and that everything would be alright for me in the end.

 

 

And for some reasons, despite how odd I found it, I was comforted by her words and actually believed in what she just said.

 

 

 

**TBC**

 

 

**(O.O)**

 


	5. Everyone's Views Outside of Therapy part 2-1

**(O.O)**

**Buffy**

 

 

I just got home from work when Giles called to inform me that the demon he had mentioned nearly a week ago was gonna do its dimension eating ritual at midnight tonight.

 

Which was great because not only was I gonna be smelling like overused cooking oil because I hadn't had time to shower before I left the house but now I was also gonna be running around town looking for this stupid demon too! Just perfect!

 

_God, I hate my life!_

I sighed as I entered the Magic Box to tell the gang about Giles' phone call and also to ask if they found anything regarding the demon. Sadly the only thing my friends were able to find out about this beast was its name, which was something I could barely pronounce, and what kind of ritual it was gonna do, which was  a name I didn't think I could say, that would result in this dimension's destruction but aside from that they got zilch.

 

"What about Spike?" Anya, Xander's fiance, suddenly said out loud. We all looked at her and stared at the former demon. "What I mean is what about Spike, maybe he knows where this demon is or at least has an idea where you can start looking for it."

 

"Great idea, honey! I bet deadboy knows something about this world-ending-demon," Xander said agreeing with his girlfriend. "Why haven't we thought of asking him in the first place?"

 

_Because some of us, namely me, have been trying to forget about him because of the last encounter I had with him._

 

Of course, instead of forgetting I started remembering the last time I saw Spike and what I did and said to him, and guilt once again went into my heart at how I had treated him.

 

I came to him that night because my insecurities got the better of me. Seeing Spike with another woman, who had made him smile the way she did, hurt me more than I could admit. It had been that moment that had proven to me that I did care for the vampire and I was very afraid of the thought of losing him. So I came to his crypt and waited, or more specifically hoped, for him to show, and he didn't disappoint, as usual. He came home and started off with some leering remark, that I no longer really remember, only to stop upon realizing that I was crying. He then comforted me and even promised never to leave my side, to which I replied with the only way I thought I could, to show how grateful I was of what he did and that was through sex.

 

I had sex with him and that wasn't so unusual, because I did that a lot lately since my return. The only thing that set that night different from the others was that I stuck around and had let him hold me.  It was--nice. I could at least admit to that. I liked the feel of his arms wrapped around me, it made me safe and at peace. It even, for a short moment, reminded me of heaven.

 

_Which is wigsome because-hello, vampire! Child of evil and such. I'm not supposed to feel at peace with him. He's evil and unclean and all those adjectives that I would associate with badness._

 

But that night--I didn't want to see such things. I pretended that he wasn't a soulless thing and let him just "love" me. I let whatever false emotion he was feeling for me shine through a simple embrace and I liked it. I was at peace with it.

 

But it was wrong. Letting evil touch me and enjoying it made me wrong, and I didn't want that. God, how I don't want that. I want to be good and I let Spike make me feel such emotions from him. And again, it was wrong! It's not supposed to be like that. I'm not suppose to enjoy being loved by evil things.

 

I remember all of this the next day. I told him it was a mistake but he wouldn't let it go, and as usual, he acted like the same annoying Spike that I knew and pestered me to be with him again, to give _"US"_ a chance, to accept the darkness that was him, but I can't. I couldn't. I shouldn't. But he wouldn't understand that. So I ended up yelling at him, and telling him stuff that I didn't mean, like him failing to protect my friends while I wasn't there and not being good for Dawn. I ended up telling him cruel things, things that even I know would've hurt. Then I added salt to the wound by telling him he was no longer allowed to see Dawn.

 

I knew for a fact that if there was one thing that I believed that Spike genuinely cared for,  it was my sister. I knew he'd never let anything happen to her, and he'd proven that more times during the Glory debacle and even more over the summer I was gone. But I had been serious that I wanted Dawn to have a normal life, one that I never got the chance to have and one that didn't involved Slaying and vampires, and she couldn't have that with him around, he'd be the constant reminder of the things that went bump in the night. It was bad enough that she lived with a Slayer who went home with blood or demon goo in her shirt, she didn't need to have a vampire who always regaled about his evilness. So that's why I wanted to stop them from seeing each other. But instead of properly explaining this reason to the two of them, I ended up being a cold hearted bitch to my sister and slamming into Spike's face the lies of how terrible he was with Dawn.

 

I know I had hurt them both and it was obvious by how the two of them avoided me. Dawn wasn't talking to me and wouldn't even stay within the same room with me unless she had to, and Spike? Well, I haven't seen him since I left the crypt that morning. He hasn't even tried stalking me or joining me during patrols, and I knew it was because of what I did. I could've gone and apologized to him and explained  myself better but I didn't because I wasn't sure how to do that.

 

"Buffy? Are you okay?" Willow's voice penetrated through my thoughts.

 

"Huh? I mean-why wouldn't I be?" I asked trying to act as though I was alright, so I wouldn't worry them, and it was taking a lot out of me just to act that way.

 

_God, even being a good friend was so tiresome. I really am sick._

"Um, well you were kinda being all distract-o girl a few moments ago," she pointed out. "Are you okay?"

 

_Damn, so much for not worrying them. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered._

 

"Uh, yeah. I was just thinking how I really wanted to take a shower since I stink of fast food," I said dumbly with a smile.

 

_That's right, Buffy, deflect those questions. We don't want them to know about your forbidden trysts with a certain vampire._

 

"Oh, okay. Well, anyway, we all think that we should try and ask Spike about this demon," Willow said, with a bit of uncertainty in her voice.

 

"Or you know, get him to help locate it?" Anya added.

 

I nodded. "Yeah, good idea," I answered them.

 

I then heard a loud snort from behind me making me turn around and noticed the arrival of my little sister at the shop with Tara, who standing behind her with a worried look on her face.

 

"You hypocrites!" she told us. "Sure, he's a bad influence alright. He's evil and soulless and all that and yet the first sign of a big bad you all turn to him for help."

 

"Hey, Dawnster!" Xander greeted and tried to ignore her previous words, but Dawn would have none of that.

 

"Shut up, Xander. You're the biggest hypocrite of all. You're the one who always insults Spike and puts him down when he's around but when your big butt needed saving over the summer Spike always helped you."

 

"Hey, I don't always insult dead boy-err I mean--Spike." He looked ashamed for a moment because of the little slip of tongue. "Okay I do insult him, but only because the guy deserves it."

 

"Exactly when did he deserve to always be insulted by you? For the matter when does anyone deserve to always be insulted, Xander?"

 

"He deserves it because he's evil, Dawn."

 

"He WAS evil, Xander, but now the only evil thing he can do is either insult you in return, but even that couldn't be considered evil enough. So how can you tell or judge someone and declare them to be evil, huh?" She crossed her arms and glared at my friend.

 

"Well, besides for the fact he tried to kill us a few years ago, he also killed a lot of people before. So I'm thinking I am a pretty good judge of when someone's evil."

 

"Wow. That's fascinating, Xander. So what exactly does that make the woman you are gonna marry now? She's killed more people than Spike, considering she's hundreds of years older than him."

 

"Anya's different. She's human now and--"

 

"And still unrepentant to all of the evil deeds she committed. In fact if you asked her at this moment she'd even tell you that she actually enjoyed most of her vengeance wishes she fulfilled." Her gaze then came to Anya. "Right, Anya?"

 

"Well, not most of them, but yes, I do feel proud of a lot of wishes I have fulfilled." The ex-demon smiled happily. "My most favorite was a tie between putting a man's testicles on his chin and feeding him his own penis, the other was a-"

 

"Thanks, Anya. But I think you should save the story telling later for Xander."

 

"Alright and you are welcome."

 

"See what I mean? You're marrying someone who was once evil, yet you have the audacity to judge Spike and call him a heartless killer, when your fiance has killed more people than him and doesn't even feel bad about it."

 

Xander fell silent after that and simply squirmed under her glare. She huffed when she saw that none of us was gonna argue with her any more. She gave one final glare to my friends and directed a disappointed look at me before she headed towards the basement door where Anya told her to do inventory.

 

Once Dawn left the room with a loud slam of the basement's door, Willow was the one who broke the silence.

 

"I guess Dawnie is still angry at being forbidden to see Spike, huh?" she said with a small smile.

 

"You could say that," I told her, my eyes never leaving the room. The look that Dawn gave me still replayed in my head.

 

"Buffy, you really shouldn't make too much of a big deal to what Dawn said. She's just a kid after all," Xander told me, "She doesn't know what she's saying."

 

What he just said stirred a deep seated anger that was in my heart.

_Who was he to call my sister a kid and imply that she didn't know what she was saying. Wasn't he listening earlier? Dawn's logic was so sound and her point was well said. Xander was marrying an ex-demon who doesn't feel sorry about what she'd done and was once evil. So who was he to judge people and call them evil too? He really was indeed a hypocrite._

 

"Is that what you tell yourself when you go to bed with an ex-demon, Xander? Or when she doesn't feel sorry for all the people she's hurt or all the blood she's spilled?" I snapped at him, shifting my gaze towards my friend. He looked surprised at what I just said then hurt. "You really are a hypocrite," I finished.

 

He must not have expected me to take Dawn's side for his expression turned indignant.

 

"Hey, pot-Buffy stop calling the kettle black. Remember once upon a time  you were the one who consorted with an ex-evil mass murdering vampire? At least Anya wouldn't go back to being a killer after I've slept with her," he snapped back. And this time I was the one who was surprised and hurt at what he said.

 

_Guess he hasn't forgiven me  for what happened between Angel and I as he always said he did._

Then I became a bit alarmed since at the moment I was currently sleeping with another ex-evil mass murdering vampire.

 

_God, I really am messed up. I'm a big hypocrite and also someone who doesn't learn from her previous mistakes._

 

"You're right, Xander," I said, feeling tired all of a sudden. "I guess I should've said that all of us really are hypocrites." I directed him with a disappointed look, the same one Dawn directed at me before she left, that then changed into a sad expression. "But I don't have time to change that, because of this looming apocalypse that I have to stop all by myself and all the other stuff I've got piled up for me to do since I was brought back. Since YOU ALL brought me back. So I'll go now, ask for the ex-evil mass murdering vampire's help and be a hypocrite, as Dawn said I was, and stop this apocalypse like the good little slayer you all want me to be, because that's the only thing I am apparently good at."

 

I left the shop after that, not really caring about Xander's reaction to what I said, and headed out to the only place I knew where someone, who wouldn't judge me or expect stuff from me, would be. Because at least with him I didn't have to worry so much about being a none caring hypocratic bitch because he'd accept whatever I'd throw at him and he'd still "love" me for it no matter what.

 

As walked to Spike's crypt it never occurred to me that the vampire might not want me there or whether or not he might still be angry at me for what I did during our last encounter. I just didn't care enough for any of that because I just wanted to be with Spike, the only one who could give that moment of peace, that was strangely similar to heaven, and allowed me to simply be myself.

 

_His "love" may not be real but at least he doesn't make me feel like a shit for a human being._

**(O.O)**

**Xander**

 

 

_Okay I'll admit, I may have been a bit of an ass a few moments ago, when I slammed in Buffy's face her epic failure of a relationship with Angel, but what was I supposed to do in that situation?_

Her sister had just pointed out to me something I hadn't want to think about regarding my fiance and, not a few moments after that, she repeated her own version of Dawn's words. So I just kinda lost my temper and got pushed to say such harsh things to her.

 

I know it doesn't excuse what I did, because no matter how I look at it, I still hurt Buffy. And I kinda realized it the moment I saw how the expressions on her face changed from surprise to hurt to disappointment to saddness until it closed off all together. It was at that moment I regretted what I said and wanted to take them back but she didn't give me a chance. After she suddenly agreed with me and told me I was right, not about Dawn being wrong though but more on her also being a hypocrite, she left the shop and had gone to face the demon all by herself.

 

I had wanted to go after her but I didn't because, seriously, what was I gonna tell her?

 

I may not have wanted to hurt her but I had meant what I said about her also being a hypocrite. She had no right to go and side with Dawn on her ideals about Anya. I mean, sure my future wife was once a demon but she wasn't now and she was no longer actively trying to be evil, so that should at least mean something to them? Yet they would use her to point out that I was a hypocrite because I wouldn't be nice to Spike?!

 

Spike who was a demon, a fact that I wasn't gonna change anytime soon, and had tried to kill us a lot of times a few years ago. He may be fighting on our side now but the chip's the only thing that's stopping him from going back to the evil demon that he once was. I was just being the realist of all of us when I would refuse to be nice to the vampire, because I seem to be the only one out of everyone who still remembers what he was. If I stopped doing what I'm doing then we might end up regretting it when the time comes that Spike finally gets free of the chip and starts killing all of us.

 

I can understand Dawn not understanding why I do what I do or why I act the way I act around Spike, because, as I said earlier, she's just a kid. She doesn't know any better and had formed a weird kind of friendship with the vampire because of how she and the bleached menace had been so close over the summer. But Buffy agreeing with her was a different story.

 

She should know better than to trust a demon. I mean, it wasn't that long ago that she had forgotten this fact and trusted Angel and look what that had gotten her and everyone of us. Ms. Calendar died and so did a lot of innocent people when Angelus got lose. But that wasn't her biggest mistake, because even I could freely admit that I was also guilty for trusting the vampire at the time. Her biggest mistake was the fact that her trust and love for the monster was what had stopped her from hunting down the bastard and just killing him before things got worse. It was her feelings for him that resulted in Angelus being a bigger problem than he should have been when he had turned evil. I mean, sure she was still the one who killed him, but it only happened when the asshole thought about destroying the world. Had she not hesitated she could've saved a lot of people, but she did hesitate and all those bad things happened.

 

So yeah, I kind of hurt her by reminding her of that mistake of hers but she needed to hear it otherwise she'd end up seeing dead boy junior the same way Dawn does and that's the last thing I want to happen.

 

Spike's a demon and a vampire at that, so he shouldn't be trusted. But it's so easy to forget this because he doesn't act like your regular vamp. He eats people food, watches daytime soaps, plays pool, reads really old poetry and befriends and takes care of a mourning teenager. He protected us during he summer Buffy was--gone, and helped out on watching Dawn and the Hellmouth, which wasn't an easy task since that summer was the first summer we ever had where we had to actually actively protect Sunnydale because of those demons that got away from the portal that Dawn's blood opened. Anyway, going back, he did all of this and more and, like I said, it had been easy to forget what he was. But we shouldn't forget. We shouldn't let our guard down on him, even if he was funny and a decent pool player. He was still a monster in a cage just waiting to be set free, so that's why I'll stay the way I am and continue to treat him the way I do because someone has to be the one to remind everyone about this beast trying to blend in with us.

 

So I'll be the villain in the group, I'll let my friends and Dawnie get angry at me. I'll let them tell me what a big jerk and a hypocrite I am. I don't care, I know what I am doing, and I know that what I am doing is the right thing.

 

"Hey, are you okay?" Willow suddenly asked placing a hand on my shoulder shaking me out of my musing.

 

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine! I'm just a bit guilty though for saying such things to Buffy, you know?" I told my friend.

 

"Yeah, you were a bit of a poophead earlier. But I do think your heart was in the right place. I mean had you not said what you did, who knows maybe Buffy might just give Spike a chance or something, and you and I both know that is not of the good variety because--well he's a vampire and I guess we just shouldn't trust him that much," she said this as a whisper while cautiously watching the shop's basement door, where Tara had gone after Dawn.

 

_Well, it looks like I'm not the only one, as I thought I was, who thinks it's dangerous to trust Spike._

"Yeah, that's exactly what I think. And I am glad you share the same thoughts, Wills. It's always good to have a friend on my side." I smiled at her.

 

"I'll always be your friend, Xander."

 

"Thanks, Will."

 

"Well, I better go downstairs and check on Dawn and Tara."

 

I nodded and allowed my friend to leave.

 

** POOF! **

 

Smoke suddenly appeared at the center of the shop that had caught my attention and within the smoke, Anya's demon friend stood.

 

"Hallie! Hey!" Anya greeted happily as she approached the vein-y faced demon from the cash registrar and gave her a tight hug.

 

"Hello, yourself Anyanka!" she replied, returning the hug.

 

"What are you doing here?" Anya asked her.

 

I turned away from the pair and ignored whatever they'd want to talk about and decided to focus my attention back on the shop's door where Buffy left. I was a bit worried again.

 

 _Maybe I should go after her._ I thought as I began to worry about Buffy's safety.

 

I was busy contemplating the answer to that question but then stopped upon hearing some really disturbing information from Anya's vengeance demon friend.

 

"Wait, he said what to what?!" I asked with a loud voice, turning my attention to the giggling duo by the shelves.

 

"Who said what to what?" Dawn's voice suddenly resounded from the basement door before she entered the shop with Willow and Tara.

 

"Spike said no to Hallie' s preposition to remove his chip," Anya answered flippantly as if she was relaying some old news.

 

"You offered to take out his chip?" Dawn asked the demon looking really surprised.

 

"Of course, I did. William is an old friend and I owe him a lot. So I offered him a wish but, as I said, he said no to it."

 

"Bu-but why? I mean, that's like the perfect opportunity to get the chip removed. That--it just doesn't make sense!" Willow stated looking just as shocked as I was.

 

"Why would it not make sense? I mean, if he had the chip removed he'd have to be forced to leave Sunnydale because Buffy would definitely go after him," Anya said, "That and also because he loves Dawn and her too and I think he'd be heartbroken if he left their side. I think his decision was very logical."

 

"I thought so too, Anyanka! Although, I only had that conclusion after seeing William's face that night. It was very cute. Oh, boy, a hundred and thirty-one years since I had last seen him and he still looks so adorable when he is in love. Although, I was the one who he used to give those affectionate looks to, so I guess it is strange to see him be this way for someone else. I can't--"

 

Halfrek continued talking about how Spike used to " _fancy_ " her and how it both made her happy and sad that the bleached vampire had found someone else to love. But I didn't really care about that, I was more focused on the fact that Spike, the demonic bane of our existence, had turned down his one chance to take out the government chip in his head and go back to being the monster I thought he was. But as Willow asked: " _why would he do such a thing?"_. I tried to think of any kind of evil reason to explain this but at the momnt I couldn't think of one.

 

 _Damn, maybe he has changed._ A stray thought came into my mind.

 

I immediately shook  the thought away. I couldn't sway now.

 

_The bastard was still a demon, he can still turn against us. He can still change his mind and go and try to get the chip out and kill each and everyone of us. He's still definitely evil and was just trying to deceive us. He--_

 

I stopped, because I was beginning to lose the conviction I had a few minutes ago regarding the issue. Spike turning down the offer to get his chip out was something of a major perspective changer. It made me rethink everything I knew about the vampire and at that very moment I got flashbacks of the times he had been hanging out with us over the summer; fighting for our cause and saving our asses along the way.

 

"He has changed, Willow. We really need to start accepting that now," Tara's gentle voice penetrated my thoughts. She was trying to comfort Willow who was panicking really hard at what we just found out. "And this is the proof of that. He's been changing for a long time, but, I guess, we've never really taken notice of it, despite how amazing it was." She clasped my friend's hand and I guess I should be happy for them because it seems they are slowly starting to act like a couple again. But, again, I couldn't find it in me to care about that at the moment, because I was thinking about what Tara said.

 

_ He has been changing for a long time but, I guess, we've never really taken noticed of it, despite how amazing it was. _

 

"Tara's right," Anya agreed. "It is an amazing thing for a demon to change its very nature for the sake of a Slayer and her whiny teenage sister."

 

"Hey!" Dawn cried out.

 

"But even more so is that he is slowly trying not to just be nice to Dawn and Buffy but he's trying to be agreeable with the rest of us too!" Anya continued ignoring Dawn's reaction.

 

"Wait, what do you mean he's trying to be agreeable with us, Ahn? He's never agreeable. He's always being mean and snarky and he always insults us!" I told my future wife, finally finding my voice and joining in the conversation.

 

"He is very agreeable, Xander, you just never noticed it because you never tried to be nice to him. In fact he's helped me a lot of times to obtain a few items I need for the shop and he's also agreed to pay for some of the stuff he takes. Emphasis on the _some_ though because I haven't been able to force him to stop stealing from me altogether. But over all he's really not that bad once you get to know him better."

 

I had to shut up after this.

 

He's not that bad once you get to know him better...

 

_Well, I don't want to get to know him! And he, too, is bad! He's a Big Bad and he will kill us once the chip's--_

 

I stopped again, because I knew that that reason could no longer be used anymore. He choose to keep the chip. A vampire choose to be caged but for what?

 

"Buffy--" I said softly as realization dawned on to me. "He did it for Buffy!" I said louder than necessary thus earning everyone's attention.

 

"Well, duh, Xander. Halfrek just said that. He kept the chip so he could stay in town with Buffy and I," Dawn told me with her arms crossed and glare intact.

 

"No, what I mean is that he kept it because he thinks he can get into Buffy's pants! If Buffy finds out about him keeping the chip, then she'll definitely be seeing him in a whole different light! He thinks he could get her to sleep with him by looking like a good pet in its cage! Man, that's smart!" I stated.

 

"Oh, no! What are we gonna do?!" Willow asked, looking like she was having a panic attack. "Buffy's gonna go to him right now to ask his help! He could tell her about this and she might--"

 

"Don't worry, Wills. We'll protect Buffy and tell her ourselves," I told my friend as I went to the weapon's chest in the corner and took out a sword from inside. "Once we see her and help her fight that demon." I handed Willow a crossbow. She gave me one of her resolved face looks and I couldn't help but smile at her. She can be really brave when she wants to be and helpful too even though she no longer used magic.

 

"Ahn, you guys take care of yourselves while we go and help out Buffy and protect her from Dead boy junior," I told my fiance as Willow and I went towards the shop's doors.

 

"Oh, my god, you two are not actually serious about this plan of yours, are you?" Dawn's voice shrieked from behind us. "You two really think that Spike said _NO_ to getting the chip removed because he wants to have sex with my sister? Are you really that thick? He's a vampire for Christ's sakes! If he really wanted to, without the chip, he could just have sex with Buffy by forcing himself on her! He doesn't have to have this very elaborate plan to seduce Buffy, in fact, we all know that Spike's not patient enough to wait that long!"

 

Willow stopped walking and began to look really uncertain. She turned to face me.

 

"She does have a point," Willow told me, "Maybe we should just wait for Buffy to come back."

 

"What?! NO! Will, she needs us! She needs us to protect her from Spike, from making bad decisions, from making the same mistakes she did with Angel!"

 

"And for the last time, Xander, Spike is not Angelus! He's not gonna go loco and kill us all in our sleep! Can't you see? Him declining the removal of his chip makes him a better man!" Dawn interjected, yet again. "And since when did you become the person who gets to protect Buffy from making bad choices?" she said as she slowly approached me. "Since when did you become the one who gets to make her decisions for her? I think it's enough that you and everyone else in this room, besides Halfrek and me, had decided to rip her out of heaven against her will. Now you're gonna go and take her ability to decide who she'd love or care about? Who the hell do you think you are, Xander Harris? You're not her dad or her brother or even Buffy's Watcher! You're just her friend who can't even see how miserable she is! You care about nothing but your own world view of things and if it doesn't fit, you throw a fit, like a freaking sissy!"

 

I had been staring at her while taking in all she had said, but the last part of what she said hit a cord with me, and the insulting name she called me reminded me of another person calling me such a name, that just made me loose control of myself. It made me lash out and made me do something I never thought I'd ever do.

 

I raised a hand to a woman.

 

** SLAP! **

 

"Xander!" Willow's scream called me out of my rage induced trance.

 

"Oh, shit! Dawn, I didn't--"

 

"Don't touch me!" she screamed as she took a step back from me while she cupped her reddened cheek, before running to the counter, picking up her bag then she ran again and this time towards the door that lead outside.

 

"Dawn!" Tara called out before picking up her things too and racing after the girl, but not before she said something that hit my heart deeper than any  blade could pierce. "I'm disappointed in you two, especially you, Xander. I thought you were a better man, at least I've never seen Spike raise a hand to Dawn or even tried to, that would earn him a headache. So I think you need to properly think about what you're gonna do before doing it and also try to get your facts straight before you jump to the conclusions of Buffy being the one who needs protection. If you can remember, she's a big girl, she doesn't need our protection or people deciding things for her, she can do all that on her own. But she has been through a lot and she's still adjusting with coming back from heaven, so what she really needs is our love and support not an intervention. You'll only drive her further away from you that way. Think about it before you two leave and go after her and ruin whatever tentative trust she still has for you, because god knows you two seem to always think she's okay with everything you've done to her."

 

She left after that, and we simply stood there, looking at the door, and just felt awful about ourselves. Willow looked like she got kicked in the behind and thrown out of her house. And of course, I wasn't any different. Well, I wasn't really sure what I looked like but I am pretty sure I was sharing the same emotions with her, which was mostly self hate and guilt.

 

Tara was right, I was a disappointment and even Spike was looking like a better man than me, and that. I thought I was okay with being the villian in the group, but I really am not. I don't want to hurt my friends, make them think I'm a jerk? Yes. But hurt them? That's not what I want to happen, yet I still let that happen tonight. I hurt Buffy, I hurt Dawn and even Willow lost what blooming relationship she and Tara had for each other because of my abrasive and hasty decision to go after Buffy to try to protect her from an evil I should know she could handle and also, at the same time, run her life for her, the life we all had forced on her.

 

"Seriously, Anyanka. I really don't know what you see in him," Halfrek's voice startled me from my inner musing. "He's sad, pathetic and stupid. He's a bully and a brute, who thinks he can control everyone just because he's suppose to be the man in the house." I flinched at what she was saying. How is it her description of me reminds me so much of another Mr. Harris that I know of? "Frankly, I think it is ironic you are going to marry someone who is shockingly similar to those men you used to place your vengeance on."

 

"Shut up! You don't know anything about me!" I screamed at her in angry frustration. I really didn't like what I was hearing from her mouth.

 

"Ooh, I'm scared. What are you gonna do, big guy? Gonna slap me around like you did to that poor kid, who was only trying to defend her friend and sister from your stupidity? If so, just remember that I slap back and with much greater force." Her face shifted back to her demonic one, but that didn't really scare me, instead, seeing the demonic look on her face, made it okay for me to want to fight back.

 

I took a step forward and was about to launch myself at the demonic bitch and use my sword against her when I felt hands grab my elbow stopping me mid step. I turned to snap at whoever was holding me when I came to see the teary face of my bestfriend.

 

"Stop it, Xander, just stop! Don't be stupid! She's not worth losing you life over to! Don't let her do that to you. Don't give in to that darkness," Willow told me, "You're better than that!"

 

 _Am I?_ I thought as I looked down at my friend.

 

Her words registered with me, and they suddenly made me realize just how wrong I really was in the first place. I wasn't trying to protect anyone from a monster, I was controlling everyone, namely Buffy, and being the monster. I was cruel and a bully to a being weaker than me, because I knew he couldn't hurt me or fight back. And even though, I knew deep down that Spike had changed, well not a lot but I knew he was no longer the same demon he once was, I was never as impressed by it as I should be, because instead of feeling amazed by the changes he's been going through, I was threatened by them. Not because I thought he was being deceptive or such, but more because deep down I was subconsciously thinking that if I allowed him in our group, I'd be the one they'd kick out.

 

Spike was great at everything he did. He was a skilled fighter, a good listener and advice giver, a loyal friend to Dawn and I knew that underneath the big bad exterior lay a really smart guy who knew a lot of foreign and demonic languages and was skilled in English and History and was a really good teacher to Dawn. So if he had been human, he'd be the perfect Scoobie in the group. He could keep up with the demon fighting thing, and at the same time he was a real good researcher. He's like Giles and Buffy all rolled in one and I think--no, I know, that I hated that about him. I'm jealous of him, and I think it's why I act the way I do around him, it's why I'd hate to trust Spike because if I did, or once I do trust him, I was no longer gonna be the man in the house. He'd be the one to take my place and I'd be pushed in the sidelines. I'd be a Zeppo again.

 

So that's the real reason why I didn't like Spike. He was gonna take everything from me and I just didn't want that. I didn't want to lose my place in the group.

 

_Yeah, we'll you didn't need his help to lose your place, you did a splendid job at that yourself._

I insulted Buffy, hit Dawn and disappointed Tara. I've even almost attempted to kill Anya's friend and maid-of-honor. I really am a horrible man, just like my father. I really don't think I'd blame those two if they decide not to see me anymore. Hell, I don't think I'd blame any of my friends if they'd choose to leave me. I felt my eyes begin to water as the reality of being left alone dawned to me. I released the sword I've been holding and just stood there feeling tired and defeated.

 

I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown when I suddenly felt someone hug me. So I looked down and saw that it had been Anya who was holding me. She gave me a gentle and loving smile.

 

"I love you, Xander. But you need to stop acting like a jerk because everyone will be angry with you if you continue being like this. And we don't want that because no one will come to our wedding if you keep acting in such a way. And if no one comes then we'll lose all of our gifts!" she said looking really upset at such a prospect. I was about to tell her off about how it was rude to only want people at our wedding because of the gifts but held my mouth because of what she said next. "Besides, you have nothing to be afraid of. Even if Dawn and Buffy start siding with Spike and he becomes their whatever, and even if everyone will leave you, I'll still stay with you, by your side, all the way, because, like I said, I love you, Alexander Harris, despite all your flaws and imperfections, your my perfect man," she stated with conviction and pure honesty that it made me feel loved.

 

"I love you too, Ahn," I told her hugging her back.

 

I may have screwed things up with Buffy and Dawn, and I am sorry for that and will definitely try to fix that  when I see them again. But I am still lucky to be loved by this wonderful woman in front of me. Anya was the one, I knew this despite the fact I was still terrified at the prospect of marrying her, and what she said just now proved this fact to me more than anything. So she was once demon, so she was a bit too vulgar and over shared our sex life, and so she doesn't feel sorry for all the people she's killed or maimed with her vengeance. Those things didn't matter to me, they icked me and made me uncomfortable when we talked about it, but they never had been enough to make me want to leave her. I love this woman and that's that. You don't chose the ones you love, you just love them, and if you get lucky and they loved you in return, you don't ever let them go.

 

It was in this moment that I finally understood why Buffy hesitated killing Angel. He may had been evil at the time but she loved him and he had loved her, when the soul was intact. So she had a hard time finding it in her to kill him early because she held on to that small hope that her lover would return to her. If I had been in her place and Anya was the evil one, I guess I'd do the same thing. Or die trying to get her back. It was the normal thing to do when you're in love, and not a mistake, so I guess I shouldn't have rubbed it in her face what she did. And Dawn--well, I knew she had been really annoying lately since she has been constantly complaining about how we were unfair towards Spike but only now do I finally see her point and realize that she was right to act that way and say such things to us. We have been unfair but not just towards dead boy junior but also towards her. She may just be a child but she at least was mature enough to notice our flaws and point them out to us. Yet we always either ignore her or shut her down because she was a kid. But Dawn deserves more than that because she's a good kid and she's been through more than any child her age has been through and that gives her the right to at least be respected, or the very least be understood and listened to.

 

"Damn, I really screwed things up, didn't I, honey?" I asked looking down at my fiance.

 

"Well, if you mean screw up that isn't the sexy kind but the one where you did something horrible that hurt your friends and possibly break up your friendship with them. Then yes, you screwed up very very much."

 

I flinched at what she said. _Brutal honesty, I couldn't have expected anything less from my beloved Anya._

 

"But don't worry, baby. I'm sure everyone will forgive you if you grovel at them real well. But not too well because I don't want you doing the kind of groveling you do with me, that's saved only for me." I could not help but smile at her because of that. The memory of that really was a major turn on. "And you also need to find a compromise to your Spike vendetta, that got you in this situation in the first place."

 

Yeah, I kind of been thinking the same thing. I'll be a bit nicer to Spike and try and encourage him to be a better man or at least not make fun of his efforts to change .

 

"So over all if you do this then, I'm sure everything will be okay. If not, then you can just ask Willow to help you bake those apology cookies she's so good at making, maybe that will be enough."

 

At that I let out a choked up laughed, while giving a quick and amused glance at my red haired friend beside me. She was looking a bit indignant, but not really complaining about what Anya said, which was a good sign, if you ask me. I looked back at my fiance who was staring at me in confusion because she didn't understand why I was laughing. But instead of answering I merely dipped my head and gave her a real and deep kiss on the lips. When we separated, I had to hold her tighter to make sure she still remained standing.

 

_She's the only woman I know that still got jelly legged each time I kissed her._

 

"God, I love you," I whispered affectionately to her, yet again.

 

"I love you too, Xander," she whispered back.

 

"Thank you for being in my life, Anya, and for helping me realize what an ass I really was earlier."

 

"I thought you realized that when you hit Dawn earlier?" She looked innocent as she said this.

 

_She doesn't even know how much she just helped me just now._

I gave her a sad smile. "Yeah, me slapping Dawn was a real eye opener and I will do everything I can to make that right and apologize to her. But what really made me see my full mistake was you and Willow." I looked at my friend who gave me a tentative smile.

 

"And me!" Halfrek added.

 

I glared at the demon, who had returned to her human visage and was looking really bored, but I didn't disagree.

 

She did help a bit by calling me names and making me see who exactly I was turning into. But just a little.

 

"Okay, you, Willow, and Halfrek helped me. Halrek pointed out my faults. Willow stopped me from attacking her and getting myself killed. But it was you, who really helped the most."

 

I stared deeply into her beautiful hazel eyes that were so full of love, and I just realized that I want those eyes to always look at me that way. And in order to keep them that way I knew I needed to change and be a better man for her. _'_

_I'm not my father's son, never was never will be._

I had always promised myself that I was never gonna be like him. But earlier, when I had slapped Dawn, it made me see the possibility that I could still be just like him. I could still be an abusive controlling asshole too, even though I didn't want to be. Earlier when I noticed this I had lost hope of ever changing my fate, until Anya said the things she said and had made me realize that I had something that was worth fighting for and a reason to avoid becoming that man.

 

"It was you who stopped me from really giving up on myself. Your love is what brought me back and is making me want to change to be better and not be  someone like my father. So yeah, thank you all-" I looked back up at Willow and Halfrek before returning my gaze on Anya. "--and thank you, honey. And again, I love you."

 

"Aw, you're welcome, Xander, and again, I love you too."

 

I want to change and I will change, for Anya, for my friends and most importantly for myself. So yeah, starting tonight, I am gonna be a different man, a better man! Because if a soulless demon could change then so could I! And I shall start my change by doing what Dawn has been telling me to do all this time, and that is by being nicer to Spike! Of course that is only if I can get Buffy and Dawn to forgive me, and-oh, also if Buffy and Spike can stop the world from ending. So I am crossing my fingers for both of those things.

 

**(O.O)**


	6. Everyone's View Outside of Therapy 2-2

**(O.O)**

**Spike**

 

She had came into my crypt and asked me to join her hunt down a demon that was supposed to end the world tonight, and I followed her without question, as I always did. But something was off about the girl tonight.

 

She seemed to be more closed off than usual. She gave me an expressionless look as she asked for my help, and was simply moving through the motions as we searched for this demon. She didn't say anything except to ask me questions on where we'd go to search for this demon next, and even that conversation was short and to the point. It was unsettling, seeing her act like this, because it was much worse than how she acted when she first came back, at least back then she was at least showing me some sort of emotion; pain and resentment mostly. But now, she was showing off nothing, not a change in expression or a change in the rhythm of her heartbeat. It was like interacting with a bloody machine, only this one was actually alive but was simply acting more of a robot than the bot that that wanker Warren had built for me.

 

_Something bad must've happened to her while I wasn't around._

 

I would've asked what was wrong with her. In fact, I had half a mind to do just that. But I stopped myself. I was busy dealing with my own problems at the moment and I wasn't in the mood to spend time helping the Slayer go through with whatever caused her to act this way. I still had an assignment I had to answer but, for the life of me, I couldn't do so.

 

_It was so bloody hard and her presence wasn't helping much in me finding the answer to that question._

 

I began to think back on my sessions with my psychiatrist last Friday night. It had been in that session that I was able to suss out that something was truly wrong with the way I loved people. The doctor made me first realized how wrong I had been in how I had handled my relationship with Dru.

 

Of course we only had that talk after I had bawled my eyes out over the fact that I had wasted a century with a woman I only loved out of gratitude and pity.

 

Anyway, going back, apparently, according to the good doctor I loved too much and such a thing, though was not usually was a bad thing, was not a good one for the likes of me, especially since apparently I often misinterpret my feelings for love.

 

Of which I had argued with her because-really, how does one misinterpret "love"?

 

Of course she then gave me a discourse about the many types of love, and apparently there are a lot of ways for someone to love a person, hence why there are also a lot of ways of showing love. She nearly lost me at this part, but then she used my relationship with Dru as an example I immediately got what she meant.

 

_More because her point hit very close to home, so the message was immediately received._

 

I had loved Dru, that's what she told me. Only I loved her either out of gratitude or loyalty, that had been associated by my turning into a vampire. Soon that love changed, after seeing the woman that she was and hearing about what Angelus had done to her. My false sense of romanticism and my caretaker nature, was triggered by this and it had made me want to protect and watch over her. Add the years that she and I had been together, I slowly created the misconception that Dru had been the love of my life and thus made me give her everything I had and did everything I could to be the kind of man she wanted, which were, according to the doctor, behaviors I had developed to conpensate how I had been rejected by the last woman I loved when I had been alive.

 

Anyway, it was because of this misconception that I had handled my relationship wrongly. I had thought that I was doing everything for the love of my life but in reality she was never that person and I never really loved her that much.

 

Which had hurt when I heard it.

 

This then opened our discussions on having a healthy relationship with someone. She used the relationships I had with my mother, Cecily and Dru to point out that I had tendency to commit or, in Cecily's case, have a willingness to commit into a relationship with people who I first started to love either out of duty, obligations and gratitude, and because of this I never saw any flaws in what we had because I only cared for what they wanted. But that is not how relationships were suppose to work.

 

She had told me that in a relationship it involved both parties to make it work, this time she used my relationship with Dru as an example. She said that although Dru loved me back in her insane little way, she was neither willing or capable of participating in the relationship I had with her. That's why when it ended I was the only one who really felt the loss because it had been, since the very beginning, a one-sided relationship. And such a relationship was not a healthy one.

 

It was then I had began to analyze my relationship with Buffy and I saw that we had some similarities to my relationship with Dru, because in our relationship, it also seemed that I was the only one trying to make it work. When I mentioned this Dr. Grey told me that it was best if I talked to Buffy about this because now I can see that there was indeed something wrong with what we have and it was best that we tried to find a solution to it together, like a normal couple would.

 

But how does one broach such a subject with a partner who wouldn't even admit that the relationship existed?

 

I asked the doctor this and she had looked thoughtful about this before she answered me was a resounding: "You don't."

 

Apparently when a partner doesn't want to participate in the relationship or even acknowledge it, then the relationship was indeed doomed to fail. And I guessed she just lost me on that part, where my relationship with Buffy was destined to fail due to the Slayer's reluctance to accept it, because I was too busy mourning what I had with the girl. I barely even noticed the end of our discussion until she told me that our session for that evening had ended.

 

I attempted to leave her office with a heavy heart and a conflicted mind. But before I got out, the good doctor gave me an assignment that would apparently help ease my mind on things involving Buffy and our relationship. I was willing to hear her out only to be disappointed when I found out that her way to ease my problems was to create another one by making me find the reasons why I loved the girl in the first place. The list was supposed to help me decide whether or not the relationship was worth continuing in the first place.

 

I didn't really liked the assignment, because truthfully I didn't want to find out if whether or not my love for Buffy was the same as my love for Dru or that it started like how I started to fall in love with Cecily and my sire, because then I'd feel even more depressed because I misunderstood my feelings for someone yet again. But I did it anyway, just right after I got home to my crypt  because I had nothing better to do for sleep had not come to me that night after my return.

 

But after three days and nights of pondering on the assignment I was only able to come to one conclusion and that was that I had no idea why I loved Buffy but I knew that I didn't start to love her  how I usually start to love someone as the doc said, because frankly I was neither obligated and grateful to the damn chit even though she spared my life when I came to her when I first got chipped, because she wasn't exactly the most welcoming person at the time, and also I had the inkling that I sort of  loved the girl the first time we  met. So it had totally ruled out my behavioral tendency to fall in love with people who I felt obligated or grateful to. It  put me in a predicament when I realized that I had no basis as to why I fell in love with the Slayer, and so my list ended up with me listing the many reasons why I shouldn't love the girl, which was the opposite of what I was supposed to do.

 

The first in that list of why I shouldn't love Buffy was the fact she was the Slayer and I was a vampire. If our nature doesn't do us in and the fact that we're natural born enemies then her useless morals and vigilant need to do the right thing should've told me she was not right for me or that we were not meant to be.

 

The next on that list was that she and her friends have no respect for me whatsoever. I'm a hundred  plus year old Master Vampire, my experience and skills should be an asset to their group but they all treat me like a waste of space and a fucking expendable fighter. They don't value my opinions and they often, if not always, made fun of everything I say and do, not to mention they just don't trust me. I get the not trusting part, I mean, I did try to have their lot killed far too many times in the past but that's just that, the past, because after all I have been through with them and did for them, they should at least give me a benifit of the doubt. But no, they won't do that because I was a soulless demon and that the minute I lose the chip, I'll go back to my evil ways!

 

_Ha! Like that's possible!_

 

I've already tested myself, a few months back, when I first thought the chip no longer worked, and found out that even if this bloody chip were to, for some miracle, stop working I wouldn't be able to return to my glorified evil self because I just didn't have it in me to kill anyone any more because every young teenage girl would remind me too much of the Bit and every older woman reminded me of Joyce, same went to every older gentleman because they were all Rupert in my eyes and the women were either Red, Glinda and demon girl, even whelp lookalikes wouldn't be enough to get me to eat them. I thought of focusing on only killing those who broke the law but then I'd see the Slayer's disappointed look and I turn sour faced at the thought of it and forgone the idea of killing anyone else that deserved to die.

 

_Yup, murder is ruined to me by these bloody white hats._

 

It was also because of this that I declined Cecily's offer to take the chip out. I knew that I didn't have it in me to kill anyone anymore so why bother getting the chip out when it would just give Buffy and the Scoobies a reason to come after me.

 

Anyway going back, yes, the slayer not having any form of respect towards me should've been a major turn off for me but it simply didn't for reasons I can neither understand or pinpoint. Same goes to the part where she constantly abuses me, which, by the way, was the third one on my list. The bitch would come to me for my help either to kill a demon or to scratch an itch. I don't mind doing either one of those two, because I love the girl, but when I don't get so much as a thank you for doing such deeds for her then that should be a cause for concern.

 

I'd state more reasons but most of them are a bit of a repeating thought to the second and third reasons. But overall, my list was a big proof that I indeed had no reason to love Buffy, even worse I had no reason to continue this relationship with her. Yet I still wanted both things and I just didn't understand why. She was everything bad for me and yet, the thought of not loving her anymore and leaving her just hurt more than any insult or abuse she and her friends could cook up for me.

 

What I felt for Buffy was more than what I felt for Dru or anyone I ever loved in my life and unlife. This was something I was able to determine, at least, in all my musing for the past few days. But I just couldn't name whatever it is I feel for her besides calling it love which again makes me go back to the question of why I would love her in the first place.

 

It's a never bloody ending cycle! And I have been repeating such cycle for the past three days and nights since I left the good doctor's office. I pondered on an answer to it, but I end up with nothing.

 

 _Dammit. To hell with this, I'm sure that bloody doctor would have come up with answer to this question better than me._ I thought before letting out a heavy sigh as I checked my pocket watch, the one that I had nicked and started carrying with me to tell the time so I wouldn't be late for my session with the doctor, and saw that it was already 11:15pm.

 

_Double dammit!_

 

We've been searching for this demon for hours and I was already forty five minutes late for my session with Dr. Grey yet this bloody demon was still a bloody no show. I racked my brain for something that I could do so we'd find this demon faster, and an idea came to mind.

 

I stole a look at my companion, who was scanning the cemetery we were currently on, before telling her my plan.

 

"I think it's best if we split up. It's easier, and we'd cover more grounds, don't you think?"

 

"You want to split up? Why?" She sounded panicked, but why the hell for?

 

"I just said so. We split up so we'd cover more ground," I informed her.

 

"Are you really that angry at me that you'd make up reasons to get away from me?" she suddenly snapped, which confused the hell out of me.

 

"WHAT?! Are you daft? I'm not making up reasons to get away from you! I was trying to make it easy for us to find this demon. Why would you even think so in the first place?!"

 

"Of course I'd think like that, because, for starters, you haven't been acting like yourself all night," she said haughtily and that had irritated me bit--

 

"And pray tell, how is it I am not myself tonight?" I gritted my teeth.

 

"Well to start, you aren't talking to me. I mean, usually I can't get you to shut up for more than 5 seconds and now, we've been walking and searching for this monster for hours but you haven't at least once tried to start a conversation with me."

 

"Like you're one to talk! You haven't exactly been a stellar conversationalist tonight either, pet. And you haven't been acting like yourself either. You're acting more  cold hearted than usual-- in fact, you've been acting worse than the Buffybot! At least that one had a personality compared to how you have been tonight." She looked furious and was about to argue but I had none of it, and took the conversation back to its original topic. "And besides, it's not like you aren't okay with me not talking--or maybe you are." I paused and checked her reaction. "Did you want me to start a conversation with you?" I suddenly asked.

 

"What?! No, that's not the point!"

 

"Then get to the bloody point already, Slayer, because we haven't got all bloody night. We still need to find this demon and prevent it from ending the bloody world, or have you forgotten?"

 

"And that's another thing that I noticed about you tonight! You've been so antsy about something and have been checking that stupid watch of yours all night! It's like you've been wishing to get this over with 'cause you've got somewhere you have to be other  than here!"

 

"Maybe there is somewhere I'd rather be than here, Slayer, d'you ever think about that?"

 

She snorted. "Yeah, right. Like where? Is there some sort of High Bet Kitten Poker game you'd rather be tonight?"

 

That ticked me off even more. The fact she thinks so little of me made me want to strangle the annoying chit.

 

"First, it's High Stakes, not High Bet, you stupid bint. Second, I do have somewhere I have to be tonight and it isn't where I could gamble my lonely night away. I have an appointment that I'd rather I didn't  miss but had to because of this end of the world thing we have to stop," I informed her.

 

"Oh, really? Well, let's see since gambling is off the table, so I am guessing you've got an appointment with your therapist, Dr. Jack Daniels, am I right?" She was teasing or most probably trying to piss me off some more, but I couldn't tell because I was too stunned at the fact she mentioned me having a therapist. "Uh-Spike?"

 

"Wha-I mean, no! You're off your rocker, Slayer! I don't have a therapist!"

 

_Great! Way to make you look even more guilty, mate._

 

"I didn't say you had one, Spike. I was teasing you. You know, therapist and Jack Daniels? Does the joke ring any bells?"

 

"Oh. Well, if that's what you meant then yes, I will be meeting with my Jack and will be having a lovely Chinese movie marathon back at my crypt," I lied and hoped she'd buy it.

 

"Uh-huh." She crossed her arms and gave me a pointed look. "And how come I don't believe that?"

 

Not wanting to bury myself deeper in a lie I knew I could not make, I opted to leave the subject alone by telling her off. "Believe what you want," I told her acting exasperated before turning away and walking in the direction of the woods where I felt a sudden surge of dark magic.

 

"Ohh no, Mister. You are hiding something, I can feel it," she said, following closely behind me and pushing the issue.

 

"Then your feelings are off tonight, pet. Because I ain't got anything to hide." I continued to walk closer to the forest.

 

"How about you say that one more time, Spike, and this time with feeling!" she screamed. But I didn't respond to her, I was too busy sniffing the air for other anomalies, and noticed that the magic was indeed steadily getting stronger.

 

Dark magic and a demon that planned to suck this dimension. I put two and two together and concluded that I had just determined the location of our prey tonight. I was about to inform the Slayer about this when the bitch threw a bloody rock at me.

 

"God! What the bloody hell is wrong with you?" I yelled back, rubbing my head where the stone had hit and turning around to face her cute and obviously angry face. "Why the hell are you forcing this issue? I already answered your question and whether or not I'm telling the truth shouldn't bother you because it isn't even any of your fucking business!"

 

"It is my business, Spike, because you are my responsibility!" she stated haughtily.

 

A vein popped at that  assumption. All thoughts about the world ending demon just left my head and I just snapped at her and started telling her all the abuse I've been experiencing from her and her little band of misfits.

 

"Since when?! You don't care about me or what I do. I am the farthest person in your mind just as long as I don't cause any trouble to your lot or do anything too evil. You usually ignore me when I am around or insult me in front of your peers until I would leave your lot alone. The only time you and your Scoobies deem me worthy of your time is when you need my help to get information of certain demons or for extra muscle or, in your case, Slayer, to scratch your bloody itch!"

 

She stared at me, wide eyed and mouth hanging open. I'd have laughed at the look on her face but I was too angry at her and I still had a lot more to tell the bitch.

 

"You say that I'm your responsibility? Does that so called responsibility include you continuously ripping my unbeating heart out every bloody night you come to me for sex? Or maybe it includes insulting my pathetic ass and making me feel like your bloody doormat every other chance you and your so called friends feel like it?! Bloody hell, Buffy, I love you!" The moment those words left my lips her lips began to move, but I didn't let her say anything because I immediately continued on with my angry speech. "And don't you dare say that I don't because, whether you believe or not, I do love you, Summers, because there is no other explanation why I'd let a bunch of humans walk all over me, pick on me, insult me and abuse me other than me loving you. My promise to you was the only thing that kept me from meeting the sun that summer you died, and it was in your memory that I fought to protect your ungrateful friends and made sure to keep the bloody Hellmouth safe! I bled for your cause and fucking let you all use me as you all bloody please!" I paused, breathing unnecessarily, and looked into her beautiful green eyes.

 

_God, I could really get lost in them_

 

I shook the straying thought and finished my speech by whispering the last words.

 

"But if all those things that I did and still willing  do for you and yours, Buffy, is not love, then you are right, I don't know what love is. But then that also means you don't know what it is either."

 

I stood there in front of her and braced myself for the blow that I knew would soon follow because I told the stupid woman in front of me a few truths I knew she didn't want to hear from me. But when nothing came, I became worried and started to study her face to get any indications of what she was thinking or feeling.

 

My girl was shaking, her head downcast, her hair freely cascading and covering her face.

 

"Buffy? Luv?" I called her softly surprising the girl into looking up to face me and what I saw nearly broke my heart.

 

Her eyes were watery and she looked so lost. All the anger and hurt I felt earlier left me and was replaced immediately by guilt, an emotions vampires aren't supposed to feel. Guilt, because I was the one who put that look on my girl's face.

 

"Oh, pet, I'm sorry," I told her and took her in my arms. "I'm a bad and rude man. Don't mind any of the things I just said. I was putting my foot in my mouth again." She was shaking again so I tightened my hold of her and began rubbing her back.

 

"I'm sorry," she suddenly said, surprising me with her words.

 

"Buffy, there is nothing to apologize for. I was the one at fault, luv," I told her, but it didn't ease her shaking.

**(O.O)**

**Buffy**

 

_ "But if all those things that I did and still willing  do for you and yours, Buffy, is not love, then you are right, I don't know what love is. But then that also means you don't know what it is either." _

 

Those words echoed in my ears and the truth in them hit a cord inside of me. It hurt to hear someone else say out loud my inability to love or comprehend it, even if that someone happened to be a soulless vampire that was supposed to be incapable of love. The reality of me, Buffy Anne Summers; the Vampire Slayer, hunter of demons, the bogieman of monsters, having a heart of stone that is incapable of loving anyone was enough to make me cry and hide under my sheets in shame.

 

 _It wasn't my fault!_ I'd say to myself.

 

It wasn't a fault of mine that I was too damaged to understand or remember the feeling of what love was! So why should  the words of a soulless monster get to me?

 

But I already knew the answer to that question. I care because I am Buffy, and I am human, and love should be something that humans should have a better concept of than a soulless vampire proclaiming to know all about love.

 

But I no longer knew what Love was. I just could no longer feel it. In truth, I've lost all of my ability to love. So the real question was: what exactly does that make me now?

 

I didn't want to answer that question or, more precisely, I fear the answer to such a question. So I focused on trying to understand the concept of Love.

 

_Love_

 

**_ Love is among the most basic of human emotions. It is the emotion we human's form through family and familiarity, friendship and companionship, attraction and intimacy. And it is our ability to love that differentiates us from animals or things. _ **

 

I know that I've read those words somewhere and I can say that I used to agree with it. But now, I don't because I no longer have any idea what love is.

 

I know that I once knew exactly what love is. I knew it can't be measured but felt and seen through actions. I loved my family and friends, and I always tried to show them that however I can. Then, I loved Angel. I loved him, and tried to show him my love too as I did with my family and gave him the one precious thing that I could give to any man I loved, my innocence.

 

I regretted doing so afterwards.

 

My love was what brought about the monster that killed all those women and Miss Calendar. It was my love that nearly ended the world. Duty, may have made me decide to kill my lover but love was what started all my problems in the first place.

 

I loved too much, or as my Spirit Guide once said: I am full of Love.

 

And because of my love, I have lost far too many things: a normal life, Miss Calendar, my future, my mom, and even my life.

 

Which was why Death was my gift. It was suppose to be what made every sacrifice I did for love be worth something because I finally found my peace in it and finally found a place where I got loved back the same way I loved and I was happy.

 

Then that was taken from me, and got brought back into a world where I had to keep giving.

 

Coming back tore me up more than I cared to admit to anyone, and I know in my return I hadn't only lost my eternal rest and peace but also my ability to love and understand it. A great loss, I knew that's what it was and everyday I hated thinking about it. In fact, I tried not to think about it. But when the two people who I had began to care for decided to show me this thing that I was seriously missing, these thoughts would come barreling into the forefront of my mind.

 

_I can't love anymore and that makes me a monster for being incapable of feeling such an emotion._

 

Dawn's disappointed look flashed into my mind along with Spike's words about how I had no idea what love was. And I just lost it. I buried my face further into Spike's chest and mourned the loss of my ability to love.

 

I then heard Spike telling me that he was sorry.

 

Why would he apologize? It wasn't his fault I lost my ability to love.

 

"I'm sorry," I told him.

 

"Buffy, there is nothing to apologize for. I was the one at fault, luv," was his reply, as he held me tighter and began rubbing my back.

 

_He was comforting me!_

 

I was at fault and had been a major bitch to him earlier and what does he do the first chance when I start feeling sorry for myself? He comforts me.

 

_God, how can this demon love more than I could?_

 

I was shaking again. As I made the horrible realization that Spike really could love, and not just because he thinks he could but because he really could. He was right about what he said earlier, about all those things he had done and was still willing to do for me because he loved me; all of those things were indicators that he could love. This new revelation rocked my world because it meant that everything I believe in about demons was wrong and everything that the Council, Giles and Angel taught me was a mistake. I didn't know yet how to feel about that but what I did know was that I felt guilt at the moment, because I had realized just how much I had been hurting a magnificent creature like Spike by denying him his wondrous capability to love.

 

 _God, I am a monster!_ I felt my tears fall down and Spike frantically trying to console me, by repeatedly apologizing for what he had said earlier.

 

"Stop it," I mumbled as I pushed myself out of his hold and stood straight in front of him. I took a few steps back and stared in to his deep expressive eyes. He looked hurt. He probably thought I was telling him to stop holding me. I hurriedly clarified what I said. "I meant that you need to stop apologizing." I then tried to say the next words as Bentley as posible. "You did nothing wrong, Spike. You were right to say those words. We have been abusing you and I also had no right to get involved in your business as long as it is not of the evil variety. I was being a nosy bitch earlier and I'm sorry for that."

 

"Uh, sure, you're forgiven," he said with a confused look that would've been funny for me if I wasn't focusing on gaining his forgiveness of the other offenses I had done to him.

 

"I'm sorry too for what happened last time," I told him.

 

"Wa-what time was tha-that again, pet?" he stuttered probably from the surprise of the slayer apologizing to him, not once but twice now.

 

"You know? For that time in your crypt. How I had treated you back then and how I approached the subject about you and Dawn not seeing each other anymore. You have to remember that time?"

 

_Because it's the only reason you have been avoiding me._

 

"Oh, that time," he answered as though he really had forgotten about that.

 

_How could he forget what happened? I knew how much I had hurt him by what I did! God, don't tell me he has already forgiven me for that!_

 

This realization added even more guilt to my heart.

 

"I said some stupid and untrue stuff about you being careless with her and how you failed to protect my friends over the summer and--well I didn't mean any of them." My eyes began to water as I realized the extent of my sins. "You were good with Dawn, and I know you'd never let anything happen to her. The coming to your crypt thing? I knew it was her idea and it was stupid but you couldn't really be blamed for that because she probably forced you to do it anyway. She can be really pushy when she wants to be. And the protecting my friends thing? You did protect them. You watched their backs and made sure they didn't die. Sure they were hurt but I knew that probably couldn't be helped since they weren't all that good at fighting anyway, so it was natural that they'd get injured. I shouldn't have held you responsible for that. It was enough that you fought with them in the first place and-I guess I never really thanked you for that." Another wave of guilt consumed me because of this thought.

 

"Don't fret about it, luv. You're not the only one who hasn't. I mean, those bloody Scoobies of yours never once thanked me and it was their arses I saved," he stated, while trying to sound lighthearted, most likely to lighten the mood and get me to stop crying.

 

Of course the gesture got an opposite reaction from me.

 

I bowed my head in shame.

 

_He's still trying to make me feel good. Why am I just noticing what a considerate guy he is?_

 

"Dawn was right, we really are hypocrites. Selfish and heartless hypocrites," I mumbled lowly remembering the conversation or more specifically the argument I had at the Magic Box.

 

"Buffy?" The concern in his voice was so clear and it shook me up from my inner melancholy.

 

 _I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. He's very sensitive to my emotions and if something upsets me, he'll start thinking that it's him that's  bothering me. I'll only hurt him more if I keep doing that to him._ I told myself.

 

"I'm really sorry, Spike," I said, trying to get the topic back to me asking his forgiveness. "You've been so good to us and we've done nothing but insult and redicule you. You protected my friends even though you didn't get a single thank you for it, and you stuck around. You took care of my sister, and I know what a handful she can be, yet you continued to watch over her and be a good friend to her. But, instead of gratitude for what you did for her, I banned you from seeing her. I'm sorry, Spike. I called you a monster but my friends and I were all acting more like one compared to you. We're terrible, terrible people and I am the worse of us all." I paused and took a deep breath as the memories of the things I've been doing to him for months came  to  mind, before finally continuing. "I came to you and confided in you as a friend after being ripped from heaven, and you helped me like one. You listened to my problems, and didn't expect me to be anyone else other than myself, and, even in your own misguided little way, you tried to help me solve some of them.--" A little smile graced his lips at this. He probably remembered the poker game he took me to as one of those misguided attempts to help me. "--And I was grateful for what you did, even though I never told you. You made me smile when all I wanted to do was to cry, and laugh when I'd start feeling sorry for myself. You were an amazing friend, Spike, and I loved the relationship that we had. But then I kissed you, and complicated that relationship, then I ignored what happened and that confused you. And when I finally gave in to temptation that was your  sexiness and had the world's best sex with you, I still continued to ignore what happened again the next day. I'd say it didn't mean anything and pushed you away. I'd tell you how it was wrong and that it won't happen again, but then I'd come back the next night and repeat the process all over again."

 

Memories of hot angry sex between the vampire and I flashed through my eyes, before the look Spike would send me after I'd go to leave him came to view. It was an expression I was familiar with but only now finally taken notice of.

 

"I knew it hurt you--" I started again. "--waking up alone in bed, feeling worthless and used up. I knew those feelings that you felt, I understood them better than anyone actually, because those were the feelings I felt after I did it with Angel and Parker and they were gone the next day. I knew I shouldn't have done the same thing to you, but I didn't care. I didn't care because I was always too busy dealing with my issues, and I just reasoned to myself that you were okay with it, that it was okay to do that to you because you weren't a person. So I kept coming back to you, even though I knew it was wrong, I only saw you as a convenience, something to scratch an itch, my walking undead vibrator.--"

 

He closed his eyes to blink back the tears. I was hurting him again, but I didn't stop because I knew I had to continue , otherwise I would never be able to finished what I wanted to say.

 

"--You _loved_ me, but I used that _love_ to continuously get you to have sex with me. I was so twisted that I was continuously destroying something special such as the _love of a demon_ , who's only will is to change for the better. And I continued to still do it, because I always reasoned that you were nothing but a thing that was dead inside and didn't feel anything real, when in reality you were more alive than anyone I know, and you showed more feelings than I ever did since I came back. You were so good to me and mine, Spike, yet I've never taken the time to thank you for it. Instead, I continuously hurt you, like I did in that alley." He flinched, making my heart bleed yet again because I had caused such a reaction from him just by a memory. "And in your crypt. I've been the bigger monster of the two of us, and that's why I get why you did it. Avoiding me, I mean. I was being too much, and I guess you most likely reached your limit. But if you have, reached you're limit, I mean, then I'd understand."

 

"Understand what, luv?" he asked in a low and almost whispered voice.

 

"I'd understand if you'd decide to leave me." His eyes widened and looked startled, guilty even. After seeing that emotion roll on his face, I realized that I had been right in my assumption. He had been planning to leave. I blinked back the tears and swallowed the lump on my throat.

 

_It's okay, Buffy. If he wants to go, let him go. You know now that he deserves more than you can give him._

 

"I'd understand, Spike, really. You don't have to pretend. You don't even have to give me a reason, because I know I don't deserve it. After everything I've done to you, I know I have no right to ask you to sta--"

 

"Shut up," he told me harshly, surprising me to silence. "You stupid, self-involved bitch!" I gave him an indignant look.

 

_The hell is he insulting me for?_

 

Here I was pouring my heart out to apologize to him for all the bad things I've done to him, and he goes on like that and prove to me why I always find it hard to believe he was capable of loving me. I was about to tell him that but then he continued.

 

"You really think that the world revolves around you don't you? You must think that the sun rises for you and if it sets then its your fault? God! What the hell is wrong with you?" I opened my mouth to answer but once again he cut me off. "No, don't answer that! Because I'm not really in the mood to find out. But what I do want to know is that what has given you the idea that I was planning on leaving you or even planned to leave in the first place?"

 

"B-but you were avoiding me all this time," I stated.

 

"No, I wasn't. Okay, sure after that morning in my crypt when you banned me from seeing Dawn, I was feeling a tad bit of resentment towards you and had not wanted to see you for a couple of days, but I got over that eventually."

 

"Then why didn't you come and check on me? Why haven't you been joining me for patrols? Why haven't I seen you for the last few days?" I said while trying and failing to hide the desperation in my voice.

 

"I've been in busy doing something for a friend-and before you ask, it wasn't anything of the evil variety and yes, I do have friends, Slayer. They just don't like getting introduced to you for reasons I'm sure you already know." He stared pointedly at the sword in my hand. "So you better quit your overly active imagination of me leaving because I already told you that I'm not planning on doing that anytime soon." He stepped closer to me. His deep blue eyes stared piercingly into mine. "I love you, Buffy." His voiced low and husky. "You know that now, if that speech of yours was any indication. And I know that you also know that I don't do things halfway, so when I love someone, I love them with every fiber of my being. I'll do anything for that person, I'll even die for them. So when I say that I love you, I'm not just saying the words, I'm making a promise, pet, a promise to do whatever it takes to make sure you are happy, to make sure you never get hurt ever again." He paused and brought his hand up to lightly caress my cheek. "I've already promised you before, luv, and I'll say it again now; I will never leave you. I promise to stay by your side for as long as I'm not dust. So you need to stop thinking such a thing because I'm not like Peaches or Captain Cardboard or any of those men in your life who were dumb enough to abandon a wonderful and special woman like you. I won't leave when things get too tough or when they don't go the way I want them to. I won't even leave even if you say I should. I'm here to stay, Buffy, because I love you, so you need to believe that."

 

The look on his face, his eyes, his words, his promise and his confession; all of them showed signs of how much he cares--no, not cares--loves, they all showed how much he loves me. I don't know how to describe how I feel about it. A part of me was in awe of it, another was still holding on to the belief that demons can't love, but a majority of myself just didn't understand why. Why would someone as loving and devoted as Spike be in love with a broken Slayer like me? It just didn't make sense. And I could not help but actually utter the question out loud.

 

"Why? Why do you love me, Spike? What is it about me that you would allow yourself to suffer the kind of pain I bring you? What is it that you see in me that had earn that sort of loyalty that you had once given Drusilla?"

 

He pulled back a surprised look suddenly crossed his features. Then he looked like he was having an inner battle with himself before he let out a really heavy sigh.

 

"Truthfully, I've been asking myself the same thing for the past several days, luv," he confessed with a guilty look. I felt a little pang in my chest as I thought about him doing this.

 

 _I thought he loved me, why would he have to find a reason why he did in the first place?_ A straying thought crossed my mind. One of which I immediately shook off because of the contradiction it brought to what I had been thinking moments earlier.

 

"I've been trying to suss out why I feel the way I do about you," he explained as he looked at me again with that same intense stare he had given me earlier.

 

"And?" I asked with a tremble in my voice, because for some reason I was afraid of his answer. "What did you find out?"

 

"That I have more reasons to hate you than love you, pet," he said with a grin.

 

"What does that mean?" I asked, a bit irritated with what he was implying.

 

"It means--" He suddenly stepped closer to me again, making me forget all my irritation as his grin turned into a gentle smile, the same kind of smile he had given that Halfrek bitch. "--that I feel the way I do about you because I just do. I just love you and I have no reason why. I can give you a list of the things I love about you; like your beauty, your hair, your strength, kindness, devotion and dedication to the cause. I could also give you list of things that I hate about you, but the one thing I can't give you is the explanation as to why I feel the way I do. You're just that woman for me, luv. That woman who I will love and care for for the rest of my existence. You're the One, Buffy, the One and Only for me, and because of that I don't need a reason to love you."

 

"What if I don't want to be the One?" I asked now truly fearing to be the object of such passion, love and devotion.

 

"Well, too bad, luv. You already are, and I doubt there is anything in this world that could change that. So you just need to accept that."

 

"I can't, Spike," I told him, ducking my head and stepping away from him. It hurt me, to say the things I was about to say but I knew I had to. "I can't accept it because I can't be that person you want. I can't because I am incapable of giving you what you need."

 

"And what exactly do you think I need, luv?" it was his turn to sound irritated.

 

"You need someone who can give you the same amount of love you are giving. Someone who won't take your heart and crush it into a million pieces. Someone who isn't broken and hasn't forgotten how to love. Someone that isn't me." I stared into his blue and expressive eyes and saw the hurt and pity? _Why is he giving me that look?_

 

"You're not broken, pet," he told me, "You're just dealing with so many things right now that you're having a hard time coping  with the rest of us. But it's quite understandable that you'd think that something is wrong with you because you can't seem to find it in you to care for everyone as you once had, but you've been through so much and instead of us trying to help you, we all drag you with us with our own issues, me especially." A regretful look crossed his features, as he said his next words. "I haven't been the most stellar partner  I should've been in this relationship, pet. I kept dragging you into the dark when you are suppose to stay there in the light. Telling you  that stuff about coming back wrong was my mistake and my pathetic attempt to get you to stay with me. I know that now, I shouldn't have said those things to you. It only confused you and turned you into this insecure and troubled woman you are now. I did this to you--"

 

I wanted to argue with him, to tell him that he was the not the person who made me this way. But the selfish part of me wouldn't let me. It wanted someone easy to blame, someone who I didn't have ties with like Angel, my family or friends, and who better to be that person than Spike.

 

_God, I am sick!_

 

"--and I want to make it up to you, pet," he continued, "I want to show you that you are not wrong or broken and that you can still love and accept love. I want show you what it's like to be happy again, to help you want to live in this world. I want to be the person who will give you all of this and more, the person you can trust and rely on. So give me a chance, Buffy. A chance to be that person and give _us_ and this _relationship_ a chance to be more than just centered on sex. Please, luv, give us a chance..."

 

I knew it was wrong, to accept his offer, not because he was evil but because I knew the outcome would be horrible because I wasn't going to be the person he wants. But his words and his promise, it had attracted me so much that I accepted.

 

"Alright, Spike, I'll give you chance--I'll give _us_ a chance," I told him with a small smile on my face.

 

The smile on his face though was just overpowering. He was so happy that he practically tackled me and kissed me fiercely, nearly bruising my lips. And when he finished he lifted me up in the air while giving me a tight hug before kissing me yet again

 

"You won't regret it!" he exclaimed happily as our lips parted for the second time.

 

His laughter, as always, had been infectious and I could not help but enjoy his embrace and kisses. I knew it would've progressed into something more if we had not felt the ground suddenly shake.

 

"Oh, right. I forgot to tell you that I think I've found the demon we've been looking for," he suddenly said.

 

"WHAT?! HOW? More specifically, WHEN?!"

 

"Earlier before we started arguing. Felt a very dark magic brewing by those woods. Would've gone to check it out but got side tracked, by well--you know why."

 

"Dammit, Spike!" I told him before running towards the direction of the woods.

 

I heard him chase after me, but I chose to ignore him and decided to simply focus on finding that demon.  When we got there we were greeted by the sight of a ten feet tall scaly demon with crab claws  that was doing a ritual in the center of a magic circle. Above the demon was a swirly vortex thingy that looked like it was sucking the air in.

 

"Dammit, the ritual has started," I cursed as I tried to maintain my balance at the trembling earth.

 

"No worries, luv. We just have to kill the demon and destroy the circle. All will be well," Spike said with a smile.

 

I glared at the vampire's optimism, but said nothing because I knew he was still basking in the fact I just agreed to give our relationship a chance. So I decided to focus on the problem at hand.

 

_I'll worry about my decision when I actually find myself and him being miserable because of it._

Those were my last thoughts before rushing at the demon with a sword in my hand and Spike by my side.

 

 

**(O.O)**

 

 

 


	7. 4th Session

 

 

**(O.O)**

**Dr. Grey**

 

It was a rainy Thursday morning but I had to come to work early. It really was not something I would normally do because usually I come in around twelve noon, not seven, but this was a special case, or more specifically a special client that was given a rescheduled appointment because he had missed the one he had last Monday. It is most probably obvious by now who the client I am referring to at the moment is. Yes, it was Spike. My very first vampire client and, by far, the most interesting client I'd had all year.

 

 

He was interesting because, as I had said, he was a vampire and from the information I had gathered about this demonic group, I learned that they were not the most civil  of demons. And yet my encounter with Spike  has put me and all of those books I had read in a ringer because of what an amazing contradiction he was to his kind. But that is not the only the reason why I was always looking forward with my sessions with him, because aside from that fact that I always learn something new from my client when it came to vampire behaviors in each session, I also enjoy the stories he would relate to me pertaining a certain group of individuals, who save the world from destruction on a regular basis. Although the details I hear about these humans are mostly from my client's negative point of view of them, it did not really bother me because, being a psychiatrist, I had the ability to  read between the lines.

 

 

Anyway, I had arrived at work thirty minutes early to prepare my office a little bit for my session with Spike. Meaning, I was planning to close the blinds in my office to protect him from  the sunlight . I walked towards the my receptionist's desk, who was strangely absent at the moment,  and picked up his file.

 

\--

 

Client no. 2091

Name: _William James Pratt aka William the Bloody or Spike_

__

Species: _Undead_

Class: _Vampire_

 

 

\--

 

Session 4

Time: ~~10:30 pm~~ 7:30 am

Duration: 2 hours and 30minutes.

\--

 

I read it and changed some minor things in it, like the time and date for today's session, and a few other things that I had written last Monday about him when he failed to show up for my session with him.

 

 

_Hmm, I guess I was wrong about me intimidating him after all._

My session with him last Friday had been a very productive one in terms of tackling a little bit of his co-dependency issues when it came to his relationships with his lovers. He was not all that thrilled with what we talked about, most of the time he was angry, agitated and emotional to all the things I had revealed to him or informed him of. In fact, I had made him cry a few times during the  session, but I knew all those things we talked about were necessary in order for my client to notice his issues without me directly telling him about them. I did it that way because from what I learned of my client, his stubbornness would have resulted in him denying the problem and getting aggravated over being told  he had them. So as I usually did with someone of his personality, I goaded and stirred our conversation to where I knew he would realize the problems by himself.

 

 

But when he did not show up at our appointment last Monday, I had began to think that perhaps my method was not as perfect for his character as I had thought it would be. I had thought that I had intimidated him when I pointed out the flaws of how he handled his relationship with Drusilla and educated him to what a healthy relationship was. I had been very disappointed and blamed myself when he failed to show up.

 

 

I may have gotten him to see that he was  following the repetitive pattern of that relationship with his current relationship with Buffy, but if my methods scare my clients away then I was a failure as a counsellor.

 

 

Last Monday, I had tried to think back on what I did last Friday and all the things I had said and done in that session, that could have lead the vampire to stop coming to our session. Perhaps it had been because I had directly hit his personality and beliefs in order to get him to realize his misguided way of handling the things about love and relationships.

 

 

Spike had believed that love was a primal instinct and that it is what makes people do stupid and crazy things to themselves in the name of love.

 

 

**_ Love is love and that's that! There are no other forms of it that could be determined or differentiated by logic or any of those stuff. It's blood. It screams inside of you and tells you what to do and how to do it. You don't think when it comes to love, you let it work you. _ **

**__ **

 

Those were his exact words to describe what love was for him. But that sort of thinking was just his way of putting reason to his actions of being a co-dependent. He puts the needs of his partner before himself and, though it is a noble thing to do, it was not a healthy thing to do in a relationship. I had needed him to realize this without telling him directly of his problem, for as I said I wanted to avoid angering him, and that is why I had told him to tell me the reason why he loved the two women in the first place.

 

 

This method seemed to work during the session because he was able to realize that in his relationship with Dru, he had been wrong to give too much to the woman when his feelings for her were not as true as he thought them to be.

 

 

I had also suggested that he needed to learn to distinguish what kind of love he had for a person before he started relationships with them in order to prevent himself from wasting his time and effort with that particular someone. He had not liked when he heard this and was angry even, but when I used his relationship with Dru against him, he had conceded and thus allowed me to explain what I meant.

 

 

I then explained to him what a healthy relationship was, and that it was meant to bring more happiness than stress into ones life. I pointed out to him that although relationships had stress at times, it was not good when both or either members of the relationship had prolonged mental stress that is caused by the relationship itself. It had seemed that he understood this because he had pointed out that his and Buffy's relationship was like this.

 

 

I had been so glad back then that Spike had reached that conclusion, because I was able to finally get him to see or at least realize that his relationship with this Buffy was not healthy or good for him because that woman treats him even worse than Drusilla did. At least with Drusilla, he felt an ounce of love but with Buffy, Spike receives nothing but the channeled self-hatred she has for herself. He is clearly abused in that relationship and I know that it is best for him to leave her, but I cannot say such advice out loud so I try to make him see that for himself. Of course after I did just that, he seemed to close off from our discussion. I could tell that he had been saddened and very hurt at the prospect that he and Buffy were not meant for each other. But as I said it was a necessity for him to see this so he can finally be free to be what he can be without the baggage that is Buffy. The session ended but I knew I left him troubled. So I had given him an assignment that I knew would at least help ease the pain of the possibility of ending his relationship with this Buffy. I had told him to list reasons why he loved the woman, this was so he could at the very least find out for himself what his love for this woman was doing to him.

 

 

That had been how our previous meeting ended, but I saw no flaw In how I handled things, so now you can see why I had truly been surprised that he did not show up that night.

 

 

I finished editing the file and tucked it back inside its folder. I entered my office but had been surprised that the curtains inside were already closed shut.

 

 

"Hmm, Aga must have closed them for me," I muttered to myself as I reached towards the switch for the light.

 

 

"She did," I voice resounded from beside me.

 

 

"Holy Fucking Shit!" I cursed loudly as I pressed the switch and turned on the lights, before turning to glare at the amused look of my vampire patient.

 

 

"My, my, my, it seems the good doctor has quite a dirty mouth in such a beautiful early morning," he said with a teasing smile.

 

 

I felt a flush form on my cheeks but I chose to ignore it and instead I greeted the vampire. "Spike, it is wonderful to see you come in early on this dreadfully rainy morning," I told him with a tight smile and a hint of sarcasm.

 

 

"Your sense of humor is outstanding as always, Doc? Though not as outstanding as that dirty little mouth of yours," he said with a teasing grin. "My dear, do you kiss your parents with that mouth?"

 

 

_Well, it seems he has no plans of letting that one go._

"Yes, well, my foul mouth only comes forth when I encounter unruly people who enjoy lurking in the dark corners of my office," I told him with a wry smile.

 

 

His smile grew wider at that. "I'm a vampire, pet. I was born unruly and enjoy lurking in dark corners." He ran his tongue over the front of his teeth, most likely thinking it was a sexy gesture on his part.

 

 

I simply raised one eyebrow at him and let out a short chuckle before shrugging. "And here I thought you were raised to be a gentleman who enjoys writing poetry," I stated as I walked to the direction of my desk, "I wonder what your parents would think of you."

 

 

"That's a low blow, Doc," he said, his voice devoid of all the humor he'd had just a few moments earlier. "I thought you weren't gonna use my past against me."

 

 

I had been surprised at first because I had garnered such reaction from him in the first place, because from what I had gathered of the vampire in our sessions he seems to take humor real well. I immediately felt guilty for what I had done so I apologized right away for what I had said.

 

 

"I am sorry, Spike. I had not-"

 

 

"Got you!" the vampire exclaimed happily. "I can't believe you actually fell for that one, Doc! I thought you knew me better than that! I wouldn't have let a little jibe on my William days get to me that easily." He was laughing and smiling. It was quite a sight to see from the vampire this early in the morning.

 

 

"True, I am quite surprised that it had happened. Although not as surprised as to how happy you seem to be feeling this morning. Did something happen, Spike over the last few days that we have not seen each other?" I asked him, suddenly feeling really curious as to the reason for the vampire's good mood.

 

 

"You can say that, Doc," he told me, with a smirk and an air of mystery, as he plopped onto his favorite chair in my office.

 

 

I gathered my notepad and pen and sat on my chair in front of him. "Well, are you planning on telling me about it or not?" I asked.

 

 

"Buffy and I are together now," he stated with a wide smile.

 

 

"I had never assumed that you were not a couple," I told him.

 

 

"No, not in a just-sex kind of way, but in an actual relationship-boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way. We talked last Monday, you know during that apocalypse we averted and the reason why I didn't show up. Anyway, going back, me and her talked, straightened some things out, she apologized to me, I apologized to her and well, she said she'd give _us_ a chance. To be like a real couple. And we did just that starting last Tuesday night, when we had our _very_ first real date at the Bronze, a place where Buffy and her friends love to hang out at. I know its not romantic but--"

 

 

I listened with an eager smile on my face as Spike began retelling his date with the Slayer and what had happened that had lead to that sort of progress in their relationship. But deep inside I was really frowning at the situation that had suddenly presented itself to me . In my previous session with the vampire, I had thought I had finally gotten through to him about how unhealthy his relationship with Buffy was for him, but now it had seemed that what I had asked him to do over the weekend, though it gave him the confidence to voice out his afflictions towards the Slayer, seemed to be what had lead the Slayer to also voice out her insecurities and troubles in how she had been dealing with a lot of things, particularly in terms of her maltreatment towards the vampire. Although this behavior of hers seemed to be a positive thing, it actually was not. This behavior was what triggered Spike's innate need to take care of the girl, thus getting him to commit even more to the relationship instead of finding ways to end it.

 

 

Spike and Buffy's relationship, as beautiful and romantic as it sounded because of who and what these two were, was not the most logical or most healthy of forms of relationship. Not just because these two were naturally born enemies and their very core nature tangled with one another but because these two, due to their past experiences and circumstances, are both experiencing mental issues that all need to be treated. A relationship with one another or any form of romantic relationship would not lead into an immediate happy ending for the two of them. They both have to resolve their issues first before they commit into any long term relationship otherwise the pair would fall back in to the pattern of what had been their previous relationships. And based on what I am currently hearing from Spike in his story of their date, I can say that I am right in my assumption and premise.

 

 

"--She let me hold her hand and allowed me to dance with her!" he stated excited earning another false happy nod from myself.

 

 

The fact that it seems he is still relying on Buffy's approval on how the relationship should progress is what I had meant about his returning pattern. Also it seems that, again the only one actively trying in this relationship was Spike, which was the same as it had been before.

 

 

"Although, due to some unexpected turn of events,  we had to cut the date at the Bronze short, but we did finished it at my crypt. We had hot and amazing sex there and finally at the end of it, we cuddled! Can you believe it?! She actually let me cuddle her! God! It was so amazing," he stated dreamily, before looking back at me with an expectant expression. "Well? What do you think?"

 

 

"Hmm?" had been my unintelligent reply.

 

 

"What do you think about me and Buffy?" he said slowly as if trying to articulate the question better, which was really unnecessary but I didn't say so.

 

 

Instead, I told him how happy I was for them in a quite over enthusiastic tone.

 

 

"Well, I am happy for the two of you, Spike."

 

 

"But?"

 

 

"But what?"

 

 

"I sense a but in that sentence, Doc."

 

 

_Well, he's annoyingly perceptive as usual._

 

 

"But--do you not think that you two are rushing things a little?" I stated with a guilty expression.

 

 

"Rushing? We just started actually dating after months of having a relationship that she denied existed and was centered only on sex?! How the bloody hell is this rushing?!" he questioned standing up again.

 

 

_Oh dear, here goes the standing ovation glare._

 

 

He stalked towards my direction and glared down at me.

 

 

But it did not intimidated me as it had in our previous sessions. It did not make me deter  my opinions on the matter.

 

 

"Spike, calm down," I told him with a stern tone. "I am not telling you anything bad here. I am here to help you and I cannot do that with you yelling at me every time I say something you do not agree  with. We are simply talking about--"

 

 

"How much of a big mistake you think my relationship with Buffy is?!?" he screamed before he turned away from me and started to pace inside the room. "Don't think I haven't noticed what you've been doing, doctor, since our previous session." He pointed an accusing finger at me. "You're trying to manipulate me in to breaking up with Buffy. What, with you asking me questions on why I loved Dru that got me to realize that I never truly loved her that way and got me to make a list of how  awful a partner Buffy was to me! You want, for some unknown reasons, to separate me from her and I say this ends now!" He gave one final glare before walking towards the door. "I'm done with this. I don't need your help anymore. I'll suss out my own shit!"

 

 

I was not really surprised with his current behavior nor the fact he was attempting to end our sessions altogether, quite frankly, I have been expecting it. Spike was not an idiot, as I believe most of his human companions thought him to be. On the contrary, he was quite intelligent. Book smart and street wise. He had earned his knowledge from both by studying and by experiencing things. Aside from that the he had a very amazing sense of perception. He has the ability to read people really well. A skill perhaps he learned in both his human and vampire life. The combination of this and his intelligence made it very easy for him to figure out what I have been doing to him and thus his outburst was truly not unexpected.

 

 

 _Had he chosen to, this vampire would make a good psychologist._ I paused on that thought. _Or maybe a profiler?_

 

I shook my musing as I heard the door open and Spike started exiting my office.

 

 

"She is still hiding your relationship, is she not?" I suddenly asked him during his mid-exit.

 

 

"How did you-" He stopped and turned back to face me.

 

 

I kept a stoic expression, while I internally smiled at the surprised look on his face that he directed my way.

 

 

_He may be a smart and perceptive one but my training and experience should not be taken lightly too._

 

 

I stood up and watched the anger and confusion cross his face as I said my next words. "At your date she came in late and wore a simple shirt and jeans that, if it had been any other day, you knew she would have never worn for such an occasion. And during the entire date you noticed she was not really there with you. Sure, she would nod at what you would say and sometimes respond but overall she seemed distracted, if not, she seemed like she did not want to be there with you, if the distressed look she  often gave out from time to time while she thought you were not looking was an indication. But at the time you had shrugged it off  as her being nervous about the entire thing. You two danced and ate, held hands like a real couple would but you could tell she was always tensed at each contact and looked like she had to talk herself into doing each and everyone of them. But again you shrugged it off, thinking she was still getting used to the concept of dating you."

 

 

The pained look he gave me was enough to tell me that so far my hypothesis on what had happened last night was correct. I did not want to do it this way for I knew this was the more painful method of addressing his issues but I continued anyway. I continued to state out the behavior I knew Buffy had demonstrated to let him know how textbook the young woman was in the role of someone who was not ready to be in a serious relationship, especially to someone as loving, passionate and devoted as Spike. He needed to wake up from the illusion that he and she were good for each other at the moment.

 

 

_Perhaps if he and she were not in a bad place then this relationship would have worked._

But for now, I knew I had to tell him the painful truth of what it was doing or  going to do to the two of them.

 

 

"And when her friends entered the establishment, which I believe was the unexpected event you mentioned earlier, you saw the panicked look she gave out and had immediately dragged you away from their line of sight. That night, you had thought it had been the perfect opportunity to let them know of your relationship, but she told you right away that she was not ready. Probably told you she did not want to deal with the conflict she knew would have happened once the relationship was out in the open. So you conceded and probably suggested that at least you two go and hang out with them, pretend you came there separately and such, thinking at the very least her friends' presence would have ease her tense demeanor. But again she shut down the idea and told you to wait for her outside." Spike was now looking at the floor with a defeated appearance, but still I continued. "When she met up with you, you had thought that the date was over, but then she suggested you two finish it at your crypt, which then had brightened your mood. You began thinking of the things you two could do there; like watch television or play cards. But as soon as the two of you entered your home, she immediately initiated the intimacy, and all thoughts of continuing the date left your mind and thought that what happened was better." I walked closer to Spike's standing form until I was standing in front of him. "You two had sex and when it was done, you held each other close. And it was the only time you truly and genuinely felt that she had enjoyed something out of that night. Am I right, Spike?" I asked him softly getting him to look up and allowing me to see the hurt and sad look on his face.

 

 

"Why are you telling me this?" he asked in a whisper that I had almost did not hear. "Why are you ruining the best night of my unlife by telling me things I already know but would've rather not really think about? Why are you tormenting me?"

 

 

"I do not wish to torment you, Spike. Nor do I wish to cause you any pain. I simply wish to help you."

 

 

"By telling me that Buffy doesn't even want to be in this relationship?! How is that even helping me?!" he screamed.

 

 

"I never said she does not want to be in a relationship with you, Spike. In fact, I am most certain that she was genuine in her desire to give a relationship with you a shot."

 

 

"Then why did she act that way? Why was she acting like what we were doing was such a bother and a pain to her?"

 

 

"Because, even though she wants to be in a relationship with you, she is not ready to be in one as of the moment."

 

 

Spike had looked like he was taken aback by my statement.

 

 

"Wha-what do you mean by she isn't ready to be in one at the moment?"

 

 

"Spike, for the lack of an easier and less painful way of informing you of this, I shall tell you the hard truth about what I had so far assessed of this Buffy that you are so in love with and that is that she is very, very ill." He looked like he was about to argue but I did not let him for I immediately explained. "Not ill in a sense that she is physically unwell, but more of a mental or psychological illness. You know personally what that woman has been through, what she is still going through. You know for a fact that what had happened to her, being torn from her Eternal resting place and brought back in to this world of problems and pain, has been putting such a burden on her that it seems she is not who she once was."

 

 

"And what does Buffy's mental state have to do with her readiness for a relationship?" he asked looking slightly impatient.

 

 

"Her mental state, Spike, is what is preventing her from properly reciprocating or participating in the relationship. Have you not ever wondered why she had been acting the way she has? Ignoring her family and friends? Hurting and abusing you? Hating herself and viewing herself as a monster? Had it never crossed your mind to question why she was behaving this way?"

 

 

He was silent as he contemplated on what I said. It took a few moments before he finally said anything.

 

 

"So that's why you asked me earlier if Buffy and I were rushing things. It was because you think she's not ready for a serious relationship with me."

 

 

"I don't think, Spike. I know that both of you are not ready."

 

 

"Me?! What do you mean by I'm not ready?! Stupid chit, this relationship is what I had been wishing for since I first sussed out that I loved the damned bint! How can you even think I am not ready for this relationship?!"

 

 

"Because like Buffy, you, Spike, are also suffering from your own psychological issues," I informed him, finally thinking it was time to let him know of my diagnosis. "Because whether you believe it or not, you're friend, Dawn, was right and you do have Codependency Issues, that and a bit of issues of self-esteem or the lack of it for the matter."

 

 

"Lack of self-esteem? I do not lack self-esteem! And Bloody hell! For the last time, I do not have codependency issues!" he declared.

 

 

"Yes, you do! You are just too stubborn to admit it to yourself!" I told him. But when he looked like he was still gonna argue. I read to him my notes of what I wrote about him in our sessions, informing him beforehand that the following were all seen as characteristics of a Codependent person.

 

 

  * **-He has an extreme need for approval and recognition, as shown by how he regals his sexual exploits with his partner and also on how he tends to over exaggerate his stories.**
  * **-He lets his partner take the lead in the relationship and feels a similar feeling of guilt when he asserts his dominance in his relationship with his partner. Probably retracts his words when he feels his partner's discomfort by what he's said and done.**
  * **-He lacks trust in himself, as he shows in how he tends to downgrade himself or puts himself in the negative spotlight when discussions go to where his partner shows her abusive side. He often makes himself to be the bad guy in most of the discussions.**
  * **-He lacks trust in others.**
  * **-He has a great fear of being abandoned by his partner.**
  * **-He has a difficulty identifying his feelings, although this could be associated with his vampiric nature.**
  * **-He has problems with intimacy/boundaries, although again could be associated with his vampiric nature.**
  * **-Chronic anger. Often loses his temper during sessions, especially when things do not go his way or when I say something he does not agree on.**
  * **-Lying/dishonesty. Could also be a vampiric trait or simply a defensive response.**
  * **-Poor communication. He has a tendency to either over exaggerate his tale or hide and take out parts of the story, more for the benefit of his partner.**
  * **-He has difficulty making decisions or at least deciding for himself. Probably bases his decision on what his partner would do in that situation.**



 

 

"So? Do you still think you are not codependent?" I asked him. "Oh, and before you ask why I had said that you lacked self-esteem, let me just inform you that most codependents all share such  similar traits, but aside from that it was mostly because you have been allowing the abuse towards you to continue even though, you, yourself knows that you are being abused. You do not respect yourself enough Spike to actually stand up for yourself in the relationship, and because of this, I had said that you lack self-esteem or even self-respect."

 

 

Spike was silent after that, and he again had that contemplative look on his face only this one was accompanied by a pained and hurt expression.

 

 

When nearly a minute has passed and when I was finally about to ask him how he truly felt about what I said, he suddenly spoke and asked.

 

 

"Can you really help me?" His tone, pleading. "I-I think I understand now what's wrong with me, and I know now that I really do need help. So can you really help me, doctor?"

 

 

"Of course, Spike," I said proudly and with a small smile, "That is why you had hired me, is it not?"

 

 

**(O.O)**

**Spike**

 

_I needed help._

 

That, at least, was what I had sussed out after the doc's big reveal of my behavior to prove what a huge codependent I was and of how much I lacked self-esteem. Knowing the problem finally made it easier for me to accept that I needed help, that and the fact that if I did get help first then maybe I can also make things work between Buffy and I. She, Dr. Grey, I mean, had informed me that my relationship with the Slayer won't work out because she and I have issues we have to deal with before we commit to the relationship. So I thought that if I deal with mine first then I could at least focus on helping her from here on out.

 

 

The good doctor lead me to my seat again after our discussion by the door. It is obvious that by now I had forgone the thought of leaving. She took a seat on her chair in front of me, picked up her notepad and, again, we started our session.

 

 

"Tell me, Spike, how do you see yourself?" she suddenly asked, after she finally settled on her chair.

 

 

The question startled me at first for I had not expected to immediately be asked just right after we had that big conversation by her office door. Then after that, the confusion settled in, as I realized I had no idea what she meant by that question.

 

 

"I beg your pardon?"

 

 

Sh smiled at my stupid reply, which normally would've irritated me but was too confused about the question to feel any kind of emotion. "I had asked how you see yourself," she repeated.

 

 

"No-I mean, I heard you-I just don't understand what you meant by that question," I told her.

 

 

_Or what the point of asking me such a question in the first place._

"The question, Spike, is meant for me to know how you view yourself. I wanted to see what kind of person or demon your think you are," she explained.

 

 

"Why would you want to know?" I asked suddenly feeling that I would be manipulated again into something by this question.

 

 

"Because I plan to base my next questions on what you shall say to describe what you think of yourself. So perhaps you should stop avoiding the question now and start answering, please."

 

 

I sighed. Not really seeing an out to this question, which I still had a feeling was gonna be a way for her to again use that stupid reverse psychology thing on me to manipulate me in some way. But still, I had answered it as best as I could and as truthful as I could muster.

 

 

_'Cause there's no sense lying to the damned woman when she has the ability to figure out the truth anyway._

 

 

"I'm a Master Vampire, who's bagged himself two Slayers in just one century but ended up falling head over heels in love with the best Slayer of them all," I started with the most notable description of myself, hoping it'll ease my tension and discomfort and get me to open up more. "I'm a warrior and fighter. I may love the thrill of the hunt like any other vamp, but it doesn't compare to how much I love to walk in-between the lines of life and death. The idea that the fight would be my last just gives me a rush that invigorates me. It pumps my blood and makes me feel alive."

 

 

I paused and smiled nostalgically as I remember how I felt when I fought those Slayers. They were beautiful and our fights were equally amazing and god, how I miss those times.

 

 

"The chip took that away from me, you know?" I told her with a somber expression. I had found a sudden urge to stray for a while from our original conversation about describing how I see myself to the conversation regarding my chip. "It's what had stopped me from doing one of the best activities in my unlife. Fighting Slayers was the only thing that I knew I really did for myself and not to prove anything to anyone. Well, okay, it started as such, because really back then Angelus had just returned to our nifty little group and I had wanted to show the wanker how much I had grown by bagging myself a bloody Slayer all by myself. But every other Slayer I fought afterwards, I fought for myself," I confessed hurriedly.

 

 

I then saw a confused look cross the good doctor's features, which told me she didn't know about the other Slayers I fought against .

 

 

_Well, can't really blame her, it's not like my fights with those other girls were widely broadcasts after I fought them. Afterall, what kind of Watcher would tell anyone that their Slayer fought a vampire, got beaten up and was left there alive because the said vamp thought they weren't worth killing._

 

 

"I fought a few more Slayers before I met Nikki Woods in New York, around the seventies. It just wasn't recorded probably because it was an embarrassment for the Slayer and her Watcher that they lost to me and I had spared them out of pity or more specifically because they just sucked as a Slayers." I remembered my disappointment as I fought two other Slayers after the Slayer I killed in China. It was a good fight at first before the Slayers began to bore me with their battle skills that obviously lacked originality and creativity. "Mindless automations, those other Slayers were," I told the doctor with a hint of contempt. "They fought methodically and they didn't even show creativity as they fought me. They had a goal and that was to slay a vamp, nothing else. They didn't show any passion in their scared duty, just that it was a duty and they were simply following orders. They were boring and had no fire at all. They just fought me like they would fight ordinary vamps, which had been insulting by the way. I mean, I may look like every other vampire when I let my demon out, but I am more than a vicious demon, you know? Those bloody Watchers should know better than to teach their Slayer that vampires are just mindless monsters. I mean, what did they think happened to the human part of the body once the demon enters? They should know that vampires keep their host's knowledge and memories, so that means we were more than animals because whatever intelligence we had back from our human days stayed with us, and yet they always teach the Slayers how a vampire only cares for the blood and the kill. But that is so wrong. I mean, sure, that way of thinking may work for a fledgling but for an older vampire? It's just stupidity!" I knew I was ranting; or whining was more accurate. But I didn't care about that, I had been keeping this resentment regarding the subject for a while now, and since Rupert and Buffy hadn't wanted my input about it when I had tried to tell them about how they should try to change how  Watcher's view vampires, who else was I gonna tell about it other than my therapist, who I was paying to listen to me.

 

 

"Why do you not try to get their facts straightened then?" she asked. "I mean, you do work with a Slayer and a Watcher now? Perhaps you can inform them about it."

 

 

"Naw, I ain't like Dracula. I don't kiss and tell, luv," I answered with a lie. I didn't really want her to find out that I already tried to tell the Watcher and the Slayer about such stuff and only to have my ideas shut down painfully with a punch and an insult.

 

 

Of course, the damned shrink didn't believe me and immediately sussed out the truth without me telling her about it.

 

 

"They had shut you down," she said while giving me a sad and sympathetic look that I really hate when it was directed my way.

 

 

I looked away from her gaze. It was hurting me even more that someone I had just met and haven't even tried to save was showing me more kindness than the Scoobies ever did despite all the times I fought by their side.

 

 

"It doesn't matter anyway. I don't hunt Slayers anymore, I'm more of the falling in love with them and protecting their family and friends kind of vamp these days," I told her with a shrug.

 

 

"Of course it matters, Spike. Not because the Slayers of the future would really use such knowledge to help them survive, which I am sure had not been your motivation when you first told the Watcher and the Slayer regarding the subject, but because your opinions should never be disregarded that easily."

 

 

I snorted at this. "Tell that to the Slayer and her friends."

 

 

"I cannot do that because I do not know them. But you do," she pointed out while gaving me one of those piercing gazes. "You know these people, Spike, and, as you said, you have been fighting at their side for a while now. You should not stand by the sidelines and just let them disregard your opinions like that. You should fight for your right to speak your mind, and shut down those who wish to stop you. Prove to them that you are more than their doormat. Prove to them that you have feelings too and a mind that wishes to add his two cents into the conversation. Show them that you deserve  their respect as much as they do with yours."

 

 

"And how do you suggest I do that, huh, Doc? I just tell them that they should listen to me because I have saved their arses a bunch of times and the least they could do is listen to me when I try to contribute into the conversation?"

 

 

It was meant to be a sarcastic reply to what she said but suddenly the good doctor agreed with what I just said and that kind of surprised me.

 

 

"That is not actually a bad idea, Spike. I believe that if you say those words then you are bound to at last be heard."

 

 

I gave her an incredelous look.

 

 

"You're daft! I am not gonna go and whine to them about how they treat me and beg them to listen to me! I got more pride than that, you know!"

 

 

"Spike, you are again misinterpreting my message here. That is so not what I meant when I had asked you to say those words. When you tell people that you're opinions matter and you fight to be heard, you are not whining, you are standing up for yourself because you believe that you deserve to be respected, and from my point of view, you do deserve at least an ounce of their respect and trust, even from these people."

 

 

"I tried to kill them before, I doubt they'd trust and respect me after that."

 

 

"And how many times have you saved their lives?" She raised an eyebrow.

 

 

I shut off after that. My lips tightened and I felt a scowl plaster on my face as I gave thought to her words.

 

 

_She was right. I do deserve to be heard and I guess I should start fighting for respect once in a while._

 

 

"Alright, I'll concede to your point, and perhaps try it when an opportunity arises. But I'm still doubtful that the Slayer and her Scoobies would immediately give me their trust and respect just cause I say so. Hell, the whelp would probably find something to counter any of my arguments and end up insulting me in one way or another."

 

 

"Trust is never that easy to gain, Spike. You must know that. But if you continuously show them that you are changing then perhaps you can gain their trust and respect."

 

 

"I have been showing them! Bloody hell, that summer when the Slayer wasn't around I have been showing them just how much I had changed! Fighting on their side, saving their arses, protecting Dawn! Those are things I never would've done before I met them! Hell, those are thing no demon with a right mind would do for the sake of a promise he made for a dead girl!" I said, raising my voice as the frustration I felt against the Slayer's friends came forth from the memory of what I had been telling the doctor.

 

 

"I really thought that they were warming up to me," I said lowering my voice again into a soft whisper. My frustrations slowly disappearing as a new emotion came into my heart. "Red and her bird had been nice to me back then, they  had short talks with me and asked me how I was doing. They had even started inviting me to join them for dinner at the Summer's residence. Rupert sometimes asked me to join him to finish his bottle of scotch while we reminisced on the Slayer and what an amazing woman she was. And Harris? Well, we started playing pool together and had these manly conversations, that I really enjoyed, about women and movies we've watched." I smiled sadly as I realized just how much I missed those moments I shared with  this small group of humans. "I really thought I was part of the gang, but then the resurrection spell happened and they didn't tell me about it, and I just-I just felt so betrayed by them." I bit my lip as I remembered the conversation I had with the Scoobies outside of the Slayer's house that night.

 

 

I remebered how Harris accused me of starting my obsession towards the Slayer again, how they  dismissed my anger and resentment by telling me to just be happy with what they did, and how they practically shoved in my face that the reason why they didn't  tell me was because they just didn't want to. It was right then I realized just how little the small group of humans thought of me. How very little they trusted me still. And that hurt.

 

 

"It hurt, you know. It hurt that despite what we had been through together that summer I was still the outsider in the group. It hurt even more because when Buffy came back all those things I used to do with the Scoobies stopped happening. I was back to being the guy they hate being around and only remembered when they want something out of me then forget about afterwards because I wasn't worth remembering."

 

 

I stopped talking after that because the anger, pain, and resentment towards those humans had just overwhelmed me. At that moment I had really wanted to kill or just hit something. I want to get all these pent up feelings out of my system.

 

 

What I had been feeling must've been so visible to the good doctor, who I had almost forgotten was still in the room, because she had suddenly given me a sheet of paper.

 

 

"How about you take out all those negative feelings on that paper, Spike," she told me, "Crumple it, rip it, do something to it. Take all that anger and resentment and put it all on that little piece of thing."

 

 

As strange as the suggestion was, I didn't question her on it. Instead I just took the paper and began ripping the damned thing to shreds, all while cursing and calling names at the damned Scoobies for what they did. When that was done, she gave me another one and I did the same thing to that paper. Then she gave me another one and I repeated the process. I don't know how many papers I crumpled and ripped and shredded, but all I knew was that I was feeling less homicidal after every paper. It was actually therapeutic. It was sort of a smaller but equally effective replacement to a demon or a vamp.

 

 

I finally declined another batch of paper from the doctor and gave her a small smile.

 

 

"Thanks," I told her, "I really needed that, even though I'm still really surprised that such a thing worked in the first place."

 

 

"You are most welcome, Spike," she said returning my smile. "And you really shouldn't be surprised. Paper shredding is just really a smaller form of taking out anger and frustrations from ones system. It's actually standing there right next to  breaking glass plates."

 

 

I chuckled at that. "So it's another psychology thing, huh?"

 

 

"It is," she said sharing my laughter.

 

 

I thought how it was both really annoying and amazing how easy this doctor could change my moods with either just a simple action or words. It was times like these that I don't really regret going in to this therapy thing.

 

 

"So, now that you are alright, how about we go back to talking about these Scoobies of yours? Perhaps you can tell me further how you feel about these humans individually," she suddenly said, immediately putting a damper on my good mood.

 

 

_I take it back. I hate coming to these sessions._

 

"Why do we have to talk about the those damn lot? I mean, earlier you were asking me to give you what I thought about myself, now you want to know about the Scoobies? How are those two things related?"

 

 

"I already told you, Spike, that the reason I wanted you to tell me about how you saw yourself was so I can base my questions on your answer. And I am currently doing exactly that," she explained, but what she said only irritated me further because it made not the slightest sense.

 

 

"What do you mean you are basing this question on my answer. Telling you about the Scoobies and how they treated me wasn't an answer to our earlier conversation. Bloody hell, it wasn't an answer to anything. I strayed from our original topic, because I wanted to talk about how I hated the way Watchers teach their Slayers about vampires. So this question is actually invalid!"

 

 

Doctor Grey let out a heavy sigh. "Spike, I am a psychologist," she began slowly. "--and I am trained to take out details from our conversations. I compile those details and give meaning to them in this little pad of paper. So when you strayed from our conversation when I had asked that you to tell me how you saw yourself, I had been taking notes about what I had heard and gave meaning or a higher understanding to everything you had said."

 

 

"And pray tell, what kind of higher understanding did you get from everything I told you?"

 

 

"I noted that you are a creature of passion and impulse. You love to keep your blood running, but not in a sense where you chase your prey like most predators do. Instead, you enjoy the hunt more when your food or opponent fights back, you love it even more when you are faced with impossible circumstances. The idea of your own death thrills you, which by the way we will be discussing in a later session. But anyway, I also noted that you are a creature who adores the company of others. You don't enjoy being left on your own for too long. In fact, I believe you like being a part of a group. That is why I was able to say that you are not only codependent on Buffy but also on her human friends," she answered me.

 

 

"What?!" I exclaimed. "What the bloody hell do you mean by that? I mean, I understand most of what you said, it was the last part of it that just didn't make a bloody sense to me. 'Cause what the hell do you mean that I am codependent on the Scoobies?"

 

 

"It means exactly what you think it means, Spike," she answered, "It means that you are not only codependent on Buffy but also on her friends. You seek their companionship and you enjoy being their friend. It had hurt you that they had thrown you out of their group. And you had hated them for it but you still missed those times when they had let you in. In fact, I can bet that you secretly want to be included again. But stopped trying to force your way back into their little circle because it seemed that they all had been vehemently trying to get you to leave their group , either by ignoring you again or insulting you when you were around."

 

 

My eyes widened and I was taken aback by this.

 

 

_How the bloody hell did this bint know about that?!_

 

"Spike, I told you I am a psychologist. I am trained on how figure out these things. I based my assessments and speculations on the data and information I get from you then I add the behavioral patterns of an individual that fit the data you had given me and thus allowing me to create  close to accurate stories about what could have possibly happened."

 

 

 _Well, that explains how she was able to know about what had happened that night at the Bronze._ It's kind of a very amazing and very useful skill to have, if I really thought about it.

 

 

I shook the straying thought away and forced myself to focus on the conversation I was having with the woman.

 

 

"Alright, fine. Again, I'll concede. Although under great duress, I'll accept your assessment about me being a codependent of the Scoobies. But what can I do about that? I mean, I could barely deal with being codependent on Buffy. How do I get over being codependent on her friends?"

 

 

"It's quite simple, Spike. You simply try and seek out other friends," she said with a smile, that I was beginning to really hate about the woman.

 

 

 _You really should stop giving me that beautiful smile, because it doesn't make what you said any easier when you smile nicely at me. It only makes me want to punch you._ I thought irritatedly.

 

 

"I beg your pardon," I asked through my gritted teeth, "Did you seriously just asked me to look for new friends?"

 

 

"Yes, that is exactly what I just said." Her smile widened and her eyes sparked with amusement.

 

 

_Damn this woman!_

 

"You really are daft! Haven't you been doing your research on me? If not, then allow me to enlighten you that I am a fucking outcast in the demon world. A traitor, that is what they call me! No demon in the right mind would be friends with a turncoat like me. And you're suggestion for me to get pass my codependency with the Scoobies is to make friends? That's the most idiotic suggestion I ever heard from you, Doc."

 

 

She looked contemplative for a minute, which gave me a bit of satisfaction because for once since I stated this therapy thing, I was finally able to tell the damn woman that she was wrong.

 

 

"I thought you said you had brought a friend with you to Buffy's birthday party?"

 

 

"Who? Clem? He's a poker buddy that I bribed to come with me to the Slayer's party. I really don't know the guy  well enough to be called friends with him."

 

 

"Well, what about Cecily? You had already been able to resolve your differences. So why do you not hang out with her?"

 

 

"Oh, sure, and by the end of the day I am sure to end up a big pile of dust courtesy of my jealous Slayer girlfriend. Did I tell you that the crazy bint was crazy jealous after seeing me with Cecily that night at the coffee shop?"

 

 

"So what you are saying, Spike, is that you do not have friends nor have the capacity to gain friends due to you reputation as a traitor to your kind? And because of this you are pretty much stuck with waiting for these _Scoobies_ to accept you?"

 

 

"Yup, that about sums it up." _In a very painful and pathetic way._ I cringed as I added the last part mentally.

 

 

She straightened in her seat and again had that contemplative look on her face, before suddenly clapping her hands together in a very excited manner.

 

 

"Ooh, I got it!" she stated. Then she turned to face me with a very serious expression. "What are you doing tomorrow morning around nine?" she suddenly asked.

 

 

"Uhh--I don't know. I'll probably be asleep at that time, or on my way to bed, I guess. It depends on what  happens between me and the Slayer tonight."

 

 

"Are you two planning on another date?" she inquired, making me a bit nervous on where she was going with this line of questioning. The creepy gleam in her hazel eyes didn't help in the slightest to ebb my nervousness either.

 

 

"N-no. But we usually shag after every patrol and she sometimes sleeps at my crypt afterwards."

 

 

"Does she still leave before morning?"

 

 

"Uhh, yeah. She knows she has to be there to make sure Dawn gets to school early," I answered.

 

 

"Alright! So it is settled!" she stated.

 

 

"What's settled?"

 

 

"Tomorrow you will be coming with me to meet a few of my other patients! I'm sure you will be hitting it off with them better than the Slayer's friends."

 

 

"Excuse me?!" I looked at with an incredous expression

 

 

_She's not serious, is she?_

 

 

"You're not really planning on introducing me to your other mentally deranged patients, are you? Introducing me and getting me to make friends with them, to be exact."

 

 

"Ooh, they are not that deranged. They are just troubled. And do not worry. You are not coming there as a patient but as a friend."

 

 

_Troubled? That doesn't exactly ease my discomfort, Doc. And I'm coming with you as a friend? A friend, who's paying you to solve his codependency issues. Seriously?_

 

"Doc, I don't think that's a good idea. I'm not exactly welcoming the thought of joining one of your group therapy sessions."

 

 

"Oh, you would not be accompanying me in a therapy session. You will be coming with me at a play rehearsal."

 

 

"A play rehearsal?"

 

 

_Okay--like that is any better._

 

I really wasn't liking the doctor's crazy idea, and I was seriously planning to say no to her offer but that was until she said the next words.

 

 

"Spike, just trust me on this. I really think that introducing you to these people will help you get over your codependency issues towards those ungrateful humans," she told me imploringly. "And if it doesn't then at the very least I can promise you that you will enjoy yourself tomorrow. So please accept my invitation."

 

 

I was still really doubtful about the invitation. But I trust Doctor Grey, and so far my trust of her hasn't been misplaced . So her words and promises had seemed enough to convince me to at least check out these people she mentioned.

 

 

"Alright, I go," I told her, earning a very happy expression on the doctor's face.

 

 

"Great!" she exclaimed happily, "I shall see you then at your--crypt, is it?" I nodded in affirmation. "And I'll picking you up there at eight-thirty-ish tomorrow then?"

 

 

"Yeah. Eight-thirty sounds fine to me," I told her but with less enthusiasm compared to her.

 

 

"Good! Then I shall conclude today's session there!" she informed me, as she stood up and straightened her attire. "I hope you Will still try to do what we talked about, Spike, regarding those Scoobies and how they shut down your opinions. Just do what you suggested, if not to earn their respect then at least do it to give yourself a little respect," she told me as we both made our way towards the door, "You deserve it after all."

 

 

I was touched by those words and I smiled a little at that.

 

 

"I'll try, Doc," was my noncommittal answer, but  that was all I could give her at the moment. I  suddenly felt tired. It seemed that my mind had reached its maximum capacity from  all the thinking it had been doing in this session and also because it was just realizing that it was waaay past my bedtime.

 

 

She opened the door and smiled at me one more time. "I am very happy that we were able to have this session, Spike, and also that we were able to finally tackle  your codependency issues more openly than before. I know the things we talked about weren't easy but please understand that the end results will be worth it."

 

 

"I get it, Doc, no need to explain. I'm paying you to help me and you're doing alright so far," I told her, "Anyway, thanks for today and I guess I'll be seeing you again tomorrow."

 

 

"You will. See you, Spike, and have a nice day!"

 

 

I nodded as we shook hands before finally turning around and departing the establishment via basement sewer access. As I made my way to my crypt, I rethought about today's session and agreed with the Doc's assessment about how most of the things that we talked about not being easy. A lot of the things she said really stuck in my head; like me lacking self-respect and also about being codependent towards the Scoobies. But the most specific thing that really stuck to my mind were the things she said about Buffy.

 

 

The Slayer and I had issues, I always knew this. But what I didn't know was that these issues and problems were the ones hindering our relationship. The two of us were psychologically unwell, and because of that we weren't ready to be in a serious romantic relationship. The doctor's message regarding the matter was quite clear and it was that Buffy and I should temporarily stop seeing each other and get our shit together before we start really investing  the relationship. But I really got the feeling that she wasn't gonna take it well if I were to suggest the break up. In fact, I was certain she'd be devastated.

 

 

I didn't want to hurt the girl just as much as I didn't want to ruin the relationship we have, no matter how unhealthy it was or how unhappy it made me. I plan to stick to it.

 

 

**(O.O)**

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and please reviews are deeply appreciated.


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